Please like me!

Now I’ve never been a real popular person. This is probably because I’m just so good looking and highly intelligent that many others are jealous. I can understand that, and it’s a burden I have to bear. All this being said, a lot of people do like me. I mean, you like me. Don’t you? Hold on. Don’t answer that. If you said you didn’t like me I would cry, and the tears would leak into my computer causing a short circuit. Then I’d have to buy an expensive new laptop and transfer all my files. This would take a long time, and I’d have to ask my children for help. They would want me to gas up their cars, and buy them chocolate bars for helping. That would cost me even more cash. Hey I guess I’m like those surveys you get online all the time, “Don’t respond unless you give me a positive review.”

That’s actually hilarious when you think about it. In general people never give positive reviews. People love to complain. Look at any social media post or group thread and you’ll see about ninety percent complaints. The complaints will be about stupid stuff. Where I live there’s a road by the school that gets crowed in the morning, every day. Folks complain about it. Nothing can be done, but they still complain. I once suggested that since they were late, maybe they should leave a few minutes earlier, and folks complained about that. Therefore, asking folks to leave a positive review or nothing at all, is pretty much like telling them to, “Shut your mouth” I’m actually sure most of the four-star reviews out there are just stating, “The service was perfect, but the salesman asked me not to complain. In America it is my right to complain, so I’m lowering my review.” Frankly, I’m surprised there’s never been a thousand-person protest in support of Peoples Right to Complain, but I digress.

Some folks “SAY” they like me

The reason I mention all of this is that late last year, a client of mine truly liked me quite a lot. She liked me so much that she offered me a managerial position at her company, at quite an increase in salary. She took me out to lunch and even sprung for appetizers and drinks. Of course, I declined. Stupid idiot that I am. But I had to make sure I finished her project first. Darn non-compete-clauses. Anyway, the first of this year, I got a call from her boss offering me the job again. I called legal, they said it was okay, and I was on my way.

The first thing I had to do was run to a clinic take a drug test. Do you know how hard it is to pee on demand? I couldn’t perform if you get my drift. I was sent away a failure. How embarrassing! I was told to come back in an hour. I drank a gallon of water in that hour to make sure I would have no trouble with filling the cup, and fill it I did. The thing was, because of the amount of water, my electrolytes were too low, and the lab couldn’t do the drug test. I had to go back a third time. I figured if they still wanted me after all that, this must be a good job.

Others spend money on me

Next I had to interview with the executives. They liked me too. They actually gushed. They gave me coffee and donuts for breakfast. Then because the interviews ran long, they all took me to lunch at a restaurant that costs twenty-bucks just to look at the building. Now that’s expensive! They offered me a signing bonus! I felt like I was being recruited into a top-tier sports franchise. This time, my answer was, “Hail Yess!” Then came the test. (Insert dramatic music of choice here.)

They insisted it was just a formality. All their managers had taken it, and it was no big deal. The test was one of those psychological profiles that scientists use to make sure you’re a good fit. It was to be evaluated by a computer, and no human would see my answers. This I knew was bad, because I knew what the test would find. Well, I took it, and then waited, and waited, and waited. I called my friend at the company. She wouldn’t even take my call. A week later I got an email stating that after careful consideration I wasn’t right for the position. All of a sudden nobody over there liked me.

Sadly though, Computers DON’T like me

Now I want you to understand this; The president of the company said I was right for the position, but the computer said I wasn’t. The computer won.

 You see I knew what that machine would say. This wasn’t the first time it happened. I have something horrible in my psyche that makes me completely un-hirable in the corporate world. It’s like a disease and executives are afraid they might catch it so they keep away from anyone who might have it. It’s worse than leprosy when it comes to being cast aside. You see I’m creative, and I just can’t avoid it. Ohh I know I should conform, and stop thinking for myself, but I just can’t. I wanted to get a lobotomy, and be a drone, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it. What’s a writer supposed to do?

Seriously, I have a friend who is in recruiting, and human resources. She tells me all the time to make sure I don’t let my free thinking show too soon as it will impact negatively on my job search. What? I guess I now know why there are so many successful idiots.

The real freaky thing is, people don’t even look at job applications anymore. Computers do. I’m told when you submit a resume, the computer sifts through hundreds of them, and looks for keywords and phrases then spits out three or four to an assistant for a phone interview. This interview is preprinted, and is then compared to standard answers which if correctly matched the candidate might actually get so see a person. WOW!

So as therapy, I channelled my inner Idiot

This experience in January made me so angry I tried an experiment. I created a complete nonsensical resume for the Cheshire Cat. I applied for an accounting position taking phrases from Lewis Carroll and keywords from several job postings. I kid you not. I got an email for Mr. C. Cat requesting a phone interview in less than three weeks. It was quite obvious no one read the resume. If they had they’d have learned I had seven years’ experience as a tax account as well as being brillig in the slithy toves. Also, that I graduated from The Frumious Bandersnatch University with a 3.8 gpa in bookkeeping.  My hobbies include smiling, disappearing, and reappearing in strange places. There was all kinds of crap like that. I did book the interview, but the lady never called. She must have finally read the resume. OOPS!

So, I guess I’ll keep my current job, because they seem to like me. And to everyone else, I’m sorry if my intelligence, and creativity, make you all uncomfortable. NOT!