Don’t Panic I Might Have Your Back… Maybe

The world health organization is once again panicking, and that’s got the media in an uproar due to the fact that there are too many news organizations and too few news stories. How are they all going to fill twenty-four hours a day with only one health scare? I am not referring to the Corona virus outbreak. Oh, don’t get me wrong. This outbreak is very serious, but frankly this is only the world’s virus du jour. Hey I read books and watch TV, and the virus I’m worried about is the one that will cause the zombie apocalypse.

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Just look at Netflix, there are ten zombie related shows available. This doesn’t include the ones that were cancelled before this season. Amazon Prime has even more. Disney Chanel even came out with a kid’s program showing zombies integrating into a local High School. Last Halloween there was even a service where you could drive through a preselected route and shoot zombies with paintballs. There has got to be something to all of this, even though you never see anything about it in the regular news media. It is a conspiracy of the first order. I’m thinking we already have seen the virus rear its ugly head and whenever anyone is diagnosed, they get shipped to Antarctica for quarantine. Don’t believe me? Then you explain to me why people are stationed to live at the south pole during the minus one-hundred-degree winters. And don’t go on with all that crap about them doing research. It’s cold and icy. If I wanted do research on ice I could do it in my kitchen freezer for a whole lot cheaper. Got you there, didn’t I?

Anyway, I think the real question is: Why? Why Antarctica? Why all the secrets? Why isn’t the virus spreading? Why hasn’t Macdonald’s opened a franchise there as yet? Why can’t I get my teenage children to listen? Why? Why? Why? Admittedly, while most of these are on topic, that last one is just my own frustration. So, I will just move on and answer the ones I can and leave the others to rest.

I suspect the answer to all these questions has a great deal to do with government embarrassment. Look around you. Sars, Swine flu, Bird flu, and even the Corona Virus had gotten a viable vaccine relatively quickly. The medical community was easily able to congratulate themselves in no time at all. Then show the world they were trying their best. Perhaps this one isn’t so easily to isolate. I mean have you ever asked a zombie for a blood sample? You can’t do it. A tech sticks the needle in their arm but the zombie just walks away leaving the arm behind. Sure, he might be diagnosed with the illness but after the twenty-four-hour incubation period you have to find him all over again. With so many zombies missing various body parts, this could be a serious problem. Worse yet, sometimes you could be taking the sample with your arms while he is using his free arm to facilitate eating your brain. Like I said, a difficult proposition at best.

Speaking of brain eating, another problem in isolating this disease, is there seems to be three strains; Flesh eating, Brain eating, and Intestine eating. Other than this one factor, all other outward symptoms are quite similar. This makes isolation a real headache. Say you pick up a zombie. What do you do? You can’t just put him in a room with a couple of cute lab techs, like you see in the movies, and see what part of your friends the monster tries to eat first, to figure out what strain it might be. Better, to just drop them all on a freezing wasteland full of penguins and walruses than to attempt to get that test past the FDA. Just think of the paperwork. You may ask; Why not the north pole? All I can say is, don’t polar bears have enough trouble?

So, I have established that there must be zombies at the south pole. And sure, fifty years ago this wouldn’t have been an issue. The thing is I’m starting to see a lot of stuff on the news about the melting polar ice caps. Of course, I don’t believe everything on the news. I mean there was this one story that said Keith Richards was clean and sober. Now, who’s going to believe that. Either way, if the ice cap thing is true, it could be the be the beginning of something very bad.

At least that’s what the news media would say. You see the media has millions of outlets and only so many stories. Therefore, they have to do one of two things. Either make up a story into something new and strange like; In the next hundred years every blond woman currently over the age of twenty, now living, will be dead. However, due to improvements in technology many of those younger, and as yet unborn, will survive. Or they have to use scare tactics like this; Defrosted Undead All Over the Planet. The Antarctica Ice Shelf has finally melted enough to allow millions of quarantined zombies to escape!! And they’re moving north!!!

Don’t believe their scare tactics. The media is just trying to sell advertising. They don’t have your best interests in mind. So once again Mr. Ohh! has to clarify why this is not an issue for most of us. First of all, remember zombies are not very bright. If they move north, they are most likely going to end up wandering around the oceans indefinitely. Oh, they may luck into a deserted island and wander around there for a while, but frankly zombies bore easily. They’ll just sit down under a palm tree and that’s it.

There is a sixteen percent chance some of them will hit land. If it’s Africa things are really easy. Just give them a clear shot to the Sahara Desert. After spending all that time frozen, when they see that warm sand, they’ll think they’re on a beach. Drop in a couple of crates of margaritas every once and a while and they’ll be fine. Then again, they might come ashore in South America. This would be a worst-case scenario. It would take a long time but they could move north through the continent, and possibly into Mexico and the USA. If this happens there is only one choice, move to Canada.

If you had done as much research as I have, you’d notice that Canada never is mentioned in a zombie apocalypse, and I think I know why. Go to any book store and look at the printed price. It will say something like; USA $6.50  Can $7.50 Zombies can’t deal with this. To them a dollar is a dollar. How can it be different in Canada? Any thrifty zombie will tell you; they’re not paying a buck extra for the same thing. Consequently, they just refuse to go. The undead never understand exchange rates, vampires are the same way.

I actually have a bit of additional research but I hesitate to bring it up, as it is incomplete. As I mentioned there are three strains of zombie. Now this doesn’t apply to the flesh or intestine eating type of creature, but if you could isolate the brain eating strain you wouldn’t need to send them to the south pole. You could just drop them in Washington DC. They would starve to death. I’m just saying!

3 thoughts on “Don’t Panic I Might Have Your Back… Maybe

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