My Grandparents tradition

My grandparents had a seven-foot, aluminum foil, Christmas tree every year. It stood on a base that spun it around. On it hung blue and green balls, nothing else. Above it was a yellow light and below was a spinning thing that changed the floodlight illuminating it from red to blue to green to yellow. That’s it, nothing else, every year, for as long as they were alive. I don’t know what forest it came from. Perhaps somewhere in northern Canada? I also don’t know whether it was over harvesting or climate change, but those silver trees went extinct some time in the middle 1980’s. It’s really very sad. From the pictures I’ve seen they were quite abundant in the 1950’s and 60’s. In the seventies they were replaced by really bad looking plastic and paper trees. Then for some stupid reason people started going back to cut fir trees in the 1980’s. Perhaps the secret groves of plastic trees went extinct as well; another casualty of global warming.

The search to continue tradition

I want you all to know the great Mr. Ohh! has gone to Northern Canada in search of the last silver tree in the hopes of rekindling a beloved tradition. Some of you will ask why. In fact, most of you will say that fir trees were the first Christmas trees from way back in 1510. Now that’s tradition. The silver ones came much later, but for me they are my tradition and I bet for a lot of others as well.

That’s the problem. Tradition is supposed to be tradition. As in long term. It shouldn’t change at the whim of some dude who happens to have an axe that happens to be able to cut down an aluminum tree trunk. Take the old fire place for instance. Our family tradition is to sit in front of a crackling fire on Christmas night, snuggle together, and drink wine. The problem is, our new house didn’t have a real fire place. So, we improvised. We bought a gas mantle place, complete with fake logs. It’s really beautiful and the fire is completely real. This way we uphold the tradition as best as we possibly can. Then there is my brother-in-law.

The destruction of a tradition

Fred thinks we are wasting gas and causing a hazard so he purchased a DVD of a burning fire. The thing is nuts. It has seventeen different fires, twelve different fire places, three different stoves, probably a bar-b-que, maybe a furnace, and possibly a heating pad for all I know. The problem is the video generates no heat. I bet it’s real exciting watching a heating pad on TV while you’ve got a real one sitting on your lap. Of course, you could also bask in the glow of a fake furnace as you crank the real one up. The possibilities are endless.

The real issue I have with the DVD is what happened last weekend. My wife and I went over there to have a little get together. My sister made some delicious hors-devours and some hot toddy’s. The four of us sat in the living room talking. Fred decided to put in the Fireplace DVD on the TV for a bit of mood. The thing is, he has this huge TV which made the fire look like the neighborhood was burning, and its mounted six feet up the wall. Nobody in the whole world has a mantel six feet off the ground. It just wasn’t right. I mean maybe we could ask Hugo the friendly giant to light the thing, but it really doesn’t set the right mood.

The modernazation of tradition

Then there’s holiday commercials. When I was a kid. The tradition was to hide something under the tree. That way you could at least make believe that Santa brought the kids all that underwear and socks. Commercials reflected this. They advertised razors, and cookware. You know, just in case you’re still hopeful your wife’s cooking might improve, or you’re one of those people who really enjoy bleeding, either way. Nowadays, advertisers have no shame. The expect you to buy cars and houses as holiday presents. I’ll tell you right now, I bought my wife a car this year and I will not be doing it again, no matter how many commercials they put on the tube.

That’s another thing. I’m supposed to surprise my wife with a brand-new car. In one ad, a couple go outside, the guy whistles and a dog runs over the hill. The lady smiles, whistles and somebody drives a truck over the hill. The guy smiles and runs to the truck. Let me just say this, that guy is getting no holiday lovin’ tonight. He’ll be lucky if she lets him sleep with her new puppy. He spent thirty bucks on a shelter mutt and she spent forty grand on a truck. Surprise!! Balance is critical in gift giving. Surprising someone with a car will cause an imbalance that might destroy the world. I told my wife what I was doing. In fact, she even picked it out. I paid for it, but because everyone knew what was going on, there will be no gift-wrapped arguments tied up with a bow, under my tree this year, thank you very much.

The sacred tradition

Then there’s the whole Santa Claus tradition. This tradition started around 280ad, although I understand it really got going in 1823 when Clement Moore wrote the poem A Visit from St. Nicolas, and then later in Coca Cola ads. Either way it’s a long-standing tradition. When I was growing up Santa was kinda omnipotent. He was the man. He had reindeer and elves and other wise didn’t need anybody. Santa even saved the world from the Martians. There’s even a movie about it, look it up! Then came the 1990’s. All of a sudden tradition goes out the window and everybody and their brother has to make themselves look better and save Santa. Elmo, Earnest, Mickey Mouse, The Tick, Kiss, everybody. There are movies like The Man Who Saved Christmas, The Little Girl Who Saved Christmas and even one about a mouse. I realize the guy is old, but how the heck did the vigorous jolly old elf suddenly become so feeble. I don’t think he did. I think it’s just a conspiracy of selfish self-promoters trying to make themselves look better at the expense of Santa. For Shame!!

Another thing is, Santa always knew what was going on without having any spies hanging around people’s houses. Then suddenly in 2005 he needs an elf in everybody’s house? What Happened?? Is the tradition of an Elf on The Shelf really necessary? I don’t think so. In total honesty I’m not sure they even work for Santa. They’re probably just those elves that used to make shoes, and now that manufacturing has moved to China, they’re looking for a job. So, they dress up in red and green and say they work for Santa. It’s an old ploy. Parents and department stores have saying it for years. “Yea, sure. I work for Santa. I’ll let him know everything you told me.” So don’t trust them, but trust me.

A tradition of greed

I Mr. Ohh! work for Santa, Send cash!!