Welcome to August
Welcome to August. A very significant month in my life. Not only is it the peak of summer in the northern parts of the world, but it is also the month where my thoughts change from paying off Christmas bills to thinking about managing next year’s holiday debts. Yes, for thirty-one glorious days my credit cards are paid off. Ohh, I’m sure my car will probably explode, or some appliance will die, and cost a wad of cash to repair, just because I mentioned this. Unfortunately, I had to because it feels so good!
Actually, it might even be that one of my children is secretly hiding a major expense even as we speak. They have a tendency to do that. Children love to sit in their rooms and think up majorly expensive things to throw at their parents at the exact moment the parent is feeling absolute bliss. I have learned That destroying her father’s mood is my daughter’s favorite pastime. They have classes for this at the local junior college. I looked it up. It’s part of the economics program. It falls somewhere between Negotiation 201 and How To Take Over the World On Less A Dollar A Day 304.
A time to think about college
There a couple of prerequisites, but if you go to the right High School those credits can be picked up in your junior year. Then as a senior you can be learning how to destroy your father in eight weeks or less. The class description went something like this;
This class is for anyone who wishes to maximize parental financing of their lives, while avoiding using their own money for anything but frivolous spending. Students will learn effective whining techniques, and how and when to use flattery. Later the plusses of springing major expenses on parents at the last minute will be discussed, as well as ‘How Much Is Too Much’ A study on maximizing a father’s wallet output without running the well dry and being forced to get a job. This course requires the use of creative excuses and knowing when a parent is busiest and therefore least likely to say “NO”.
I am frankly very proud of my daughter starting to pass some college courses before finishing high school, but why does it have to be this one? I know girls who went to college just to find rich eligible bachelors and get married. I do not condone this. However, if it comes down to who’s going to pay for my daughter’s crazy indulgences for the rest of her life, better some rich kid I don’t know, than me.
A time to get more junk mail
There is another thing that makes August so grand. I actually start getting mail again in August. After months of walking to my mailbox and finding nothing but spiders and bills, the junk mail I live for has finally started arriving again. With all the Back-To School sales and new product arrivals, my mailbox is packed full of beautiful trash every day, and I don’t have to pay a cent for any of it.
What? You don’t live for junk mail? Ohh My! Perhaps you are not as enlightened as Mr. Ohh! is. Junk mail is important. Without it I can’t light my wood burning stove. I actually keep a bin of the stuff and use it as kindling. I have cooked meals on nothing but junk mail fires when the power has gone out. Also, when the power goes black, rolled junk mail makes a very effective torch. For my life, junk mail has become a necessary commodity.
And junk mail is very very useful
You’re probably thinking, “So What Mr. Ohh! Junk mail burns. Big deal, you can do all that stuff with a scrap of wood.” I agree. This is all true. But tell me this. When was the last time somebody sent you a scrap of wood in the mail, for free? It never happened. Also, you can’t do origami with a piece of wood before you burn it, as my son likes to do. Junk mail is far superior. Even if you don’t want to burn it, I have more uses for J M that you’ve never thought of.
Say it’s raining hard and the drains are likely to back up. I could pay seven hundred bucks for a sump pump, or I could just stuff those drains with junk mail. As they absorb the water, they clog the drain and you get no water in the basement. When it dries out, I pay my son ten bucks to clean out that yucky stinky disgusting mess and all is well. Of course, he’ll probably disown me in my old age, but that’s why I had more than one child.
Another use for the stuff is drywall repair. Tape a piece over the hole and paint. Works fine. Of course, if someone leans on that spot of the wall they do go straight through, but I call that entertainment value. Besides I pay insurance if any broken bones result. Then again, my insurance man doesn’t like me very much, but them’s the breaks.
It can even make you money
Also, J M led me to a unique business opportunity. One thing I’ve been getting a lot of lately is unwanted offers for credit cards. I used to just burn these and that was that. Then I started to read them. I never knew what a great thing these were. If I get these cards, they’re going to charge me interest on my purchases. This is pretty standard. What isn’t standard is now they all want to give me cash back on my purchases. It seems that if I buy stuff, and they charge me extra for doing it, at the end of the year, just for grins, they’ll send me a check. Which is really just some of the money I paid them. I called one of the companies and asked them if they could just charge me less interest and they said no. It doesn’t work like that.
In their silly math calculations, it’s better for me to give them lots of money so they can give some back to me, than it is for me to just give them a little money and leave it at that. At first, I thought this was stupid, but then I got a brilliant Idea. I could create a credit card that completely skipped the middle man. Instead of charging twenty percent interest, and giving four percent back, The Mr. Ohh! card just charges sixteen percent interest. It’s much simpler that way.
Mr. Ohh!’s new business
Then I thought, “All these purchases and calculating stuff is way complicated. Maybe we should just average everything out.” That’s when I figured you could eliminate purchases all together. The average household has Six-thousand-Three-hundred-Fifty-Four dollars on their credit card. At sixteen percent interest, that means everybody owes the Mr. Ohh! card One-thousand-Sixteen dollars. Because I’m a nice guy I’ll drop the sixteen bucks, and when you apply for my card, you only owe me a grand a year. This is far cheaper than all the other cards, and you never have to worry about any of that annoying math. Just pay me and forget all those stupid details,
Apply for the Mr. Ohh! card Today!!!
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On
2 thoughts on “For You I Have Such A Deal You Ain’t Gonna Believe!”
My daughters all knew how to wrap daddy around their little finger from day one.
Your credit card sounds like a great deal but I have to pass for the time being. I have a plan to start a modern art school.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this! I have discovered that my dogs also hide problems that cost money and wait until I have none.
LikeLiked by 1 person