Dear friends, I was wondering… No, that’s a bit too formal.

How about; Listen up minions I have a command… Nah, this greeting might be offensive to some folks.

Let’s try; Howdy folks, I has me a question… Nope, the cowboy thing went out in the nineties.

Wow, those writing teachers are correct. The first line is the toughest. All I really want to say is I have a question. Not a tough question. But I feel it needs answering. Depending on the answer, I’ll need to apologize as well. I just need to know.

Here’s a scenario that quite often happens to me: Imagine you’re in your market’s freezer aisle. Then imagine a short heavyset woman about three hundred years old pushing a shopping cart. In fact, imagine an army of these women following me around wherever I go. Next, imagine me wanting a single frozen item. It could be ice-cream, pizza, a frozen dinner, or even unicorn meat. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is the fact, I want one single item, from the freezer, and that lady is blocking it so thoroughly, no one else can get near it.

I wait patiently as the woman looks over every item in the case. Did I say look over? Ohh no! She must inspect every item, scanning the box for several minutes. And I mean every single item. She picks up the first box of waffles, looks it over, puts it back, then grabs the next one, and so on into infinity. They’re all the same. I don’t know what she’s looking for. Perhaps she thinks there’s a gold nugget, treasure map, or a dragon egg in one? She must read every label to ensure there’s no poisonous octopus listed in the ingredients.

This takes forever. Sometimes I wait a few hours for her to move. Sometimes I go through the market, returning after doing the rest of my shopping. If I do that, there is a different old woman taking her turn at disrupting all the traffic in the store. At times there might be five, or six, or a hundred people waiting to get their ice-cream bars. But the lady never moves.

So, here’s the question; Does this happen to everyone, or is the universe plotting against me personally? Ohh, I’m fully aware the universe plots against me. The thing is when this particular thing happens, others are inconvenienced as well as me. Not only is the universe against me. It’s causing others to hate me as well. The second I move the lady moves. Considering all the times this has happened to us; someone must have figured out by now that I’m the cause.

If you’re one of the millions who’ve been inconvenienced by my bad luck, please accept my humble apology. I really don’t mean to be a bother. It’s just that apparently, I’m the center of the universe, and the rest of the universe hates me.

Thing is the universe seems to love ruining other folk’s lives, on account of me. Its plots are strange and obscure, making others the scapegoats, for its vile hatred of me. I don’t understand this. I’ve always treated the universe with respect. Admittedly, I like to spread a little chaos now and again. But doesn’t everybody? Is my chaos all that bad? The universe was born from chaos. Does it hate its upbringing like some spoiled teenager?

Interesting question. At what stage of life is the universe? Scientists don’t know how long it will live. Therefore, they can’t judge its current stage of life. What if all the stars and planets, the astronomers are looking at, are really zits on the face of the universe? Could be, other universes make fun of it on line, in hateful social-media posts. Our universe might be ugly, awkward, and socially insecure. You just don’t know. What I also don’t know is; How does all of this apply to me? I’m just spreading a little chaos, for crying out loud. Look, I’m sorry already!

  The people I really need to apologize to are the folks who are directly in front of me in line. Here’s where the universe gets really creative. Sure, we’ve all experienced someone delaying the line for some reason. But when I’m in the line it’s always the person in front of the person in front of me causing the problems. It could be anything: fumbling for coupons, writing a check, debit card declined, the cash register taking a dump, or wanting to purchase platypus meat before 1pm on a Sunday.

It doesn’t matter. The person in front of me is trapped. They can’t move forward, because of the idiot. And they can’t move back because I’m behind them. That poor person has to get frustrated, and have a lousy day just because of my feud with the universe. What if they do something drastic because of it? What if they eat a gallon if ice-cream, kick the dog, or stop believing in unicorns all because of the fool in front of them? Thing is, it’s not that guys fault. It’s the fool behind them that’s to blame.

Well, I’m sick of it. I’m calling the universe out. I understand it hates me for the chaos I spread. But does everyone else have to suffer as well? Nay, I say!

I’ve decided to learn as much about the universe as I could in order to fight back. I called up Stephen Hawking, and guess what? He wouldn’t talk to me. He joined up with the universe. I didn’t let that stop me. I contacted a spiritual medium so as to contact him.

Alas, it was not to be. Apparently, our underaged universe doesn’t have enough electronic know-how to create a psychic operated electronic voice for him. Who would have thought we lowly peons here on earth are more technically advanced than the universe? Not me that’s for sure.

Well as they say, “Shoppers beware.” If you’re anywhere around me in a store, you’re going to have trouble. I thought about shopping online, but I don’t want to be indirectly responsible for destroying internet commerce as we know it. I’m sure the universe would do this just to spite me.

I did try one of those shopping services. They take your order, do your shopping, then bring the stuff directly to your door. I waited over two hours. Then I learned the driver’s car broke down. By the time the order arrived the ice-cream had melted all over the frozen pizza creating a new taste sensation. Not a good one mind you.  Semi- liquified chocolate and pepperoni mush crust pizza is an acquired taste. Maybe I should have drank it instead of baking it. One never knows.

On the other hand, perhaps I should embrace the mayhem I generate. If the universe wants to try and break my spirit. Let it. I never liked its gravity warping abilities anyway. If the pimply-faced, snot nosed, spoiled teenager universe wants to create havoc. Let it. Mr. Ohh! shall stand tall, creating chaos whether it likes it or not.

But to you, I say…

Beware I may be nearby!!!