I can say proudly that my dog is ugly. I’m not talking really ugly, not the kind of ugly were folks say, “Aww! He’s so ugly he’s cute.” Nope, just plain ugly. About the only other thing I know about him is his name is; Wonder Dog. Yea, and my cat’s name is Cap’n Blood. I seriously need to stop letting small children designate monikers for my pets. The reason I know nothing about Wonder Dog is my wife and children are responsible and take complete care of him. The cat is left to me. This way the injuries are kept to a minimum. Therefore, when my brother, and his wife went on vacation, I was quite surprised when they asked me to take care of their three-year-old labradoodle: Francois. At first, I wasn’t very excited to do the favor, but after I started, I was ecstatic to learn of an entirely new kind of silly person.
Before I start, I must say that labradoodles are very, very cute. The polar opposite of Wonder Dog. Now, everyone just assumes W. D. is a male because of his looks. So, it didn’t surprise me when the opposite happened with Francois. However, let me tell you people, there are both sexes in cute, and ugly dogs. Otherwise, dogs would quickly die out. Breeders do not keep unsightly males around as drones, so they can produce thousand-dollar females, and put males up as rescue dogs. No, there are cute male dogs as well as ugly females, though likely not as horrific as W. D. but I digress.
Anyway, I was walking Francois and he seemed to know the walk so I was letting him lead. We came across two teenage girls who fell all over themselves telling me how cute she was. They went so far to ask me if I knew my brother, and thought if we bred the two dogs the puppies would be just toooooooooo cute. Now, let me explain the trouble here; My brother and I look very similar. Francois looks exactly like himself. He has a distinctive plaid collar and leash. We were walking the same block. These girls must have known my brother and by proxy, Francois. Even with all that, they still assumed the cute dog was a female. In typical Mr. Ohh! fashion, I indicated it was impossible for those puppies to be made. They asked if she was fixed? I answered, “No! She’s a male, and his name is Francois.” They gasped in surprise, and I walked on.
There are silly people everywhere and it’s gotten so bad that something has to be done. When stopped at a red light and it turns green, don’t you hate it when the idiot behind you honks the horn before you have time to move your foot? I do. Once, it irked me so bad I put my car in park, got out, and calmly walked backed to his car and knocked on the window. When he rolled it down all I said was, “Did you need something?” He started yelling and cursing about my car. I stayed totally calm and acted naïve. “Ohh? You honked your horn at me. I thought needed me for something. Are you sure you don’t?” He was definitely more upset after that, and I was smiling as I walked back to my car. Of course, by this time the light was red again, so we waited even longer. I’m not sure about him, but the rest of my day was wonderful.
Of course, these are just regular kinds of silly people. To get to the upper echelons of silliness you have to get to highly educated people, and I want you all to know that Mr. Ohh! has once again reached that pinnacle. I can proudly say that I have been scoffed at, and dismissed by more scientists at prestigious institutions anyone you know. I don’t mean to brag; I’m merely saying this to inspire you. You are all so wonderful and if I can be poo-poo’d by great universities, so can you.
Okay, here it comes; The Disclaimer. I have not met every scientist in the world. Blah blah blah. I met one, and she was very nice. Blah blah blah. This is only what happened to me not everyone. Blah blah blah. Researchers are different than scientists. Blah blah blah. If you are a scientist, I’m sure it wasn’t you. Blah blah blah. If you want to become a scientist, do it. Blah blah blah. And finally, I really like saying, Blah blah blah.
Now that that’s over with let me explain what happened to me. First of all, I am like a five-year-old when it comes to dinosaurs. I’m nuts about them. Sometimes it drives my wife crazy when we’re supposed be on a beach, and I’m asking about native fossils. Also, as Mr. Ohh! I’m a constant observer. Well, I came up with a theory about how a mythical animal might have gotten it’s start. I was a proud little Ohh. I drove my family crazy with details, until my life came down to a choice; Stop talking or sleep on the street, and winter was coming. So, I did what every other great man throughout history has done, I wrote a paper. It was a great paper with my points proven by history, artwork, legend, and mythology.
I sent my paper to the paleo department of a prominent museum and told them my theory. I received an email back explaining I didn’t have a theory, I had a hypothesis, end of statement. What? No discussion. No nothing. Just a grammar correction. I sent an email back, and was told not to bother them again. So, I thought, I would send my paper to a university. This time the email told me in large words that I was wrong and sent me a link to a beautiful video about whale bones.
This surprised me to no end. What were they suggesting? Did they want me to go kill whales and get arrested to get me out of their hair? It would’ve been an easier message to decipher if they’d just’ve said, “Don’t Bug Us!” Simple, yet effective. They couldn’t be saying my beast was a whale, could they? If anyone would have read even a few words of my paper they’d know I was talking about an animal about two feet long. This was getting silly.
I figured these folks didn’t know me so they had no point of reference. So, I wrote to another university with a question. It was answered. I asked several more and established a long relationship. Only then did I mention my paper. My professor friend laughed so hard I heard him fifteen-hundred-miles away, over email. So, I learned a few things. Paleontologists don’t believe in art or anything man made, except fossilized poop. Anthropologists don’t believe in animals, unless some ancient person ate it. Lastly, museum librarians are wonderful people who believe almost any hypothesis, but they roll their eyes a lot when you’re making fun of your own research.
I couldn’t help it, there were some funny jokes to be made.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On