From Boring to Exciting

A while ago, I walked into my boss’s office. Actually, I walk into her office several times a day. And frankly, not many of them are very memorable. Most are, in fact, very boring with stuff that would put the average insomniac into forever sleep. I did surprise her once and she spilled her coffee all over her desk calendar. I guess that could be called exciting. Or not if you’re an intellectual who despises stupid sight gags. I leave it to you to choose.

Later, she sent me out to replace it. Have you ever tried to get a new calendar in July? Talk about limited selection. You can’t get this year’s anymore and next year’s isn’t out yet. I eventually found one with pictures of kittens fighting with Japanese weaponry all over it. Now all her appointments read something like this, “We have a meeting with Mr. Persian on Nunchakus the fifteenth at Katana-O-clock.” Very confusing!! I can’t wait until next year when things get back to normal. But this is beside the point

Advice

Five or six weeks ago I entered the office with a prediction. I told her after putting in a lot of time with a prospective client, I really felt we were spending way too much money courting them. I was positive they were planning to ride our gravy train as long as they could. Then dump us faster than a slimy guy dumps a brunette when a big-chested blonde walks into the bar. She disagreed.

I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s because she is a blonde and has never been dumped. I on the other hand am a shortish anemic man. I’ve been dumped lots of times. I know the signs. However, my inferiority complex is not the subject of this post. Unless of course you want it to be. I’m also very needy and starving for unwarranted attention.

The point is she told me not to worry. Negotiations often have ups and downs, but they work out in the end. She said I was taking what I saw in their office way too seriously. Too Seriously? How am I supposed to take a guy hanging wallpaper with our competitor’s logo all over the reception area? I call that a telltale sign something’s up.

Unseriously Folks

Also, I took offense at her attitude. I don’t take anything seriously. I showed up on my wedding day with a boutonniere that squirted water and a woopie cushion for the pastor’s chair. However, my humor is a little too low-brow for that crowd. I thought it was funny. Sadly, no one else did.

In reality, I don’t even take her seriously, and she’s responsible for my livelihood. My cat and rabbit are already pissed off at me. Imagine what it would be like if I could no longer bribe them off with expensive food. The dog’s no problem. WD would eat carpeting if she was hungry enough. I know this because she already has. But yet again, this is beside the point.

Little big man

The reason I don’t take anything seriously is because everybody’s lying to me. There’s a huge billboard near my house saying, “Call King Sam. He’s the biggest home buyer in the state.” As it turns out I’ve met Sam. He is not a king. I don’t know a whole lot, but I know kings are chosen by succession. All Sam’s ancestors are American pig farmers.

Even if we let the inaccurate assumed title go, we must remember he’s only about five-foot-three. That’s one-point-six meters to the rest of the world. My cousin is six-five and weighs over three hundred pounds. He buys houses. Agreed, not very many, but this makes him a much bigger home buyer than King Sam. The billboard is all lies!

Science and Math

Another problem is the whole science thing. Science is supposed to be facts, facts and only facts. Thing is if you attend any scientific lecture, one guy stands up in front of the crowd and tells them the facts, while all the others question him. If there are so many questions then the guy can’t be giving you facts, now can he?

Algebra and calculus are like this as well. Mathematics are supposed to be definitive. The absolute truth. There is no wavering in math. But the very first thing they teach when you learn this crap, is the variable. I’m not a brainiac or anything but as I see it is; If something is the truth, it’s NOT variable. Here’s another baffling question; Why does the idiot humorist’s logic make more sense than the educated scientist’s?

My son recently showed me an equation he was supposed to solve. It was chock full of X’s, Y’s and the occasional Z and A. It also had lots of squiggly lines and symbols that looked like the runic language of ancient dragons. He thought I could help because I took classes in this stuff forty years ago. Not wanting to lose face in front of my progeny, I gave him the best answer I could: Forty-Two! Hey if it’s good enough for the universe, it’s good enough for me.

My son frowned and backed away. I was informed my answer couldn’t be right because the answer had to be another equation with multiple variables. This made no sense. The answer to an equation can’t be an equation. That’s like answering a question with a question. Like when I ask my wife what she wants for dinner and she responds with, “What do you want for dinner?” This is obviously not an answer to the original question. The problem has not been solved to any respectable degree. Apparently, the language arts are more definitive than math and science. But don’t tell your professor that. They’ll flunk you just on general principles.

English lesson

Then again, I only know about English lessons, where early grade school teachers pound the rules of language into your head with a virtual sledge hammer. Then about forth grade they tell you there are many exceptions to those rules. All of a sudden, the stone those instructions were etched in becomes gelatine. Now I like gelatine, but I would never write a rule on it. Unless, of course, it was cherry-banana, I hate that flavor. But again, I’m getting away from the topic.

Take the I-Before-E Rule. It clearly states, when together in a word, I comes before E. This should be simple. Educators call this a rule, but it’s not! Right in the rule’s verbiage three lines of a four-line instructional poem talk about the exceptions. I mean, who wrote this crap an English professor, or a criminal attorney?

I did a little some extensive research on this topic. Well, I did if you call asking Goole on my phone a few moments ago, “extensive” Either way, the all-powerful Google told me there are nine-hundred-twenty-three exceptions to this rule. Considering the number of words in the language this isn’t a bad offering. Unless you consider the fact only forty-four words adhere to the so-called rule. I think it should read more like this:

My new rule

I before E

Except when on weed

Also when it rains…

Or If You’re Insane!!!