Well another one has come and gone. A holiday whose significance cannot be measured in anyway known to man. Some say it’s a spiritual experience, but I think it’s more than that. Others, who have seen both, feel it comes closer to the vibe of Woodstock with all its music and substances. For me it feels more like the sensation you get at All-You-Can-Eat Nacho Night at Big Ben’s Pub and Grill on Gilmore Street. Not just the night but also the morning after when all the truth comes flowing out at the porcelain alter, if you know what I mean. Yes, once again Shark Week has come and gone.

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but somehow the second week of August is declared Shark week in the USA. During this week, all of a sudden, every television station feels the need to show programs with sharks, about sharks, and sometimes for sharks. I was unaware sharks watched television but I guess swimming around in aquariums can get pretty boring.

I actually went to an aquarium once during shark week and the sharks refused to do anything shark-like. Instead, they stood on their back fins, looking completely non-menacing, and holding signs, which read, “Shark week smirking, We’re not working” and “It’s our week, So we’re being meek.” The aquarium folks were going nuts, trying to get them moving. I really didn’t mind. I had never seen a shark protest before, and it was unlikely I was going to see one again. I was enjoying it. Different strokes, I guess.

Sharks are cool and all, I mean some people use their skin as sandpaper. If that’s not cool, I don’t know what is. But do they deserve a whole week, every year? There are already so many folks who study sharks, film sharks, follow sharks, feed sharks, and of course stuff and hang them over the piano in lousy bars. Why do we need to plaster them all over the airwaves as well? Right now, you’re probably saying it’s because they’re dangerous. Well no it’s not, and stop talking to yourself, people are looking, you’re embarrassing me. Do you realize, in the whole world, there were only one-hundred-one shark attacks last year? There were over three times that many folks getting hit by lightning, and that’s supposed to be super rare. Nobody is out there saying we should have a lightning week.

Another not-so fun fact is that out of all the attacks, twenty-six of them were provoked. Who is dumb enough to swim up to a Great White and provoke him? You know, slap him on the nose, grab his fins. grab his wallet, insult his mother, stuff like that. Obviously, they were either drunk or hadn’t paid enough attention during the previous shark week. Perhaps TV producers are so desperate to get ratings for Shark Week they pay unsuspecting souls and convince them that it’s just a rubber shark and if they go and provoke it, they might make it into the next movie. By the time they find out the truth… Oh well.

There’s another thing: The Movies. In Jaws, Steven Spielberg makes a killer shark the enemy of man and BAM, everybody thinks sharks are something special and notoriously evil. That’s it isn’t it? They got a movie. Mosquitos never got a movie so there can never be a mosquito week. I am finally beginning to understand why people love dolphins. We saw dolphins on TV and we fell in love with them. Now every peaceful poster has to contain a dolphin or two leaping gracefully in the air. What if Flipper had been a cow?

First an obvious thing, the name would have been terrible, but other than that we would all be thinking cows were the universal symbols of peace. There would be studies trying to teach cows to communicate, and folks would be making pilgrimages to Wisconsin and Iowa, to walk among the cows. World travelers would be flocking to Florida, USA to see the new and improved GrassWorld. Cows would have a special arena where they would do tricks like jumping through hoops and balancing balls on their noses. Of course, there would be another area for a bison named Shamu to do her tricks. And likely conservationists all over would probably protest the whole place as being cruel to the animals.

So once again Marketing rears its ugly head. Sharks get a movie or two, perhaps a decent press agent and viola, they get an entire week. In August no less! I should have such a press agent, but alas I have neither the number of teeth, nor the lust for blood sharks do. So no one wants to make a movie about me. However, I could offer Hollywood a few suggestions.

 Speaking of rare ways to harm humans, do you know how many people are injured by “Hot Dog Related Incidents”? Well neither do I, but according to Google and several noted doctors it’s a lot, and they should carry a warning. Not just for the mystery stuff that makes them up but for other reasons too. Maybe we would be better to put our money into a Hot Dog week. Hmm! Or consider, Octopus have no bones, two brains, and are smarter than dolphins. Maybe inspirational posters should show them jumping out of the water under rainbows. But alas many species are venomous, so no week, no movie, no posters, and no sneaker endorsement deals, which could be quite lucrative considering each of them have eight legs.

So, what animal deserves a week? That is a good question, and as I am Mr. Ohh!, I feel it is my sacred duty to provide you with an answer. It has to be an animal that is very dangerous, but perhaps one that many people don’t fear much to their dismay. Something with hidden talents which good or bad have to be explored. Larger animals are always best because they’re easier to get on camera. Lastly, it must look mean, really mean, meaner than mean, so mean that…AHHHH! Sorry I Scared myself just thinking about the hideous creature I am about to mention. The beast I think deserves a week all to itself is, Dum Dum Dum, The Pig!

Think about it, pigs are nasty things. In the islands, feral pigs destroy crops, indigenous wildlife, and tear down huts and anything else in their way. Like sharks they can eat anything. I once saw a pig eat my aunt Emily’s fruitcake and those are considered toxic by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Even a shark wouldn’t eat that on its hungriest day. Pigs can smell out truffles buried three feet down under a tree. Yes, sharks can sniff out blood a mile away but that’s no big deal. If I want some blood, I can just stick a pin in myself and there it is. Easy Peasy. I haven’t even started thinking and it’s already Pigs two, Sharks zero.

So next year I’m lobbying for Pig Week. Pig shows on TV and all the rest of it. Besides, if it’s pig week, we can eat all the bacon we want. Yum Yum!