Not the best of times
It was the worst of times and trust me I didn’t need two cities to know it was, because I was in the drive-thru line, at a local hamburger place. If I had another city, some best of times might’ve shown up, but I couldn’t have gotten there anyway. I was in the line at the drive-thru. Actually, the two cities, Dickens was talking about were Paris and London, and I’m not anywhere near them. So, if anyone is, let me know what kind of times you’re having; best or worst. It might be nice to have something to think about while sitting here, bored out of mind, in the line, at the drive-thru.
Not the worst of times
Actually, the day started out great, I took the day off for an appointment, and found out I’m just nuts, not certifiably insane yet. That was the first big cheer. I went shopping with my daughter and she just couldn’t find anything right. So, I earned some serious ‘Dad’ points, and didn’t spend a dime. Two big thumbs way up for that one. Next, I took my son for a driving lesson and both me and the car survived with only minor cuts and bruises. In truth, he’s getting a lot better and I was dreaming about a day in the near future when I could sit on my behind and send him out to run my list of errands. Sweet! The best part was that my other son, as usual, bought an expensive item for his computer, with his own money, not mine. Yeah! Was that a good day or what?
A tale of two dinners
I came home from my adventures and reclined in my big chair and my wife told me she was tired and wanted dinner out. I quickly agreed, imagining an intimate table for two, soft music, romantic candle light, delicious portions of salmon, all served with an extreme lack of progeny. I love my children but sometimes I don’t need to hear about girlfriend fights, high school drama, and continuous begging for me to buy tarantulas and snakes as pets. I just wanted a little wife time. Is that too much to ask? Sadly, it was not to be.
You see what my wife was thinking was that she was really tired from her busy day and didn’t want to cook dinner. She knew I had a busy day, and would cry and whine so much about cooking, it would spoil her appetite. She knows me so well.
Therefore, take-out was the only solution. The thing is, I hate take-out. I begged one of my lovely children to cook dinner, but as you may have guessed there were no takers. I couldn’t believe it. There are five people in my house, and none of them wanted to cook dinner for their glorious father, hardworking bringer of the bacon, and master of the house, as long as my wife says it’s okay.
What was even harder to believe was with three and a half drivers, several delivery companies on our phones, and my insistent complaining, for over an hour, I was still the one sitting in this freaking drive-thru.
They were giving me the Dickens
The real problem is that my family betrayed me. They conspired against me to put me in this situation. It was almost like one of those spy movies where the hero doesn’t know he’s surrounded by his enemies, who kept putting him in dangerous places. In this case they wanted me to be bored to death. Let me explain; First, where I am, all the fast-food restaurants are closed to the public because of the virus. Only the drive-thru’s are open. Next, my wife’s credit card is full so she can’t use a delivery app. Very clever on her part. Lastly, they all know at dinnertime, the line will be very long, probably around the building, and into the street, ending about three counties over. They all laugh evilly as a leave, but I as the unsuspecting hero go willingly, because it is for my family. Heck, they probably aren’t even my family. They undoubtedly replaced my real family in an attempt to stop Mr. Ohh! from spreading joy and laughter throughout the world, but I will prevail. Then again, they might just be my hungry kids.
In case you don’t remember, I was still in the drive-thru. The line was moving so slowly and I was starting to get philosophical and began pondering the great questions like; How do the folks who create models of dinosaurs know what color they were? Nobody ever saw one but they all seem to agree that T-rex was a tannish-brown color. When you’re the biggest, baddest, predator in the world, you don’t have to hide. It would be so much cooler if it was hot pink and its food was neon green.
Another thought was, did Sir Isaac Newton really understand how many millions and millions of high school students he was screwing up when he invented algebra? What if it was just a practical joke for a few kids he was pissed at? “I’ll Make them learn all this crap, and they’ll never understand that it’s really nothing more than random stuff I made up! Ha Ha Ha” Then some other professor picked up the notes and made everybody learn it from then on.
Still another great question is; Why won’t that idiot in the white van, three cars up, move forward? People in front of him have moved three times and he just sits there. “Get off your phone you idiot! Pull up so I can get my but out of the Stinking Street!” Hey look it worked we are moving slowly; Ten feet, twenty feet, and stop. A new place to wait, now I can take thirty seconds to admire the new scenery. Ohh Boy!!
Once white van moved the world seemed a little more hopeful. I was finally in the home stretch; I was going to be able to order my food in just a few minutes. Ohh Crap! I just remembered, I never decided what I wanted to eat. They gave me a list of what the rest of them needed but no one asked me. In truth I wanted a pizza, but you can’t get one here in the drive-thru. Pizza has a better system all around. You call on the phone, tell them what you want, and they make it. Then they bring it to you. No muss no fuss and no drive-thru!
The ending can make it a classic
Okay forget that. Do I want a hamburger or a fish sandwich? Or maybe chicken? Chicken is good, especially the sandwich with mozzarella cheese and red sauce. It’s like a pizza on a bun. That’s what I want. Now do I want fires or tater-puffs? Tater-puffs are great but the last time I got them they were soggy and yech. Decisions, decisions? Einstein didn’t think this hard coming up with theories of the universe, sheesh.
Well now you heard the drive-thru saga, you may be asking yourself what ultimately happened. Well, I choked. I got out of line and went and bought fried chicken, something nobody wanted. It’s their fault they should have sent somebody else.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On