Golden nuggets of wisdom

Lately, I’ve been thinking about food and how glorious chicken nuggets are. If you don’t understand the wonder of these glorious golden beauties, let me explain. Supposedly they’re made of ‘all-white-meat’ chicken. Maybe, maybe not. Let’s just accept this as truth, and move on. They’re probably some form of meat, so it works out.

The meat is dipped in a heavy batter and deep-fried. They are then quick frozen, sent to a seller’s location, and deep-fried again. Twice immersed in boiling oil to make sure you get all of the fat, and none of the health benefits of this food. But they taste great and they’re easy and quick to make!

Patience my son

You’re probably saying, “That’s not good for you, Mr. Ohh!. Salad, with spinach and kale is what you should eat instead.” I don’t have time to grow kale, and it tastes terrible. Yes, food should be good for you, but sometimes you need it delicious, and now.

The conclusion in all this seems to be: The better something is for you, the longer it takes, and the worse it tastes. I don’t about yours, but in my life, it’s been proven. It actually happened a few years ago, and I’ve finally had enough therapy to tell you about it.

To tea or not to tea

A while back my brother asked me over for a cup of tea. Now, I like tea so I agreed. This was a mistake. I should’ve known something was wrong, because my brother is strange. Oh sure, I’m an idiot, but he’s way out there, new age strange. Maybe strange isn’t the word. It’s like he’s channeling thirty different kinds of monks, all at the same time. I mean, sometimes he’s taking a vow of silence, while making Belgian beer, during his meditations, about studying methods of karate. It gets a bit confusing at times.

When I got to his house all the furniture from his kitchen was missing and there were mats on the floor. I was informed, we were to have a Japanese Tea Ceramony. This is an ancient thing and very Zen. I’m game so I agreed. I was then very un-Japanese-ceremoniously thrown out of the house. Apparently, I had to be purified, before I could come in.

Are you Pure enough?

After about ten minutes, my brother showed up with a bucket of water and a brand-new pair of socks. First, I had to wash in the bucket, and then I had to remove my shoes and socks, which had holes, how embarrassing, and put on the new socks. Now I was standing in the yard in new socks. Well, they weren’t clean any more, but I didn’t mention that.

I was formally invited into the kitchen and asked to sit on the mat. I was given a cookie, but I wasn’t allowed to eat the cookie. Apparently, there is a time and place for eating cookies. Who knew?

He then filled the kettle with water and we thought about it. He boiled the water, and we pondered the heat. He poured the hot water into the teapot, and we meditated on how the hot water was becoming tea. Well, that’s what I was supposed to be doing. I actually thought about leaving, pondered over what excuse I’d give him, and meditated over which Starbucks drink I’d pick up on the way home.

Are you smarter than the Dog?

The amazing thing was, that stinking cookie. It was like a trick I make Wonder-Dog do. I tell him to sit and stay. Next, I put a treat in front of him. Then I wait. It’s a test of patience. Of course I say, “go” and he gets the treat. My brother was doing the same thing to me. If he hadn’t put that blasted cookie in front of me, I’d have been out of there. I was swindled into Zen meditation by a dog treat!

To make a long story short… Actually, no. To prevent a long story from becoming an even longer one; We eventually meditated for an hour, had a cup of tea, and ate two cookies, at the proper time of course. The cookies were quite dry, and frankly, not worth the wait.

The new way to be aincient

Admittedly, I may not have gotten everything out of this experience I should have. It is an ancient ceremony, rooted in old beliefs. Perhaps it should be updated for the modern age. Perhaps not, but I’m not one to stand in the way of foolish progress. I therefore present to you all; The New Zen Mr. Ohh!’s Breakfast Sandwich Ceremony. In a thousand years, you’ll thank me for this.

First, one must properly enter the space. As this is a morning ritual, being fully awake is frowned upon. The entrance should be sanctified with the obnoxious stepping on something sharp. This enlightened state can also be achieved by kicking the baseboard or a piece of furniture. Anything to cause a sudden rush of unexpected pain. The resultant scream alerts the gods of the start of the ritual, and without which they would not be laughing hysterically.

Next the proper egg pan must be selected. By ancient custom, this must be the one located furthest back, and at the bottom of a pile of pans. Thus, when the pan is selected a cacophony of falling pans, reverberating throughout the house is melodiously heard. It’s kind of like the meditative sound of wind chimes, but not much. Now, anyone in the neighborhood not awoken by the scream, may now enjoy your journey as well.

The observance of selecting ingredients is very important. You go to the refrigerator, and see bacon. However, with your foot throbbing, and ears bleeding, you cringe at how long bacon takes to prepare. You decide on ham. You remember you don’t have any ham. You look longingly at the bacon, remembering how messy the microwave was the last time you tried making it that way. But it tastes so good you think. You become frustrated, grab an egg, and decide you don’t want meat this time. Yes, this ceremony teaches acceptance as well as patience.

You move to the stove, and heat the pan. Just as the temperature is perfect for the egg you move to crack it. In that split second the cat appears, to rub your ankles. In surprise you drop the egg on the floor, where the dog laps it up.

Meditation ensues. Is the cat an evil spirit for making you drop the egg? Is the dog a spirit for good as he cleaned it up? Is the dog evil, and imprisoned the cat to do his bidding, so to get the egg? Did the cat sense salmonella in the egg, and work, paw-in-paw, with the dog to keep you safe? Perhaps the earlier noise just annoyed both of them, and they performed this little prank because they’re pissed at you. The meditation lasts until the oil burns, and the smoke-detector goes off.

    The next part is very important. You figure it’s time to ‘Throw In The Tao’ so to speak, drive to your favorite breakfast place, and just buy the sandwich and coffee.

 You sit in your car, eating and relaxing, knowing the cash was well spent. Very Zen!