Does anyone out there in blog-land have a family member that bugs them? I actually have several. I don’t want to name names but, in this case, I have to. It’s my uncle Stan. I’m sure several questions come to your various minds, and that’s okay because even as brilliant as I am, this would confuse the heck out of me and I wrote it. Now there is a part of me that would like to just move on without explanation giving you all a cliffhanger to ponder on for a week. Cliffhangers are said to be a good thing in creative writing. See, Mrs. Fritch, I did pay attention in your class at least once. So there! Sorry I’m getting off the point.
The reason I have to mention Stan is that he paid me to. Oh, how low I have fallen as to have compromised my integrity for a few bucks. I was in such a moral dilemma that I was bedridden for a whole ten minutes. Then I realized that I had gotten something that many bloggers would kill for, a sponsor. My uncle Stan, and his wife Elaine own a restaurant In Kentucky called, oddly enough, Stan and Elaine’s. It’s an upscale Bar-b-que/ Fried Chicken place at the corner of Indiana and Ohio. A few miles west of Covington Kentucky you can’t miss it. If you get to Wyoming, you’ve gone too far. Hey he only paid me twenty-five bucks, and those are twenty-five buck directions.
I guess I should do a commercial, for them. The podcasts that I’ve listened to that have sponsors all have commercials. The problem is many of you don’t live anywhere near them and a lot of folks don’t even live in the same country as them. What am I supposed to say? “Stan and Elaine’s have the best food in the world. Too bad you’ll never get to try it.” No, That’s a bit negative. It should be; “Stan and Elaine’s has really great food, but it’s kind of expensive for what you get, so be happy you won’t ever go there.” Yea that’s what I want. I can’t wait until Uncle Stan see these slogans. I bet he’ll be so happy I’ll get another twenty-five bucks. Maybe even fifty if I stop writing slogans.
Of course, these slogans don’t work if you are close to their place. If you are, go ahead and try it. The food is really good. Also, since the pandemic, they’ve done a great job at setting up their To-Go business. They got a woman to create an app for them and she set up a mobile ordering menu that is so easy to use that a child can use it. No, it’s even easier than that. A sixty-year-old baby boomer who hates computers, and worked in production all his life can use it. Yep, it’s that easy!
They also conned my cousin Bruce in to doing delivery for them. As I understand it, they’re the only chicken place in their area that delivers, which has started to pose a problem. You see Bruce is the type of guy that just can’t say no to a buck. So, he’s given my uncle’s place the largest delivery area of any restaurant anyplace. Bruce figures if he can get there and back, he’ll make the delivery.
Before I go on, I have to ask if you ever look at the caller ID of your phone? Of course, it will tell you the name of who called but sometimes it’ll say something like “Unavailable” or “Anonymous” A business has to answer these calls because you never know if it’s a customer or not. That’s where the trouble comes in. Bruce once took a call and the ID said, “Saskatchewan” Bruce agreed to make the delivery. Apparently, he didn’t see a problem in driving one thousand-seven-hundred-sixty-three miles in the forty-minute delivery window. I mean he had one of those bags that keep the food warm and it was a slow night. It was all for the good.
When Stan heard about this, he refused to make the food and Bruce had a fit. He promised to make that delivery and come hell or high water he was going to do it. Especially when the customer called back an hour later wondering where is order was. This time Stan answered the phone and was about to let loose at the joker with both barrels until he realized the phone and caller were from Canada, the person using the phone was in a hotel about ten miles up the road. Oops!
Of course, now everyplace has a delivery option with those deliver apps on your phone. I, Mr. Ohh! am actually very impressed by these. You bring up the app, tell it where you are, it suggests places you can order from, you order and pay with a credit card, and somebody brings food to your door. No muss no fuss.
I guess that’s an interesting job to have. A taxicab for food. I’ve been in lots of cabs in my day and frankly I don’t know what to make of this. I mean some cabbies like to tell jokes to the customers. “Hey there Mr. hamburger. Did you hear the one where the chicken wing and slice of pizza walk into a bar??” I was in one cab where there was a certain smell wafting back from the front seat and the driver was playing Bob Marly music very loudly. In wonder if that changes the flavor of your pulled pork and fries? Or if it counts the same as adding CBD oil. Then there was one time I had to go across a bridge and the cabbie asked me to pay the toll. How do you ask a bag of buffalo wings to pay a toll? Does the driver just pass a few of them over to the ticket taker? What if you ordered a sandwich? Does it show up at your house with a bite out of it? It boggles the mind.
I’m only talking about one app here. I know of several of them, so there has to be some kind of competition. It can’t be just price. That wouldn’t work for very long, everyone would lower their prices until they were all the same. I think you’d have to go with the intangibles. Personally, I’m thinking of starting a limo service for food.
No more will your food be driven around in some un-vacuumed, un-washed beater car. I’ll have a fleet of temperature-controlled stretch limos equipped with webcams so you can keep an eye on your food while it’s being lovingly transported from the kitchen to you. I’ll even provide free bottles of spring water to any meal that requests it. Of course, if your food starts talking it may be under cooked. Sure, it’ll cost a lot more, but you and your discriminating tastebuds are worth it. “Give your lunch the luxury it deserves with Mr. Ohh!’s Delicious Deluxe Delivery”
I’m looking for investors. Remember there are people stupid enough to go for this.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On