Holiday parties

How can any discussion of the holiday fail to mention the holiday get togethers? Actually, very easily. I’ve been discussing the season for seven years and never mentioned them. The reason for this is simple; They baffle the schnarts out of me.

I don’t know what it’s like for you, but for me these functions make little or no sense. Where I work, the company pays a ton of cash, at an exclusive steak house, for us to all dress in our finest clothes to see the people we see every day. I understand the sentiment. However, they could have paid thirty bucks for pizza at lunchtime, and all the same people would be there. I’m not much of an economist, but that looks like a cost savings to me.

Work parties

 There are only two real differences, when we go to the fancy restaurant, that I can see. First is the clients also get invited to the big shindig. I guess that’s okay. Except for the fact that we don’t want to see the clients on our time off. If I wanted to, it could happen at any time of the year. Our business is contract. We change clients all the time. Frankly, most clients don’t get invited because we haven’t seen them in six months. Consequently, if you set up a contract in November you get invited to a party. If not, sorry.

At the function it all becomes so sad. We might be inviting competitors. They don’t want to hang out with each other. We don’t want to hang out with them. Yet here we are, all in the same room, wearing our best clothes and talking to no one but our plus-ones. Some fun. It’s no wonder drinking is involved.

Party games

Of course, we also play silly games. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of silly games. But how many ways can you play ‘Get To Know Each Other’ before you know them? I already know my coworkers. There’s only seven of us and I see them every day. This year we played some kind of ‘Bingo’ thing. We all had cards with stuff written in squares like; Has climbed a mountain, Met a celebrity, Kissed a rock, and Got stuck somewhere and had to be rescued by my cat. We had to find the person who might have done this.

I don’t care if your dog won a beauty contest. Frankly some of the things I’ve done I’d never admit to anyway. I do care about getting the contest over with, so we all ran around asking others a bunch of stupid questions. I wrote the name down and promptly forgot it. I did learn that I was the only person in the room who could solve a Rubik’s cube. When you entertain children, the oddest abilities come in handy.

I was a celebrity. No one could get that square without talking to me. Contrarywise, I lost the game. I couldn’t ever get that square. You’d be surprised how many people dance the hula naked while getting ready for bed and can’t do the cube. But this is beside the point. I lost because I’m talented and no one else is. How is this fair?

Past parties

Of course, this wasn’t the biggest loss I ever had at a party. I lost my fiancé once. I did make out better in the end, but at that moment I was crushed. Please don’t start playing sappy music, feeling horrible for my shattered sense of self, or send me a stuffed animal to cuddle for support. You can send cash if you feel you need to heal my broken heart. Just saying.

Cue the fog-machine, and strange lighting effects, I’m about to go into a flashback. That’s the thing about writing. All the great flashback effects are visual. I guess I could try a couple of Wooooo Wooooooooo’s But frankly it’s just not as good.

In my life I’ve learned there are two types of family Christmas parties; Informal with beer, bad jokes and ugly sweaters, or sophisticated ones with wine, dresses, ties and talk of business. I bet you can’t guess which one I prefer. You’d most likely be wrong. I like the second type because I have more fun being annoying to those stuffy folks. But I digress.

Family parties

Now, every Christmas eve my extended family has a blowout. We laugh, tell bad jokes, and drink lots of beer. There’s a clue in case you’re wondering which kind of party we have. Because of the younger kids and the holiday after, it usually breaks up around nine pm. Even so, I never miss it.

Well, many years back, I was engaged to be married to a nice young girl. Those are my mother’s words. Frankly, when you’re a young man of a certain age, ‘Nice’ isn’t the quality you’re looking for in the girl you’re dating. But I digress again. Man, it’s hard to keep on track with this storytelling stuff.

Anyway, her family also had their holiday party on Christmas eve. Theirs started at nine. At first, I wanted us to go to both parties. Sadly, she couldn’t come to mine because she had to help prepare for hers. I mentioned if she wasn’t there to drive me from my party, I’d never make it to hers safely. She was angered and accused me of not wanting to meet her extended family. We discussed it at length, and decided on her opinion. Don’t laugh at me. I was engaged. Yep, I was already suckered in.

I went to my party and even drank less beer. That was her idea as well. Don’t judge. I got to her family’s place at about nine-thirty very happy and loving their holiday lighting display. It was beautiful and frankly I should’ve stayed outside looking at it. But I foolishly knocked on the door.

Embarrassing parites

She answered, wearing a long shimmering gown of gold lame’. I was wearing an ugly sweater and a Santa hat. I entered the living room and all the guests were seated in wingback chairs. All were dressed to the nines and had a wine glass in their hands. Wine bottles were scattered around the room for easy access. Can you guess what kind of party this was? Sure, I knew you could.

The moment was embarrassing. I’m not embarrassed easily, so I went into defense mode. I’m not a snail, cowering in a shell. I’m a peacock. When I feel threatened, I get bigger and brighter, and that’s what I did. I sang along to the background music and even asked some of the ladies to dance. I drank my beer right from the bottle. Just to keep things interesting I even put a lampshade on my head.

The guys loved it and some even joined in. The ladies not so much. Eventually her dad tried to stop the frivolity, as parties were no place such things. His words not mine. I was having fun. I loved being the center of attention. I walked up to her father and ceremoniously placed the lampshade on his head. The room laughed uproariously.

I never saw that girl again. Her Loss!

Christmas Parties

Well, a very Merry Christmas to you all

However, you celebrate it!!