The Mr. Ohh! Shopping System

Here’s the Mr. Ohh! question of the day; Does anyone out there in blog land like to go holiday shopping? I bet I’ll get a resounding “NO! to this. I may get a few yesses and that’s cool, but still, I think ‘No’ will be the overwhelmingly popular answer. And there’s a good reason for it. Holiday shopping is stressful. Frankly, it just sucks. For everyone except Mr. Ohh! that is.

You see I have a system, that works every time. I carefully select a day to shop. Second, I go to a nice restaurant for lunch. Next, I happily eat, relax, and enjoy the holiday music played over the PA system. And lastly, I drink three beers, and two shots of peppermint schnaps. Then I head into the shopping center with cash and a list, and get it all done in a few hours while blasted off my gourd. It’s a holiday tradition. Yes, I sometimes overpay and buy two things for the same person, but those negatives are far outweighed by the positive experience. Another benefit is, I am considered the best gift-giver of all. So, put that in your stocking and Ho, Ho, Ho it!

They’re all against me

The internet tried it’s best to thwart my great tradition, with its lure of sitting at home in my pajamas while shopping, but I held firm. My title as champion Santa, and the yearly binge, is worth more to me than the comfort. Although, while I do sometimes regret it the next day, this problem is mitigated by the fact that as I get older fewer beers are necessary, and the cost of lunch goes down. When I was in my twenties, lunch was four or even five beers. So even in the day-after headaches, there are positives.

My wife doesn’t approve of my shopping style. This however, is to be expected. Wives believe in things like budgets, feeding the family, paying bills, and avoiding poverty. They’re so silly, but we love them anyway. Then again, because of her dislike, she has cut my list in half, and I do less shopping, and more lunching. The positives of this system never stop coming. Perhaps one day, if she gets upset enough, I will be able to select a day to get blasted at lunch, and not have to do any shopping at all. It probably won’t happen but I can hope.

A brief side track

Sadly though, as always, there are other forces around which are trying to prevent my continued happiness. If you’re thinking it’s my children, you’d be right, but I was kind of hoping you’d wait until I said it. I mean, if you all start knowing what I’m going to say before I say it, you might get bored with me, and stop thinking I’m some kind of super genius. That would really hurt my ego, and you wouldn’t want to be responsible for that. Would you? So, Now I’m going to tell you officially and you all just pretend you didn’t know. Okay?

My children are the worst

Sadly, my children pose another threat to my continued happiness. I bet you could never have figured that out. (Work with me here. My fragile ego is at stake) No, they aren’t against the drinking. But as millennials they don’t want anything you can get from a store. This week my second son asked me to avoid giving gifts this year and just send the money to save the wasps of the Sahara Desert. What? Yep, wasps. You know, black, yellow, stingers the whole bit.

I asked why? I was informed that with the increased use of non-native camels in the desert. Their poop is causing a rise in the number of Turd Beetles. Apparently, turd beetle larva competes for the same resources as wasp larva, and the wasps are losing.

I can’t fix the world’s problems

Camels were imported to Africa hundreds of years ago, so there’s nothing I can do about it now. Turd beetles are already there, just taking advantage of a situation. So, what could be done? He told me. It seems there’s a group trying to set aside large non-camel areas so the wasps can thrive in those places. It sounded good to me, so, I donated.

I actually got a framed certificate in the mail certifying me as a wasp friend. It looked really cool, so I gifted it to him. I also received three-hundred other letters from environmental groups asking for more money. Again, I’m not against any of them, but if I donated to all of their funds, I’d go extinct. Yes, I did this for my son, “Now, Leave me alone.” As always, “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.” Next year, he’s getting underwear.

Or even local ones

My older son, wants a fluffy pet. Now in my house, we have a cat, dog, rabbit, and fish. You may not know about the fish, because they cause the least trouble. I really don’t want to get another animal. My home menagerie is large enough. I asked him why he needed one. He told me the shelter animals were suffering, and felt an obligation to rescue one. I felt an obligation to say no.

Look, whatever he got, would likely cause me to bleed more, like a cat, or con me out of stuff like the dog, or just be a regular pain in the butt like the… Well, all of them. No more animals. So, in essence, he wants only one thing and I can’t deliver it. I hate that. I can’t rescue every animal. I can’t save the desert wasps. I can’t donate to every charity. I can’t do anything for my sons. My daughter’s no better. She want’s peace on earth. I can’t get that either.

I’m nostalgic for the old corruption

What ever happened to wanting cars, TVs, and expensive video games. I can’t get those things for Christmas either, but at least I understand them. I always wanted expensive electronics. So much so, that several family members would pool money together and I’d get only one big gift. But it was great. I got what I wanted.

I even offered to buy a huge flat-screen TV as a family gift. That way everyone would enjoy it. Everyone rejected it. My sons did because they don’t spend enough time at home any more, and my daughter because she felt I was trying to buy her affection with material things. I told her that’s exactly what I was doing, and she shunned me. I’ve been shunned by my daughter before so it’s really no big deal, but all this isn’t putting anything under my tree.

I just can’t win

Every year I take a picture of the gifts under the tree, and send it out as an email greeting. But now, there’s nothing there. I could send a message stating, I tried to save some wasps, but not cats dogs or anything else. My sister’s allergic to wasps. She’d probably kick me for doing that. I just can’t win.

Thankfully, my world still contains chocolate. So far everybody still likes that. Of course, it can’t contain milk, and must’ve been grown in sustainable farms, along with… On second thought. I’ll just give ‘em cash.

Or maybe I can

At least I can still have a traditional lunch.

Merry Christmas to All