Conclusion

I’ve come to a conclusion. Actually, I’ve come to a whole bunch of conclusions over the years. Coming to conclusions is kind of what I do. In fact, I was talking to my wife about this whole conclusion thing, just the other day. She, on the other hand, was ignoring me. Which is probably what you’ll start doing if I don’t shut up and get to some point, or another. Emotion understood. So, here goes…

I was thinking about baseball. In America, we call it our national pastime. The thing is, it’s only played seven months out of the year. Wouldn’t you think our national pastime should be something we do all year? Also, a lot of folks prefer football. If you’re one of them, you’re certainly not passing all your time worrying about baseball.

What do we do?

So, the question becomes; What is the true national pastime? I’ve put a lot of thought into this. Many different scenarios have popped in and out of my mind. Then something happened at work, which solidified a solution. Let me tell you about it.

A few weeks back, my administrative assistant went on vacation. It seems she feels she should have a life outside of work. How odd? Seriously, I was beginning to feel I was the only one who thought that way. Who knew? Anyway, she left and I had to cover some of her duties. Specifically, answering the phone. Oh boy, was that an experience.

One of the first calls I got was a lady complaining that she was behind one of our trucks. It was going too slow, and she couldn’t pass it. She further screamed, if she was late, it was our truck’s fault. I inquired, where she was, and how fast the truck was moving. These were probably irrelevant questions for her, but to me it made sense to me. Very annoyed, she informed me that she was on the highway, and our truck simply refused to go above sixty-five miles-per-hour.

I was confused. First, our trucks have safety governors, which prevent them from going over sixty mph. That truck was going faster than it was supposed to go. Secondly, the speed limit for that road is also sixty. In essence, this woman was complaining that our illegally speeding truck, was too slow, for her illegal speeding.   

Ohh that’s it

That’s when it hit me. The new American pastime I was looking for is simply; Complaining. We complain about everything. Even our former pastime of baseball. In fact, complaining is so popular with Americans, that those folks who love football complain about that too. It’s truly amazing!

A prime example of this is, hearing about what happens when folks are dropping their kids off at the high school. First, folks complain about the drop-off rules. Consequently, they break those rules, making the ones who follow rules complain. Next, the rule-complainers complain even more about the other people who refuse to follow the rules, just like they do. It really seems they feel that only themselves should have exclusive rights to avoiding the rules.

This makes no sense. The way I see it is; If everyone followed the rules, things would go smoothly, and there would be absolutely no reason for anyone to complain. But that’s not the American way. We would rather complain, even when we’re the one at fault.

I’m not a world traveler, but from the evidence I’ve collected, complaining may even be a worldwide pastime. From my stats, I’ve learned I have a worldwide audience. It started me thinking, “Shouldn’t I become part of the world at large?” It was a revelation; The reason my audience isn’t growing very fast is that I’m trying to spread laughter, and good thoughts. I’m not complaining enough. Well, for those folks who need bad news, I present this post. I’m going to complain. I’m not very good at it, but for all of you I’m going to give it a go.

How to handle the problem

The first problem was finding something to complain about. I usually laugh hysterically at what people do, and avoid getting upset. To complain properly, one has to be upset. I know how to do a lot of things. Sadly, being appropriately angry isn’t one of them.

I decided to investigate this issue completely before I jumped into the deep-end. I wanted my complaining to be at a high-level. Consequently, I went straight to the source. I looked at social media for hours to get a real feel for how complaining is done. It’s a very good source, and I learned many things.

First, you have to take issue with something people can relate to. If you complain about bathing your platypus, for example, no one will understand. Your complaints will fall on deaf ears. On the other hand, grumble about a restaurant, and everyone will join in. Even folks who live thousands of miles away, will help you protest that eatery. In fact, if you strike a nerve, you’ll get folks to start complaining about your complaining. It’s truly quite amazing.

Never offer answers

Another thing, you can never offer solutions when complaining. This situation calls for righteous indignation. Of course, being the victim of a perceived injustice is also helpful. Let’s say you got soggy vegetables, at the said restaurant. You must portray this as a personal affront. They purposely over-steamed that spinach because the server didn’t like your ears. Never, because, the chef made a one-time, honest mistake.

Remember, never mention the fact that you weren’t even thinking of eating that silly green mess, in the first place. You hate leafy greens. You most likely only ordered it, to give yourself something to complain about. Then again, there is the possibility, the restaurant only serves the crap, to keep folks from noticing how awful the salmon is. Or, am I the only one who thinks this way?

Naturally, you can’t have this whole conversation without mentioning the great whining enigma. No one likes whiners. But conversely, everyone loves to whine. It’s actually quite amazing. My social media observations prove this point quite eloquently. I saw one post where some guy griped extensively about picking up dog poop. Some lady chastised him profusely. She told him to stop whining, because nobody wanted to hear it. Picking up poop is all part of owning a dog and he should suck it up.

I went over to her page thinking I’d found my soul mate. Could she be the one other person in the world who hated grumbling as much as I do? Nope! Her site was virtually dedicated to moaning about raccoons in the trash. Sounds pretty hypocritical to me. You shouldn’t yell at someone for whining when all you do is whine. In fact, I bet if I looked hard enough, I could find a forum dedicated to whining about folks who do too much whining. But I digress.

Only problems

Either way, my research is complete. I know all there is to know. I can finally start on my journey of complaining. Now, what should I complain about first? Hang on a second? Did I just spend so much time discussing complaining, I don’t have any time to complain?

I hate when that happens!