They’re Baaaaaaack

Two weeks ago, my son came home from college. At least, I think he did. Not because I’ve actually seen him, but more for the scientific evidence he leaves behind. For instance, I went out for donuts on Sunday. I always get two jelly-filled, for a mid-morning snack. This week the jellies mysteriously vanished. He and I are the only ones who like them, so I hypothesize he must be around someplace.

Also, my car has disappeared. Most folks would call the cops to report it stolen. Me, I just wait a little while. If it comes back, and goes away again, it’s probably him. Of course, it could be haunted. I never want to exclude the supernatural in my conclusions. But, when the supernatural, coincides with a sudden up-tick in laundry… Well, let’s just say the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.

So, as he must be here some place. Last week I made it my job to actually find him, and see how he was. Well, he was. Or is, as the case may be. He is now six inches taller than me with a beard and blue hair. None of these things actually bother me, except for the fact that it feels he’s trying to disguise himself, so I don’t recognize him. Was I that bad of a father? Or, has he just been placed into the witness protection program? These questions have to be asked.

He just doesn’t want me to know it

Of course they can’t be asked. What I’m supposed to say is, “Hey, you look great.” This just ticks him off. It’s almost as if he wants to annoy me by his looks, and when I don’t respond, he gets mad. So, either he’s annoyed or I am. Well, I pick him.

Because of all this and more, I have come to the conclusion that colleges are not what you think they are. Sure, you might learn how to date fossils. Assuming those fossils, aren’t home bodies and like to sit around the house, instead of going out for a date. But, I’m more inclined to believe universities are there explicitly to teach the next generation how to irritate their parents. The thing is, they really don’t need this. My son was perfectly capable of infuriating me, before he left for school. Although, I do admit he has gotten a lot better.

Impossible to communicate with

For one thing, he has always loved a good greasy cheeseburger, with all the fixings. Once I discovered he was actually at home, I offered to make him one for dinner. He agreed, and went to the store for the stuff. He came home with something called, Impossible Burgers. Apparently, these are made of soy meal, but they look, taste, and grill just like hamburgers, for only five times the price. When I saw them, my jaw hit the floor. I told him I knew of something which was very similar, but less money; Hamburger!!

 He said these would make me feel better about myself. I want you all to know, I honestly tried. I put one on the grill. It fell apart, and burned almost before it was defrosted. He mentioned, I should expect a difference in cooking temps. However, it said on the box, “Cooks Just Like A Hamburger, although your experience may vary.”

Then I tasted it. I don’t know who they asked, but it tasted like no hamburger I ever had. Maybe after you slathered it in ketchup, mustard, six other dressings, pickles, relish, and a whole lot of praying, you might get close. Otherwise, no! Again, my experience varied away from theirs. Look, I’m not judging anyone. If you don’t want to eat beef, don’t. But also, don’t taunt yourself by trying to make plants taste like beef. It’s just bad all around.

Can we discuss??

After dinner, we sat around and had a family discussion. This should have been fun, a time to catch up, and find out what was going on with each other. Again, I was left in a lurch. My intelligent, college-attending son suggested the topic of; Is water wet? What? I got a better question; Who cares?

He put forth, since the definition of Wet is, covered in water, then the water itself is not wet. My older son, along with my wife, countered that every molecule of water is surrounded by other molecules of water. Therefore, water is wet due to the fact that it bonds to itself. My three children, two of their significant others, and my one wife, debated this for the next hour and a half. I chose to pick up the cat, and be scratched bloody several times. It was the less painful option.

That class has no class

Then there’s the attitude he came home with, that baffles the snot out of me. That being said, I would really love to audit his Righteous Indignation 101 class. This would have to be a whole bunch of fun, and interesting as heck. I mean, not only do they get into the nitty gritty of the subject, but he learned to object to things, even when they don’t exist. That’s a real skill. Not worth anything, but a real skill.

A textbook example happened the other day. I went to the family and asked what they wanted on their pizza. My wife, older son, and daughter all answered quickly and concisely. My college son insisted there be no pineapple. Now, pineapple was never suggested by anyone. So, I agreed immediately, without argument. This was the incorrect response.

I’m not sure what he wanted. Perhaps, he was looking for someone to share in his fury. Who knows? What I do know is that he went into a tirade, decrying the very existence of pineapple on pizza. He insisted it should be outlawed. Nay, not just outlawed, pineapple on pizza should be made a capital crime. This started an entirely new series of arguments, as to whether capital punishment should exist for other crimes or just destroying the dignity of a once glorious pizza with pineapple. Frankly I’ve had pineapple on pizza. I can take it or leave it.

I’m waiting

Either way I stood there for twenty minutes, with pen and paper in hand, waiting for him to finish. I really wanted learn what he actually wanted. After he calmed, I asked again. He announced, “I don’t care. I’m going out with friends. I won’t be here for dinner.”

Now he tells me. Couldn’t he have mentioned that earlier? Heck, the pizza could have been delivered in the time he was screaming about it. This kind of outrage does not come naturally. He had to have taken a class. Truly, with a performance like that one, he may even have taken private lessons.

No they’re not cute!!

Lastly, there’s the plush animals. Yes, I believe everyone should have a Teddy-Bear of some sort as a kid. I also see that a cute plush makes an attractive decoration. Well, his school’s mascot is some kind of wasp. He brought home three-hundred-thirty-seven wasp plushies in various poses.

Then he announces he’s changing schools next year, and he can’t take them with him when he leaves in the fall. What the heck am I gonna do with them.

Hey eBay, Here I come!