Welcome Home

Recently, my son in college came home for a weekend. He said it was because he missed his family, but I have my doubts. These stem from the fact that when he got home, he went straight to pick up the cat. I considered this a bit odd. Did he miss bleeding that much? The thing is, Cap’n Blood just snuggled up to him and started purring. What? That silly animal never paid a bit of attention to my son. Suddenly, they were best friends.

Two hours later, he lowered himself to speak to me. The first thing he said was, his car needed an oil-change, and he needed two-hundred-bucks for a textbook. Isn’t family wonderful?

I told him if we were going to get the car done, we’d have to do it right away. He said he couldn’t because the cat was on his lap, and he was still saying hello. A two-hour hello? I realize he’s taking language classes. But isn’t this a bit excessive?

All I really wanted was the cat

I informed him, the cat was portable. I tried to prove my point by attempting to remove the cat from his lap. However, she didn’t want to be removed. Consequently, we all agreed the car could wait. At least as long as it took for me to stop the bleeding.

As for his mother, all he asked of her was to make her special pasta dish. She was elated. She joyously grabbed the ingredients, and started cooking. Her prodigal was home and she was willing to serve.

For his part, he also gave her a trinket bearing the college logo, a whole bunch of hugs, a token gift card to her favorite restraint, and dirty laundry. Ain’t love grand. This is my life folks. My son showers my wife with gifts, while simultaneously bleeding me dry of both money and… Well blood. After dinner, however, the visit got interesting.

Stimulating conversation

My son started telling us about his classes. He regaled us with tales of the amazing creatures he was studying in biology. He urged us to think, with discussions on philosophy. He probed our psyches with what he learned in psychology. It was fascinating. I almost stayed awake for most of it.

Then he mentioned history. I perked up. Finally, a topic which I could relate to, and perhaps make sensible contributions to the conversation. The class was about the ancient empires of Egypt, Greece, and Rome, and how they interacted. What? I thought he meant history? You know like the industrial revolution, world wars, and last month when we went to that ghost-town out west.

It was an education. In fact, that conversation was so interesting I thought I’d share some share some of it with you. You know, in case you’ve been thinking I didn’t know everything. Which I learned after speaking with my son, I Don’t!

It’s all Greek to me

For instance, did you know the Ancient Greeks were the fathers of modern thought? Apparently, there weren’t any stupid people before those guys. As I understand it everyone was walking around spewing intelligent words. Then some guy named Pa-Latapus forgot to take the garbage out before he went to the bar with his mates. In that one instance absent-mindedness was born.

This created the immediate need for another kind of modern thought. I just bet when he got home his wife, Gonna Kill-yous, was standing at the door very angry. In that next instance, the lame excuse was created. How she reacted is not known. However, it is possible she believed his lies thus starting the modern world’s rise to gullibility.

Then he told me of the supposed smartest guy in the world, So Crates. He worked in a warehouse and his middle name was Many. So Many Crates is a great warehouse worker’s name. Don’t you think?

Anyway, So Crates invented debating. This is the art of being asked about a hundred things, then talking for an hour, and never answering a single question. Some of you may doubt my definition. However, if you’ve ever seen a political debate, you’ll soon see that I’m right.

Egypt us out of our cash

Next, my son told me of the ancient Egyptians. Although they were never portrayed as such, they must have been socialists. Think about it. The miner’s union dug gold and jewels out of the ground. The artists guild used the stuff, and created wonderful things. Immediately after, the funeral people shoved it all back into the ground with a dead body. The circle is complete and everybody works. Face it, this is a lot like the programs that got us out of the great depression.

I also sense the beginnings of generational labor showing up in ancient Egypt. Consider the great pyramids. These are the tombs of three pharaohs. The great pyramid of Khufu is the biggest and took twenty years to construct. The second of Khafre is quite a bit smaller, but still took twenty years. The third for Menkaure is the smallest. Yet it still took twenty years to construct.

Just like today, the older folks work hard and fast, and the younger folks take a bit longer. The big one was built by baby boomers and the smaller ones by millennials. It just makes sense.

Don’t go Roman too far

The most confusing empire was the Romans. First it was ruled by some guy named Julie. Of course, he was gonna get bullied with a name like that. The thing I don’t understand is why he didn’t eat his spinach. Everyone who’s seen a Popeye cartoon knows if you’re going up against a guy named Brutus, you eat spinach. It doesn’t take long. But suddenly your fist grows to ten times its size and when you hit Brutus, he’ll fly around the earth a few times.

I mean, we know the Romans likes greens. Why else would everyone walk around shouting, “Hail Ceaser salad.” But I digress.

Another way we know Julie was bullied was that he hated manly names. He was so upset that he went to war to conquer all the Franks. Look it up. It’s one of the first things he did to become king. I do admit there is very little information on how he felt about Williams, Nicks, and Irvings. But this is beside the point.

My son also told me that the Romans were defeated by women. Probably by their very own, not so loving, wives. I’m sure it must have been that Claudius Agustus yelled, “Hey Hun, get me another beer,” one too many times. This kind of thing had been going on for like five-hundred years. So, most likely, Claudius’s wife, got pissed-off, and organized the other “Huns” to stop being so subservient as well.

When the guys became upset about running to the fridge for themselves, they most likely stopped paying for their wives Yoga, and Zumba memberships. If they were anything like my sister, when she can’t do Yoga, she gets upset. I’m sure without those calming exercises the ladies went nuts. Frankly, those guy’s “Huns” attacked and killed everyone, is no surprise to me.

In conclusion

So, there you have it. Three empires explained in one post. I should call this a college textbook and charge you all two-hundred bucks.