Pinine for the movies

As winter is proceeding according a precedent… That’s a quote from Rudyard Kipling by the way, and some folks doubt my superior intelligence, Ha! Not you of course, you all know. Anyway, as winter is proceeding according a precedent, same quote, I have been visiting my local movie theatre. There I have found the movies way too expensive, and I go home to stream them on my computer. This is also too expensive, but I can watch them in my jammies. Although, at the theatre I don’t have to clean up after spilling my popcorn, so I guess there are plusses and minuses to everything.

Actually, I am finding myself wishing for the olden days when knights fought jousts, and people owned the movies they wanted on DVD’s. I’m told that when dinosaurs roamed the land there was something called VHS tapes and even before that, an obscure movie format called Beta. I wonder if this was anything like beta-testing new software? I had the opportunity to beta-test a game once and it was full of software bugs. What I was supposed to do was to keep a log of these bugs, and report them to the company. No, I did not get paid. My remuneration was that I got to keep the crappy, broken, unusable version of the software I tested. Somehow this deal did not give me the satisfying, warm and fuzzy feeling I was hoping for. Hey, maybe some guys like having crappy software clogging up their shelves. Who knows? It’s just not my thing. They say money can’t buy happiness, but in this case I would have been a lot happier with cash.

Bugs and Buuuugs

Getting back to the Beta Tapes. I once saw one of these in a technology museum. If Beta truly did mean the same beta as beta testing, and they came out in the pre-historical times before Mr. Ohh!. I mean, I’ve seen books on the bugs when the T-Rex lived. The animal not the band. Those things were huge. There was a dragonfly with an eight-foot wingspan, a roach as big as a cat, and a millipede longer than your leg. If a beta tester had to deal with those bugs, I can see why these were quickly replaced with VHS. Then again, it really gives you a feeling as to why men and women always walked around in ripped up garments and carrying big clubs. The bugs would be munching on the garments causing them to be tattered, and the clubs would be used to smash the bugs.

This however leads to another question; Why did the bugs chomp on woman’s clothing more than the men’s? I’ve seen the movies. In every one of them, the men have these large, almost gown-like coveralls and the women are all scantily clad. Especially the twenty to thirty set with large, shall we say, attributes. Those women all carry the same hefty clubs, but the bugs ate away their clothes at a much higher rate, until the girls were wearing practically nothing. I’ve seen many a nature program, but never one which explains that amazing fact. It’s not that I mind seeing meagerly dressed busty women. It’s that I hate hearing my wife, and especially my daughter rediscussing the topic every time we’re sitting and watching a movie. Face it, the ladies costumes do not add or take away anything from the plot, and it would be real nice to one time watch the movie without the critique. I’m just saying.

Sorting it out

That’s the thing about movies. They’re suppose to be in two categories, but they get them all mixed up. Take the fantasy category for instance. Here things are supposed to be bigger than life, escapist, and unbelievable. For those two hours we’re allowed to believe things that aren’t real, like people with power beams shooting out of their eyes, inter-dimensional travel. or honest politicians. Right? No, Wrong? You may not have ever lived with a ferret but inter-dimensional travel does exist.

I believe that

My friend asked me to babysit his ferret, Charlie a while back. Obviously this creature was not named by my children. Anyway, Charlie was in a cardboard box. There were no holes in the box, and the top was taped shut. My friend brought the box in, and we talked for a minute until he left. I looked at my feet to see a ferret rubbing my legs. There was no way for that ferret to get out of the box, yet there he was. I picked up Charlie the ferret and put him, and his cage in Baby-Bun-Bun’s room. I went to the kitchen to get myself an apple. I was told Charlie likes apples. I was not told he could hear the crunch of an apple from four rooms away, and beam himself to that location. Yet there he was at my feet again. Environmental folks say the black-footed-ferret is going extinct. Personally, I think they’ve just had enough, and are teleporting themselves back to their home planet.

Another thing writers like to use in the movies is tele-kinetics. I don’t get this at all. I understand that kinetics comes from the Greek word kinetos, to move. Therefore, tele-kinetics must mean to move something with your phone. Now that’s just stupid. No one would do this. That would shatter the screen in a minute, and be completely unnecessary. You might want to wear gloves, for protection, but not your phone. Put the phone back in your pocket and move that heavy object with your hands like a normal person.

That’s Unbelieveable

I could go on, but it’s time to get to the second type of movie. This type is supposed to be realistic. We are supposed to believe everything that happens in this type. That’s just a load of crap. The first one is the obvious one, and has to do with men and women again. Now, I understand that couples do the nasty, but how come when it is filmed women always remained covered to their necks and men always are showing their bare chests. Even if there is a sheet on the bed, somehow there is a line between the two which makes sure the sheet is up on one and down on the other. This is not believable.

Now I have to say I have the greatest respect for police officers. Theirs is a very difficult job and I salute them. Sadly though, in every movie they never seem to get it right. They always bring in the wrong person, and it is up to the hero to prove them wrong. They can search a crime scene, and find clues for a year, but it’s not until the little-old-lady amateur detective walks in, and in two minutes finds the torn matchbook that the true murderer is found. Also, do you really expect me to believe, that Perry Mason, a lawyer, goes to all these sites, and questions everybody? Nope! He has assistants and investigators to do that. He sits in an office and orchestrates it all like a great conductor. That’s his job.

In conclusion

So, what’s supposed to be believed is unbelievable, and what is fantasy I believe. I’m so confused.