I would like to take a moment of silence for the forgotten holiday in the United States. I’d like to, but I forgot about it. Not really but it sounded good. The forgotten holiday is Thanksgiving. I’m not sure why the great Abraham Lincoln established a national holiday dedicated to overeating and football, but there it is. Actually, Thanksgiving is not so much forgotten as it is overwhelmed. Halloween has all the great parties and costumes. Then right after those, the volcanoes of retail erupt and shower us with half-off sales. Rampant consumerism takes over and we all have a great fourth quarter.
The best thing about all of this is the switch. I don’t know where the switch is, but thank heaven somebody knows. At the proper time, it’s the mystery person’s job to flip it. And a what an important job it is too. I mean how would Michael Bublé, Mariah Carey, and so many others survive if that switch was never flipped, and their songs weren’t suddenly all over the radio. I mean Dean Martian’s heirs alone must account for a quarter of the ASCAP royalties generated in December.
Then again, would we be aware of, and therefore be donating so much to support, physical deformities if we didn’t hear about poor Rudolph’s nose every twenty minutes. I don’t think so. These charities need that switch as much as you need bells on a sleigh ride. Also, it must be bells. For some reason, only explained deep within the cosmos, you cannot have a horn or other noisemaker on a sleigh. Isn’t it grand that we can know all of this stuff because someone knows the right time to flip the switch?
With all this importance, there are still those who wish the switch would be cast away from our culture. Those ignorant fools believe fir trees, holly boughs, poinsettia, and ivy should remain in the ground, uncut, as mother nature planned it. Poor deluded souls. Don’t they realize how many people would be out of work if we just let pine trees grow every holiday season, and didn’t cut and sell them? It’s not like we’re going to decorate the house with bands of sausages or anything like that. Even pre-cooked it wouldn’t last the whole season. Although, they would taste pretty darn good with all those cranberries floating around. Hmmm? Naw, then we would have to get into changing the song and all that. I mean who would sing, “Deck the halls with boughs of sausage, Fa la la la la La la La La. Tis the season to eat roughage…?” It just doesn’t work.
Also, I wonder if those crazy folks are aware of this, but the poinsettia is a Mexican weed, and it’s legal. Considering all the trouble, and confusion, the world has been having with that other Mexican weed, which may be legal or not depending where you are, we should be proud to support our southern neighbors with something they really got right! Besides the food. I do so love Tamales.
After thinking a bit more, it might not be just one switch. It’s likely a large control room with several dials, buttons, switches and lights. Sure, there is the big flip after Thanksgiving, but before then the more subtle changes set in. In September the craft places ease the gift stuff on the shelves so they can be made on time. Then a bit later a dial is turned and fake trees and decorations start showing up at all your favorite stores. Next a hard shut-down happens to ensure all the pumpkins and candy get sold for Halloween. November First everything gets re-tweaked with a power boost as everyone blabs about Black Friday. Suddenly the all-stop button is pressed and held just long enough for people to cook a turkey, overeat. and fall asleep. Lastly, everything is maxed out and bam the season is upon us. That’s a complicated process. It’s got be a room full of people coordinating actions, with complete management oversight. I wonder what corporation is responsible for this and how you get one of those jobs. Also, do they pay enough when you’re going to be unemployed for the rest of the year? These are the kinds of questions that bother me.
Another thing that bugs me is how are all the entertainers of the world notified all at once. Does the big room also send a mass text? I know a lot of entertainers and most have very specific shows, but suddenly on or about November Fifteenth all their shows conform to a seasonal mix. A lady I know in Costa Rica suddenly starts singing about sleigh rides, reindeer, and frosty snowmen. These things don’t exist in Costa Rica, and I’m quite sure they wouldn’t know what to do with them if one showed up. Also, I checked there isn’t a single holiday anything that refers to rainforests or venomous spiders. In fairness if they have to hear songs about snow this time of the year, we should be regaled with tales of Morty the Red-Nosed Poison Dart Frog. But I digress.
The strangest thing in all this are two of my good friends who are professional clowns. When the dials and switches start moving their whole mindset changes and they become Santa Claus. All the work from the last ten months is forgotten in an instant, and red suits abound. This is very frustrating to a select group of crazies who go around looking like Santa year-round.
Last week I read an article, written by one of these bearded wonders, explaining why the others turned Santa for the holidays are charlatans. They are disgracing the good name of Santa he wrote because the do not live the ideal all year round. Now I don’t to cast aspersions on his character randomly, but he lives in Florida. If you want to espouse the so-called Santa Ideal at least live someplace like Norway where it’s cold most of the time. Think about it, you go to Scandinavia and see a bearded man in a parka and you might think about reindeer and sleighs. In Miami Beach you see that same guy in shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, sipping a cold one, well let’s just say you’re not feeling the same thing.
Something else that comes to mind. As ideal as they might be, they don’t have the magic of Santa. Which is to say they can’t be every place at the same time. I understand the demand for Santa is huge this time of year. Probably another switch. I would think it would be like delivery drivers, you have to welcome the temporaries. Of course, there’s probably an Amazon driver someplace complaining about the same thing. I guess you can’t really ever win.
So once again Thanksgiving has once again has come and gone, and all those folks in the big control room are back on the unemployment line. The holiday season is upon us and in this uncertain year… Wait a minute! I just looked back though this post and realized something. This is a holiday post!
AHHHHHH! They’ve got a switch for me too!
Thank you for laughing
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