Ladies and gentlemen, it is a somber time for all of us. But there is I group of people that I think should be remembered even though, frankly; they don’t want us to. They are suffering. With all of us staying at home their livelihoods have been completely been disrupted. They won’t be receiving any stimulus, they won’t be receiving food help, in point of fact everybody hates them. But as John Lennon once said, “I am the Walrus.” I don’t know what that has to do with all this, but either way, I am starting a new help campaign for those poor unfortunates, and calling it; Remember the Criminals.
Think about the poor bank robber. He or she spends a sizable amount of cash to go to Bob Dillinger’s Bank Robber School, it’s in Muncie, Indiana, and two years learning disguises and how to say things like, “Put all the money in the bag,” in a low menacing voice. Sure, it’s only a certificate program, but it still can be a major cost when you’re unemployed. Then, when they get out, all the banks are closed. Remember also, bank robbery is freelance work, the school doesn’t have a placement office. Just like all those folks who went to the Whatever School of Broadcasting thinking they’ll become a DJ and get rich, they end up getting laughed at by potential employers. Can’t you just imagine the job interview: “Yea I have a certificate in in safe cracking and that makes me qualified to open up people’s skulls and do brain surgery.
Another group to consider are call-girls. They work mostly at conventions. With everything in lock-down there are no conventions. Even if they could get a little work on the side, can you imagine these people trying to do their job while wearing a mask, latex gloves, and all the time maintaining six feet of distance. There’s a visual for you. Also, these girls never file tax returns which means they won’t get any stimulus payments. Imaging getting no stimulus when your whole career is based on stimulation. But enough about that.
One of the hardest hit groups is house burglars. With everybody at home they’ve got nothing to do except case the houses they’d like to rob. That being said the only empty houses are the ones owned by burglars out casing houses, and there’s no honor among thieves. Guess who gets looted. Consequently, the guys with the least get stolen from. So, Sad! Now he has to find the one who took his stuff and steal it back. This goes on and on, around and around until everyone had had the same loot several times.
Imagine the poor fence. Bruno comes in to tell him he just stole a great diamond. The fence offers Bruno a grand for it. Bruno goes home and finds he’s been robbed. Then Ricky comes to the fence and says he’s got the jewel. Back home and nope. Then Johnny, then Lefty, then Fingers, then Eddie, then Clyde, all say the got it. But they all got burgled. The poor fence just has to sit in the pool hall 24/7 for six weeks waiting for someone smart enough to actually bring it with him. Eventually Bruno will get it back, but by the time he does the fence has died of starvation because the pool hall doesn’t serve food. It is really tough all over.
Now Bruno has to find another buyer and will probably get nailed by an out-of-work pick-pocket on his way. That’s another thing. If nobody’s out walking around, how are pick-pockets supposed to survive? These folks train for years. It is a very specialized talent to reach into someone’s pocket without them feeling it. They just can’t get another job. It’s like being a heart surgeon. You’re not going to walk in to Harry’s Paving asking for a job if all you got on your resume is cardiac doctor. Oh sure, you might get something if Harry’s felling a little peaky, but imagine if it was pick-pocket on the old application.
I could go on; Shoplifters can’t work if stores aren’t open, Embezzlers don’t show a profit if they can’t get to the office, Speeders don’t get tickets if there are no school zones, and bullies can’t get lunch money if there is no school. The point is we are in danger of losing all these ancient professions. There are hieroglyphics in the ancient tomb of Amen Ra that translate to, “Oh crap! Call the cops! I’ve been robbed!”
That’s why tomb raiding was so popular in the 21st century BC. I figure with all the plagues going on back then and the city of Luxor was on lockdown the thieves had to do something. Alone in a tomb it is easy to maintain social distancing. So, the powers that be stopped putting riches in tombs and so the hard luck ones moved to stealing body parts, Though I will admit the market for these is very limited. But I digress.
Now I’m sure some of you are thinking that you don’t care if criminals can work or not, or that maybe the world be better without them. Well shame on you. Criminals are people too you know. They have mothers, and puppies and goldfish named Spike. They need love like anyone else. Besides felons are a valuable part of our economy.
Think about the last time you went to the store: You went through a detector, a camera was filming you, there was an anti-theft device on what you bought, and your credit card had to be approved. Without crooks none of these things would be necessary. Thousands of hard-working folks would be out of work. This doesn’t include the police departments, lawyers, and all those folks who work for the courts and jails. If the criminals disappeared the amount of unemployed would be staggering. It would cause the greatest depression in the history of the world since the last one!
That’s why I say we must save them. Help the criminals and we help ourselves. They do it for us every time they can. I’m always hearing stories on the news about criminals helping themselves, and if they can do it, we can do it.
I know this may be a touchy subject for some of you. You aren’t sure you want to leave your house and car unlocked with all your jewelry in plain sight. I understand. I wouldn’t want to do that either. But there are little things you can do. There are three-hundred-twenty-seven million people in the USA. If one third of them donated ten dollars to save the criminal element that would be over ten-million-dollars to this worthy cause. So, look around. If the person on your left or right hasn’t sent in anything, then it’s up to you.
Send all payments to the Mr. Ohh! Criminal Cash Fund and I will make sure it goes to a worthy crime family. That is unless it gets stolen. The mail is a bit unreliable these days. Hang on a sec and I’ll get you the address. It’s in my wallet. Hmmm Hmm Hmm Not that pocket. La la la Wait a minute I can’t find my wallet. Someone stole my wallet! Those darn Crooks!