I have decided I’m going into business. Even now I am wooing venture capitalists, writing business plans, and coming up with innovative ways to avoid paying taxes. (Thanks Mr. President) Don’t panic future investors, I already have my product. I wanted to say this up front in case you think I’m like that woman and her medical testing machine. No, I have an actual marketable product. My only issue is that it will take some effort to develop due to its limited quantities. I am going to sell dirt.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Mr. Ohh!, how can you sell dirt?” Then again, you actually could be asking yourself any number of things. Now, I could address all of those questions, but my point here is about selling dirt. Therefore, I’m only going to deal with the one question I mentioned. Give me a sec to look and find out what it was. Oh yes, dirt selling.

First let me remind you, people have been selling dirt for a long time. Just look at the front of every garden or do-it-yourself store. There are bags of dirt everywhere. And remember, dirt is not just dirt. There are several grades of dirt: Potting soil, Top Soil, Fill dirt, Dirt with a fertilizer added, and Peat. How Pete got a kind of dirt named for him I’ll never figure out, but there you have it. At least they could have spelled Pete’s name right on the bag. What an insult, but I digress. Of course, my dirt will be far superior to all those. It will be produced in small batches for a niche market. Wow, I’m already talking like a business man.

The thing is, I have made an incredible dirt discovery and want to cash in before every one jumps in the market first. I just had a thought. Perhaps some of you would like to get into this high profit game as well. All right, read on to see what I have in mind.

I am going to sell the most prolific dirt in the world. If you want something to grow this is the dirt for you. The great thing is I already own the exclusive rights to the entire supply. You see this dirt comes from the cracks between the stones in my patio. The great thing is if I remove all the dirt from the cracks and replace it with sand, (nothing grows in sand), the sand magically changes into dirt and starts growing weeds like mad.

So, do you want to invest yet? Please send blank checks to me as soon as you can. I’ll wait. La la la. What is this? Nothing has arrived. Can you really afford to pass up this lifetime opportunity? Do you want more information? Are you making a peanut butter sandwich and want to clean up the crumbs before you respond? What?

I get it, you want to invest but your frugal side wants to see the scientific proof. Oh, ye of little faith. Okay, I’ll tell the scientific stuff.  Let’s start at the beginning. Quite simply, my patio is magical. Several years back I had professional put in a stone patio. They dug the area out, lined it with plastic, filled it with something that looked just like gravel and sand but cost a lot more, added super mega ultra-kill weed poison, and then laid the stones. Next, they assured me, nothing was going grow in that area. That promise lasted exactly one season.

The following spring, grass appeared. I pulled it out, but to my dismay it grew back. Then another appeared, then another and still another. The unwanted plants come faster than I could yank them out. I brought in the big guns: spot weed killer for cracks in sidewalks, patios, and bald heads. I doused the area. Those weeds weren’t ever coming back. At least not for three weeks.

Undaunted by this setback, I proceeded to the garden store and told the lawn-gods of my problem. They discussed the issue, burned Bluegrass seed incense, and sacrificed a tulip bulb for guidance. It really was quite an amazing ritual. Well, the parts I was allowed to see were. Anyway, they sold me a liquid which didn’t only kill the weeds, it destroyed all life in the soil. Unwanted grass will never return. It will be dead, hear me my minions, I said DEAD. (sound of a lightning strike) BWA-Ha-ha haa! Sorry, I was gone. I’m back now.

The stuff worked all the way till the following June. I sat despondent in my lawn chair. Just then the old hermit who lives three doors down stopped by for a Coke. He’s like 900 years old and knows everything. He told me the in the old days they didn’t have fancy chemicals yet. (Perhaps the dinosaurs hadn’t died out yet to create them.) He said they poured gasoline on unwanted plants to kill them. I know it’s not really safe, but I was desperate so I did it. It didn’t kill the weeds forever. What it did do was bring the fire department to my house and enable me to pay a fine to the city. Oh, joy! Always wanted to do that. Then I realized it. I was in the possession of (Drum Roll) UBER DIRT. You can grow anything. Sun, shade, or universal destruction, your plants will always come back.

I still didn’t understand the economic applications of all this as yet. Face it, I still wanted to get rid of the weeds. I scraped all the dirt out of the cracks and refilled them with fine sand. That was okay for a week or so. But as you already know, a weed soon raised its ugly head. I pulled it and to my surprise, in its roots was dirt not sand. My patio god converted the fine sand to Uber Dirt. Magic, chemistry, act of God, who knows how it happened? But I knew what to do. Ta da, a new business was born.

Well, now you know the backstory. You will be seeing Uber Dirt in your local store soon. Trust me. So why not get in on the ground floor. Start transferring money to me right away. C’mon, it’s probably not the dumbest investment you’ve ever made.

If you have comments, want to discuss strategies of video games from the 1950’s, or have me take a sideways view at your favorite topic. Send me an E-Mail at ohhssidewaysview@gmail.com I’d love to hear from you!