Be All You Can Be… As Long As You Can Figure Out The Instructions

About the post

I’m a big fan of the Harry Potter book series by J.K. Rowling. Many of you will say this is great while some won’t care a whole lot. There will probably also be a third group of others who will yawn loudly and go back to bed saying, “Who the heck is Harry Buttocks?” These responses are perfectly fine. Frankly I wasn’t planning to talk about those books today anyway. Although, you must admit, it would be so cool to have a magic wand and send your enemies flying across the room with a flick of the wrist. Then again, they would probably want to do the same to you, and people would just be flying everywhere. It would be a real mess standing in line at the bank.

If you want to hear me read this Press Play If Not Read On

Getting concert tickets could be a real problem as well. Think about those people who’ve waited in line at the box office for primo tickets. They camp out overnight so they can be first, the instant those tickets go on sale. Imagine a few wands in that mix. Tempers are running high, when somebody tries to cut the line. A spell gets thrown, then another, then a few more. Then at eight in the morning, the lady opens up the window to a line of iguanas, tree frogs, and one guy in the back, who would’ve bought seats except every time he opens his mouth, it sounds like a toilet flushing.  Next everyone who buys a ticket immediately starts unstoppable clog dancing, and soon after Katy Perry is releasing Scandinavian Sea Shanties on Spotify. I guess it’s good those wizards keep to themselves. Although a Confundus Spell would explain the popularity Baby Shark a few years back. Now where was I? Ohh yes! My point.

Magic in literature

Whether, you love, like, believe, want to believe, use these books as cook books, or even know how to read, it doesn’t matter, because that’s not what I’m on about. The only reason I mentioned it is because in the third book there’s a creative plot device called the Marauders Map. For explanation, it’s a blank piece of parchment that has been bewitched to become a super-secret map of the castle when the correct magic words are said. I mention it, because I’m confused how two teen aged wizards, who are constantly looking for an angle, and just happen to be directly associated with the story’s hero, figured out that this particular piece of blank parchment was important and then came up with a twenty-year-old phrase to make it work.

I need some background on this!! The only information we’re given is they were in the disciplinarian’s office and one of them stole it. I hardly think that’s enough. If anyone out there in the blogosphere knows someone who knows someone who knows Ms. Rowling, I really want her to drop me a line, because this is totally unbelievable. Someone might have stolen the parchment, but the likelihood they knew the hero is slim and the possibilities of them figuring out the correct phrase… Well, let’s just say finding dinosaur dung on the gas planet Uranus is far more likely.

The thing is J.K., is not the first person to think this is okay. There’s a fable where a flower grows from a special drop of sunlight and if you sing a special song to it, it glows and rewards you with eternal youth. Good stuff, right? Wrong! Who teaches them the song? Think about it. A drop comes down from the sky. Even if someone saw it happen, it’s very unlikely they did anything about it. The flower is going to take a while to grow, let’s say a month. So, then someone happens by they see a flower. Now what’s the first thing you’ll think? Nice flower, right? You might even sniff it. The thing you’re not going to do is look at the thing and start singing to it. But that’s exactly what idiots in fairytales and wizard castles do.

My Life in Magic

The cool kids call this thinking outside the box, even when there’s no box, so it becomes just another saying I don’t understand but use anyway, because peer pressure is alive and well, and I live to sound hip with the cool kids. Either way, I’m bringing this up for a reason. I recently performed at a Magic Festival. My part of the festival was on the children’s stage preforming tricks for the kiddies. Not the caliber of Houdini, but my act is newer, and I’m not dead, so I’m pulling in more money than he is. I noticed a guy in the back, with long hair, who was intently watching my show. I made a lady lay an egg, hatched a piece of paper, made a drawing of a chicken appear on the paper, colored the chicken, and finally brought the colored picture into 3D with a little plush chick. The kids applauded, and the guy kept watching.

After the show I was cleaning up and he came up and introduced himself. He told me he liked my show, but I stopped too early. He asked to see my little plush chick. He rubbed it for a few seconds and darned if the thing didn’t start moving and turn into a real live yellow peeper. I was amazed that someone would follow my act hard enough to prep this. Well, he walked away and I figured a dude this good would be a headliner so I checked out the schedule to find out when he was performing. He wasn’t anywhere on the bill. In fact, after talking to some security folks, I found out he had done this kind of stuff for two other magicians as well, and only had a single day ticket.

Real Magic??

I fully admit I’m a second rater, but I know you can’t study a magic show, prepare, set up, and rehearse a follow-up trick in one sitting. This guy was really magic. Magical magic! Not the slight-of-hand crap I pull on the kids. This caused me to think hard. (You might have smelled the smoke.) If this dude had serious magical magic, maybe blank paper could be a secret magical map and mysterious flowers can keep you young forever. Ponce DeLeon was looking for fountains when he should have been looking for Forget-Me-Nots.

Can we afford to take chances?

The thing is, with the autumn rains a weird yellow Daisey/Lilly combo showed up in my yard all of a sudden. After talking with that strange dude at the festival I don’t know what to do. I seriously want to sing to it and see if it will cure all my ills, but my neighbors already think I’m strange. Something like that could put them over the edge and get me thrown out of the home owners association. On the other hand, I’d have the last laugh a hundred years from now when they’re all dead. On the other, other hand, even if it is magical, would I be able to figure out the correct song to sing? I guess I’ll have to think about this for a while.

On the other, other, other hand, I wonder if it prefers Elton John or Shawn Mendez  

Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer

Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On



24 thoughts on “Be All You Can Be… As Long As You Can Figure Out The Instructions

  1. Wow, what a beautiful post this is. I am fascinated with “a flower grows from a special drop of sunlight and if you sing a special song to it, it glows and rewards you with eternal youth.” I will believe it despite all evidence to the contrary.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am under magic spell because of you.
    I am lost, confused even laughing mad.
    Please own the responsibility and compensate suitably by revealing secret of your talent, as to how you are able to make people smile with your vocabulary 😃😃😃

    Love this ‘Well, let’s just say finding dinosaur dung on the gas planet Uranus is far more likely’

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, I think, if you are going to start singing to flowers you should choose between Tiptoe Through the Tulips or Magical Mystery Tour and let the neighbors think what they will. Here in Colorado, they’d probably think you had been entertaining yourself with a magical, legal weed.

    Liked by 1 person

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