Hey, how about a history lesson? First question; Who won the War Of 1812? If you would like something easier try; Who fought in the War Of 1812? Or maybe Why was the War of 1812 fought? I could also ask Where and How, but I’m pretty sure all of you know When the War Of 1812 was fought? The answer to that of course, is 2020 and every year before that. Don’t believe me? Well I have proof.
First, let me say that the war of 1812 started because the British were sore losers. I know they’re not anymore, and I don’t blame them for being that way when they were. You see back then, the British had an empire, a really nice one, and in 1776 the United States stole a big hunk of it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from history; It’s if you steal a hunk of someone’s empire, they get pissed. Next, the US thumped them in the Revolutionary War, which by the way, had never happened before that. So, the British went back home, grabbed their respective Teddy bears, and sulked.
But then there was Canada. Canada was a strange partnership between Britain and France. You know like those strange mergers we see today; Like Nickle Shoes is owned by Cougar Athletics, which is managed by a holding company that’s a wholly owned subsidiary of Nickle Sportswear. Confusing? Sure, and it was back then too. In the early 1800’s the French were between revolutions and in need of cash so they sold North America. It was a hot real estate market back then, but they actually took a loss. Half went to the US and half to Great Britain. Now I’m not sure if Napoleon was playing favorites, but the US got New Orleans, the ski resorts of Aspen and the Mississippi river. Great Britain got the frozen tundra of the northwest territory and Quebec, which still refuses to admit it’s not part of France.
Consequently, King George had a lot to be upset about. What did he do? He gave guns to the Native Americans so they could fight the US. When the CIA under Tomas Jefferson found out about all this, they got jealous. They were planning to do the same thing to Canada. Since they didn’t want to look like copy-cats, they sent in the marines to beat up those losers. Playground politics was as healthy then as it is now, so there was a war. Later, Hazard Perry (Weird name) said, “We have met the enemy and he needs a shave,” or something like that. There was a battle at a scary place called Fort Eerie, which is on a misspelled lake of the same name. And after three years they stopped fighting. They all signed a three-hundred-fifty-seven-page treaty which clearly stated, everything was exactly the same as it was at the beginning of the war. Talk about a waste of time.
The thing is bad feelings ran high. The US still had a hunk of the British empire and to make matters worse was expanding further to the west every day. I believe it was there and then, a great plot was hatched. Canada was going to conquer the US no matter what it took.
They were at least smart enough to understand that it couldn’t be done with the military. The US seemed a bit stronger and they certainly didn’t want to lose any more territory. They had to resort to subterfuge. The first skirmish was how to control the Niagara Falls. The Canadians won that one in a big way. Once you control a hundred thousand newlyweds you’ve got it in the bag. Look at it this way, couples go to Niagara Falls, Canada for their honeymoon and immediately the whole country is associated with love and sex. You just can’t help it. My uncle honeymooned there, and on his ninety first birthday somebody causally mentioned Canada and he had a heart attack. The problem was it took two weeks for the undertaker to get the smile off his face and a third week to close the casket. Use your imagination to figure out why.
Once they got control of lovers, they needed to make the US territory more comfortable for Canadians. For this they chose the world of sport. Have you ever noticed there are no NFL football teams in Canada, and only one MLB baseball team? On the other hand, there are twenty-two national hockey league teams in these United States. It’s an outrage when the American pastime has twenty-nine teams in the US and the Canadian national sport has twenty-two teams down here. With expansion always on the horizon they’ll catch up in no time. For those of you paying attention it’s Canada two, America ZIP!
Next there’s something I’m really concerned about. Sure, they can make Canada sound sexy, and I guess it’s okay if Hockey is popular, but when you start terraforming the land I get really upset. You think I’m wrong? Well just ask my father. He told me that when he was young, he rarely, if ever, saw a Canada goose. Then about the time my sisters and I were born they started showing up a lot more. I was talking to a naturalist the other day and she told me there is now a species of Canada goose that never returns to Canada. But is it an American goose? Nope! Moose and black bear are starting to show up further south every season. They have dared to change the migration patterns of animals to make our sovereign land more comfortable for them. Those geese are even breeding in Florida. That’s about as far from Canada as you can get. On a side note, I’ve decided I’m never going up north. If they like all this goose poop all over everything down here, I don’t want know what their cities look like. Three to nothing folks.
Next, they tried to take over the entertainment industry. Rock stars Rush, and Neil Young, Comedians like Dan Ackroyd, and a whole host of singers from Celine Dion to Shawn Mendez, Actors like Michael J Fox and Duane ‘The Rock’ Johnson. It’s not bad that these folks are talented. The issue is they come here and they don’t go home.
Did you know the distance from Mexico to the Canadian border 2168 miles? Well when I was in Texas recently, I saw a sign which read Canadian border 2100 miles. Canada is slowly marching southward Don’t try to tell me it’s not a conspiracy. It all fits like a bad spy novel. If he wasn’t British, I would say we need James Bond.
The real question is what can we do about it, at this late date? I say we need more anagrams! Important ones like DACA, IRS, HMO, PPE and USPS are how America gets things done. Congress hear my plea and get to work on the correct anagrams and start to solve this issue.
If DC told the OIC of NORAD, SAC, and the USMC to get its ASS working on CAN/ USA XPAT issues PDQ that’s AOK