Hello to all you good people. Hi to the bad folks as well. I certainly don’t want to discriminate. I leave it to you to determine which you are and will not say a word. How very complete of me. The funny thing about being so comprehensive is that it doesn’t extend to all walks of life. I remember when I was just a Little Ohh! and we had fun with tongue twisters. A favorite was the simple: She Sells Sea Shells by The Sea Shore. A lovely little ditty but it’s not precise enough.
The first thing one wonders is just how close she was to the shore? Was she a safe distance when the tide came in? Also, just who is this mysterious “She”? Why is she afraid of identifying herself? Perhaps she doesn’t have legal status and is running from ICE. Maybe she is filling those shells with illegal spider feathers, and is a chief promoter in the de-feathering of spider’s, in the Amazon Rainforest. You just don’t know. The poem gives you way too little information.
A much better twister is the favorite: Betty Botta Bought Some Butter. But She Said “This Butter’s Bitter. If I Put It in My Batter, It Will Make My Batter Bitter.” So, She Bought Some Better Butter. Made That Bitter Batter Better. Better Than the Bitter Batter from The Bitter Butter Betty Botta Bought.
This one is very clear and almost comprehensive. It mentions she noticed the bitterness and thought about it, but does not explain how the bitter stuff got in to the batter. Aside from that it was perfect for its time. Now, however, it would go something more like this: Betty Botta Bought Some Butter. But She Said “This Butter’s Bitter. CRAP!!” Betty Botta Briskly Bounded Back to the Bodega and Bitched!
You see life’s not so simple as when I was a child. People love to complain. I spent several years of my working life in retail and customer service, I can tell you: Complaining has become a national pastime. When I started, I learned words that made my ears fall off. I can’t mention them because it took two hours and half a bottle of Super Glue to get them stuck back on, and I’m not sure they’re straight to this day. I actually took classes in how to de-escalate a situation when someone was using bad language. Sadly, all that was a few years back. Before the next generation started working.
You see, I like Pizza. I believe it’s just about the greatest food and or snack in the world. I read somewhere, the Persian empire was started when a bunch of guys bought some beer and went looking for a pizza. You know how some guys can be. They ran out of beer, and when they bought more, they told some other guys about the pizza. Soon it was hundreds of drunk guys running across the desert looking for a good pizzeria. Then they came across a city. Somehow between the alcohol and the promise of a fresh pie, things got a little out of control. When they found not a speck of tomato sauce, mozzarella or pepperoni they got really upset and tore up the place. Then they went to the next city and so on. You can easily see how this could get out of hand and lead to the great search and the great Pizzian Empire.
This terrible and senseless destruction led to possibly the greatest invention since bread. Heck, you don’t need slices. Just pound it flat and make it a pizza crust. Anyway, these events led to the invention of pizza delivery. The real thing, not the GrubHub/ DoorDash knock off where you need two apps and three passwords to get your food. No with Pizza you just make a phone call, give them your card number, and viola the pie comes to your door. Or at least that’s how it’s supposed to happen.
The other day I called for a pizza, and did everything right. I answered all the questions put to me, by the clerk, about my card, hung up the phone, and waited. And waited. And WAITED! The guy had told me it would be twenty to thirty minutes. I waited just over an hour. When I called back and asked where my pizza was, the kid who answered said she had no idea. Well, let me tell you, my complain nerve was activated. I asked for the manager and my voice started to get loud. When the manager came on the line, I demanded to know what happened to my dinner. He asked me to calm down and said my card had a problem.
I asked why they hadn’t called and told me of the issue so I could correct it. I was informed they calculated I would call eventually so they waited for me. If I would ever have done that to a customer I would have been shot, then fired. Anyway, I was now angry and was getting louder. I called the policy Stupid! Yes, I said “Stupid”. I’m not proud of it but sometimes horrible things come out,
The Manager, who sounded about fifteen, told me he didn’t have to hear that kind of language and would hang up if I didn’t apologize. I was shocked. Apologize for saying, “Stupid”? I couldn’t say anything. A few seconds later he came back and again demanded I calm down, or he would not serve me. I informed that there are six local pizza places around and I didn’t need his %$#*#@$ service and hung up. I hope he didn’t cry when I forgot to say, “Good-Bye”.
I calmed down and almost forgot the incident, thinking it was isolated and there was no way any other young people could be like that. I was wrong.
Yesterday I drove through a café and ordered my favorite cup of tea. The line was very long but the tea is great so I waited. I drove off and a few miles up the road noticed I had gotten the wrong drink. I was upset, but I had time so I drove back and noticed the Drive-thru line was even longer so I found a place to park, and went inside.
I was upset, and using my upset voice told them, they had blown my drink. They looked like I had informed them six of their grandmothers just died. I asked them to hurry but they wanted to whine about making it right for a few minutes, I proclaimed, “It’s just a cup of tea, for crying out loud”. Well, a gentleman came out of the back, told me his staff was doing their best, and it was rude of me to raise my voice.
Oh, my goodness, and shucky darn, I was horrified to think I might have destroyed those poor souls with my awful and disturbing language. I will set up a trust fund so they can have therapy for the next two hundred-thirty-years. NOT!!
I will however call the corporate office and give them a piece of my mind. Let’s hope they were born before 1995.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On