Times be a changing

I have noticed a disturbing trend. It has creeped into our lives in a very subtle way and grown into a destructive entity destroying our collective soul. Like a societal tapeworm reproducing itself a million times, in a thousand different forms.

Of course, I realize change is inevitable. Also, I accept most changes begrudgingly, but this inclination must be stopped before we destroy ourselves. You may have noticed it too. You may have seen the positive glow that has enticed so many. You may have even looked into this abyss and forayed into its dark maw. So, today I felt it was my duty to expose this evil, and perhaps set the world back on a more enlightened course. Sort of makes me sound important, doesn’t it?

In the before time

It all started, at least to my eyes, a few years ago. Across the street from my house, the little convenience store closed. That doesn’t sound so bad. People retire all the time, as happened in this case. I admit this saddened my wife and I, because we enjoyed our nightly walks to the store to get supplied with ice cream and salty snacks. But then a self-serve fitness center moved in. (If this were a horror movie you’d hear a lady’s blood curdling scream, right about now.)

The odd thing about this was, it wasn’t called a gym. I don’t mind gyms. That would’ve been so much better, because every television show and movie depict gyms the same way. A bunch of dumb guys punching hanging bags. Occasionally, they move to the ring in the center of the room and beat on each other. Some fun.

Naturally, the ring was square which makes no sense at all. However, this worked better for the world at large. Even the way gyms named things made no sense. As a result, the places were seedy joints only ugly people went to. Things were good. A natural balance was achieved.

Renaming Time

Then, all of a sudden, the places were called Fitness Centers. Dumbbells were replaced with weights. Pounding heavy bags, was replaced with aerobics. Punching folks wearing gloves was replaced by breathing. Who wants to breath in those places. They stink of sweat socks. But I digress.

Anyway, with all the name changes taking place, they became more popular. I knew this, but like so many others, I thought this stupidity couldn’t happen in my neighborhood. I was so wrong. Suddenly my ice-cream strolls became talks about becoming more-healthy. I’m happy the way I am. Who needs to be healthy?

The sad thing was, almost immediately people started patronizing this strange invader to my environment. Why? I don’t know. From what I could see, all they did was sweat, and then complain about how tired and sore they were. I of course am smarter than this. I never went in. I was content with not sweating. Although there was that that one lady who walked the treadmill by the big window which started my glands a tingling, but that’s another story. I never complained about watching her exercise.

Time to reflect

Anyway, my opinion was one of acceptance. I mean, there’s lots of weird people in the world. If they want to make themselves uncomfortable for an hour a day, so be it. I even tried an exercise machine once, just to see what the allure was. My opinion was, that waterboarding would be a faster way to achieve the same level of discomfort. Then again, I do admit it’s difficult to do all by yourself.

Next, much to my chagrin. I began to notice fitness centers popping up all over. They were spreading like a virus, and it made this poor slob sick. I attributed this to the new era of tolerance. Masochists all over the city were coming out of the closet, so to speak, and entering mainstream society. Good for them. Diversity is good. Granted, I would’ve preferred they did it someplace else.

Then a local restaurant, I frequented, closed and a fitness center went in. Now it was personal. When they start making it difficult to get pirogi’s, and goulash, something must be done. I should have acted then. Sadly, my own complacency kept me down. I thought, “Those are insane places, like Discos, Juice Bars, and On-line Sushi websites. Just a fad which would die in a few years.” I have seen so many fads come and go. I just sat there, comfortably, and waited for the inevitable. Bad choice!

Time to act

 Then it happened. (imagine another scream) Gloria Sue’s Doughnuts closed, and you guessed it, a fitness center moved in. Those freaks were replacing doughnuts with sweat. I didn’t understand it. Next, an old Italian bakery closed. This time it wasn’t a fitness center but a vegan grocery that moved in. How could this happen? Twelve thousand calorie, high fat, sugar filled, European breakfast pastries are an American institution. Possibly more prevalent than apple pie.

Something had to be done. I organized a community event against these horrors at Dunkin Donuts. Sorry, but I had to go with the chain store. All the local places were disappearing. As I entered the event, I was shocked to see that Dunkin’s had a healthy choice menu. What, the snarts, is going on?

Some of you may scoff at me and say, “This isn’t an infectious boil on the back end of society. It’s real people trying to give themselves better lives.” I strongly disagree. First, I have looked into the windows of these places. Real people don’t go in, because they’re like me. Real people have imperfections. Real people age. People like that are NEVER seen anywhere near those places. All you have to do to understand this, is to look at the exercising girls through the window. At least until a policeman walks by. If this happens, I suggest you leave quickly. That’s what I do.

Space time

Then I figured it out. Aliens have come to earth. Don’t panic, they are not hostile. I’m thinking their planet grew uninhabitable due to the smell of sweat socks, and the sound of the pain-ridden screams coming from people riding stationary bicycles. Of course, they brought along their horrible torture machines. They wanted to continue their strange rituals. But where will it end?

Are we just going to let them destroy our planet too? No, I say! I say we befriend these newcomers. Teach them the ways of cholesterol, before it’s too late. I’m convinced they’ll come over to our side once they taste the sweetness of fried chicken, Big Macs, and chocolate. Further, I am lobbying congress to fund NASA. They need to use the James Webb telescope, locate their planet, and build a space-wall to stop this Illegal migration.

Time for a solution

It may not work. Then again, we won’t know until we try. Yes, the cost will be billions of dollars. But think of the benefits. More strudel and less kale. Enough said. But if that isn’t enough for you, think about this; Dairies will sell more Ice-cream, and cheese. Door Dash will deliver more donuts. Sugar futures will explode. The economy will flourish. Chocolate fountains will make a comeback.

Well maybe not that. Those were gross.