Holidays are fascinating
You know a funny thing? You can almost make anything relatable to the holidays. Cooking dinner for instance. Cooking dinner is a mundane task you gotta do every day, but on the holiday it’s special. Even fixing your car becomes a treat on the holiday. Think about it; All the guys are drinking eggnog and Louie drives up with his car making a funny noise. Immediately everybody puts on coats, and you’ve got thirty mechanics working on Louie’s car, all laughing and joking. Of course, the car will probably never run again, but the point is even a broken car can be made exciting at Christmas.
Then there’s the tradition of mistletoe. It’s supposed to be romantic, but you hang a sprig of that stuff and the strangest couples will start a kissing fest. For instance, my aunt Bess smells funny. Everybody avoids her, but she comes to the holiday party and suddenly it’s a contest to see who can get Bess under the mistletoe first. Even the ladies have gotten involved. Then there’s my son. He’s at that age where a hug is fine, but kissing is out of the question. I hung the silly sprig in the hall and he became the oddest traditionalist ever. He finds everyone, kisses them, then gives an explanation of why, because it’s family custom. Even a kiss hater will smooch on Christmas!
Grumpy people give tips and gifts, stingy folks fill the coffers of charities, even my cat hasn’t scratched me or drawn any blood this whole holiday season. Everything is better at this time of the year. In fact, there is only one thing I can think of that is definitely not better at Christmas and ironically it is the reason for the season; That would be giving birth. After? Well maybe. Before? I guess perhaps, but nothing makes the act of giving birth better, especially when it is your first child.
Giving birth is not a good holiday tradition
Before I go on, I want to say that I am not making fun of the birth of Christ. I am just in total sympathy with his mother. Here’s a for instance; Take the song The Little Drummer Boy. It’s a good song, except it’s completely unbelievable. Think about it. Mary rode for hours on a donkey, was told she had to give birth in a stable, and then did so, laying in a pile of hay. We’re not even in the song yet and there are already several problems. So, let’s break this down.
Mary did it, and look what happened to her
My wife is a trouper, but she rode to a hospital in a car with a great suspension at the end of her pregnancy. Even with all that comfort she complained the whole time. And she had a right to. I have never given birth myself, but I understand it’s an uncomfortable process. On the other hand, Mary rode on a donkey. Donkeys have terrible suspension. If you hit a rock, you know it. Pregnant ladies are uncomfortable in the best case. On a bumpy donkey ride, I’ll bet she was miserable. Then after all those miles, whining, and frequent rest stops to go pee, she gets to the Motel and they’re all full up. You gotta know she’s pissed off at Joseph for not making a reservation, but she doesn’t say anything.
So, she goes to a stable and lays down on some hay. Have you ever laid on hay? It’s prickly as hell. For our first kid my wife was in labor for about ten hours. Imagine ten hours on prickly hay and not a Coke machine in sight. I’m sure Joseph offered to get the drink, but she probably refused because the nearest machine was nineteen centuries away. Now back to the song.
The songs are wrong Don’t listen to them
Here’s the situation. Mary’s sick, in pain and uncomfortable as Hell. She just laid in prickly hay for ten hours, in labor, without a Coke. Then she gave birth with a chicken for a midwife. I’m sure it was the chicken, horses are so squeamish, but that’s beside the point. Then she fights off a couple of cows to lay the brand-new Kid in the manger, and cleans herself up. After all this, some random ten-year-old kid shows up with a drum asking to play. Do you honestly think that women said, “Yes”?? If you do, you’re crazier than I am. Think about it. If she had any strength at all, she probably grabbed Joe’s walking stick and chased the kid away, but more likely she asked him to come back tomorrow.
As long as we’re on the subject of songs, there’s another one called Mary Did You Know? This is a very poignant song asking Mary if she realized who she just gave birth to. That’s the key words though; Just Gave Birth. As I have already described the situation, frankly I really don’t think Mary cared about very much. I think a better title would have been. Mary Did You Care? Because at that minute I’m quite sure she didn’t.
I’ve only written a few songs in my life and I try to reflect the truth. However, my songs never do very well. These folks wrote totally unbelievable songs and they return every year to be overplayed on multiple radio stations. Now who’s the comedian?
And then all the people started coming over
Then we have the whole angel thing. As story and song tell us, the angels took off over the land and sang of great tidings to the shepherds to go see the new born King. After my first was born, my wife didn’t want to see her own family let alone a bunch of random construction workers building the new hospital wing. But there they were. Two hours after the birth Mary finally has time to get a little rest and five-hundred shepherds show up. I mean you want to be nice and serve cookies and stuff, but face it, it’s the middle of the night, and she just gave birth. She is not prepared to have people over, especially in a stable. I just bet she was looking at Joseph angrily saying, “Are these your friends?”
After a long while the shepherds all come through see the Kid have a glass of chocolate milk, there was a brown cow in the barn, and leave. Mary finally gets a chance to relax and get some sleep. However, there is another knock on the stable door. “Who the heck is it now?” She asks with every right to be angry. She drags herself to the door, opens it and is face to face with a king. You just know she’s just not properly dressed for this. Even though she didn’t want to, she had to let him in. Then imagine her surprise when it was three kings, and they’ve got lots of gold for gifts. He’s not even a day old and Joe’s got to run to the bank and set up a savings account. Is it any wonder that as soon as they were alone, Mary forced Joseph to run away to Egypt where nobody knew them? Well, I don’t think so.
Merry (or perhaps Mary) Christmas from Mr. Ohh!
Anyway, now that we’ve thought about Mary. I hope you think about everyone this Christmas. Have a Holiday Filled With Laughter From The Sideways View
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On