Start with a song

You all know the song so sing along

School Daze

School Daze

Dear old Golden Rule days

(more like Time to break some rules days)

Oops. Sorry! Don’t mind me. Keep going.

Readin’ and ritein’ and ‘rithmatic

Okay, I’ve got to stop this again. How can this iconic song about school have a hook with three misspelled words? Perhaps they need to rethink their curriculum. Ya’ Think? Then again, the song goes on to talk about beating kids with a hickory stick, and killing calico cats for their fur. It’s right there in the next line. You were my queen in calico. And don’t even get me started about the barefoot kids.

Or maybe not

All right, I guess this wasn’t the best way to introduce the fact it’s ‘Back-To-School’ time once again. Time for mothers to cry over the fact that their children are growing up, and fathers to cry about tuition. (or vice-versa depending on the family) But the big reason to celebrate ‘Back-To-School’ time is the sales. Let’s hear it for buying stuff.

If there is anything good about going back to school. It’s the fact you can do it at a discount. In fact, seventeen states offer days with no tax on ‘Back-To-School’ items. So, you get low prices and pay no taxes. I mean just get out your wallet and go.

The thing is, “They’ve” taken the whole thing a bit too far. You know the They I’m talking about. Marketing gurus who specialize in making us all buy stuff we don’t need.

Don’t blame me

I can hear you all thinking, “Wait a minute!” (Wow, that must be loud if I can hear it when you only think it.)  All right, before start for my house with torches and pitchforks, you’re right. There is a lot of stuff you do need to buy for school. There’s stuff like pencils, pens and calculators. There’s even a valid argument for clothes, and computers. I’ll even agree to things like lizards and hamsters. But furnaces, and cars are not Back to School Items.

Okay, sure, I hear you screaming. “Cars could be needed for Back to School.” True, but there isn’t any need for the sale. Cars are always on sale. Remember in June there was the Father’s Day sale. Right after that was The Summer Sale, then The Forth Of July Sale followed by The Really Hot Summer Sale, The Dog Days Sale, The Super-Hot sale, The Hotter Than All Those Other Sales Combined Sale, and the ever popular I Wish Something Would Happen So I Could Name This Sale Better Sale Then to the relief of marketers everywhere, summer ends and they announce the Back To School Sale.

I’m just the messenger

Simply put, car dealerships don’t care about where your kids are going. They just need to name their current sale. Which, interestingly enough is exactly the same sale as the one that just ended.  Actually, I’m in favor of The Everything Is On Sale Forever Sale.

Marketers would hate this one, because they couldn’t use their favorite line, “Hurry in now!!!!! This sale could end at any time!!!!!” I don’t know why, but this line strikes fear into the hearts of mankind everywhere, and folks rush in. Marketers can never say “Forever.” No matter how forever a sale might be. I once saw a store with a Going Out Of Business Sale, that lasted five years.

Then electronics stores jumped on the bandwagon, and it’s even more idiotic. I’ve seen supply lists for my kids. They never read:

Pencils

Pens

Notebooks

Washing Machine

Large television

and Surround Sound System

And here’s the message

What the heck do they need a home theatre in a dorm for? Those room are just too small for all that equipment. Chances they’re going to stream videos on their phones and ignore all that paraphernalia anyway. All that technology is going to end up as a coat rack, or a dust collection experiment. Yet, every year these things are featured in a Back To School sale. Look it up. The ads are right in front of you, clogging your mailbox, and interrupting television. Back To School sales should be for back-to-school items. That’s all I’m saying.

Those silly ads pop-up on my phone as well. “Did you know your kids are heading back to school soon?” Yes, I did! Leave me alone. Frankly, if you need these ads to remind you of this fact, you’ve got problems even I can’t handle.

Ok now that’s a little too much

 I recently saw the worst offense of all these ads. A surgeon was offering low-cost back-to-school breast enhancement. How in the hell, could anyone think this could be a back-to-school item? If this had been on my daughter’s supply list I would have burned it, changed schools, moved out of the state, and become a monk. What are people thinking?

I guess it might be something for your college image. But that’s when kids are broker than they will ever be in their lives. Can you imagine a student loan which covers tuition, books, lodging, make-up, and breast augmentation? Might as well include beer, marijuana, and Doritos while you’re at it. Hey, since recreational weed is mostly legal now. The munchies become a required survival item. Possibly, even government subsidized. It gives a whole new meaning to the words Party School. Okay, I think that rant is over.

And the winner is

Those other things are bad, but the award for the stupidest Back-to-school sale goes to grocery stores. Agreed, food is necessary for school, but it’s also needed for every other minute you’re alive. Look at the circular, most of the stuff is perishable. Meat, cream cheese, and fresh cilantro never show up on supply lists. “Hey dad, did you put those raw steaks in my backpack? I might get hungry on the bus.” No one has ever said this.

Then again, if your children are anything like mine, they’re not going to eat anything healthy anyway. Also, remember apples ripen in the fall. That’s just a fact. This price is not falling as a courtesy to teachers, who want to keep doctors away. They’re in the ad because stores have a lot of them, end of story.  

There is absolutely no need to call the weekly August’s flyer a ‘Back-to-school’ sale. But they do. I even saw end-of-season barbeque grills being touted as a needed item for returning students. I’d like to see a kid put one of those in that thin little locker schools have.

In conclusion a few facts

The thing is, I agree with the government helping with the expense of starting another school term. What I don’t like is advertisers taking advantage of it. Somebody needs to speak up. I shall happily take up this mantle.

 Marketing folks have a tendency to the dramatic. I mean you’ve all seen that Halloween hits the stores in July, and ends in August. Two full months before the event, so they can put up Christmas decorations in September. Imagine the Back-To School sale starting in May. Not only would it be extremely depressing for kids who haven’t left school yet, but it would probably include even more non-school items like bikinis and sandals.

Oh wait, marketers stop selling those things in February.