I sincerely tried
Ohh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to make people happy!!! I know this isn’t the exact quote but mine is much more apropos to my situation, seeing as how everything I have written or said, up to this point has been one hundred percent true, and humorous; As I remember it. That’s such a great line, as I remember it. Just think of all the uses. It satisfied my mom when I was in school. It worked on the ensign when I was in the navy. It even calmed down on my boss until I used it too many times and I got fired, but that’s another story. It never worked on my wife though. I don’t know if she’s smarter than all those others or she just knows me better. Either way this statement is not the point of the post, so I’ll get back on track.
And I’m sorry
To all of my fans out there I have to apologize. I have been doing everything wrong. Here I was ruining all of your miserable lives by spreading joy. Someone should have told me I was destroying your unhappiness. You see I selfishly want to become rich and famous and never understood that making people laugh is the wrong way to go about it. I’m so sorry to all you folks out there who have been reading me, just to be nice. I never realized that you all wanted to be was despondent. However now that I know, I promise to disappoint you as often as I can. Cross my heart and hope to be despondent myself.
I’m sure you’re wondering how such an intelligent and clownish person like Mr. Ohh! could have come to this revelation. To be honest I completely missed the boat, when I thought I had my finger on the pulse of the world. I was reading my own pulse when the world was dead, or at least on life support. I was giving happy pills while everyone needed to cry. I was walking the world’s dog when all it wanted was a banana and a good night’s sleep. I’m not even sure what that means so you can see where I could get a little mixed up about other stuff.
My children had to set me straight
It was my daughter who set me right on this topic. A friend of hers was having a sleep-over at a cabin about an hour away. As we drove along, I was listening to the Show-Tunes channel on satellite radio. Satellite radio is great. They have so many channels you can hit the button over a hundred times and never find anything a teenaged girl likes. Some channels really can piss her off, like for instance Show-Tunes. After about twelve minutes the battery in her phone went dead so she was forced to listen. She whined and told me no normal person listens to this stuff. Trying to be a good father I asked what normal people listen to. She produced three CD’s and told me to pick.
The first one I selected was put into the player and a young man started singing about how his girlfriend was treating him and that she should have mercy on his heart. It was so pitiful I felt bad for the dude, but kept listening in an effort to be a proper 2020’s father. The next song was about his broken heart after his recent breakup and so was the third one. Afterward we went back to a string of girls being mean to him and doing things like stealing the air from his lungs and eating out his heart like a cannibal. I grew so upset I screamed, “Jeremy, get out of the dating scene! Get a puppy! Those are much more friendly!”
My daughter was not amused. She told me Jeremy was happily married with two kids and a billion dollars. Then I saw a picture of him, and he was smiling and standing tall. I asked; If he is so happy, why does he write and sing those kinds of songs? My daughter answered, ‘Because that’s what people want to hear.” My eyes glazed over and we changed the disk.
Even then I couldn’t believe it
The next one was a woman who sang about being so ugly, not only couldn’t she get a date, but men made fun of her, women insulted her, children ran away from her screaming, and she was featured in Dogs Monthly Magazine as a six-page center spread. The second song was even worse. Morbid curiosity made me ask to see her picture. I thought I might use it to keep the bugs away from my garden. I was shocked! She was beautiful! Red lips, blonde hair, curvy figure, long legs that ran from her painted toenails all the way up to her behind, and a blouse tight enough to stop me from breathing. The only trouble this singer had with men was keeping them from staring. Why would she tell the world she was ugly? My daughter explained that she was singing for her fans who had trouble dating. I’m sorry, but that’s like an elephant advocating for mice because he understands how tough it is to live underground. Sure, you can raise awareness, but you’ll never truly understand.
But it’s true
The bottom line to all this is, singers wouldn’t sing sad songs if people didn’t want to hear them. With this fact the great Mr. Ohh! brain went to work, I did research. I sat down on the sofa and watched TV; it was a tough job but someone had to do it. I watched movies, documentaries, sit-coms, rom-coms, dram-coms, and some straight up coms. That’s commercials folks. Everything had a moral about the tough realities of life. Even comedies are only half funny, the rest is reality.
Does everybody really want that much reality? I thought entertainment was supposed to be entertaining, but no. We are interested in sadness. We love to be sad. We love to be sad so much we watch team sports. Think about it, there are thirty-two teams in the NFL. This means ninety-six-point-nine percent of the USA will be disappointed at the end of the season. But never fear we have basketball so that we are only ninety-six-point-six percent upset when that ends. However, hope springs eternal and baseball gives us the opportunity to be sad during the summer, as the world grows warm around us. It’s the same with rugby, football, hockey and all the others. We love to watch and be disappointed.
We love to be upset about our politicians too. First, we split up into two groups and find the worst candidates. Then we vote for, and get the worst officials. They come back with a four-year plan which we give them about a month to get done before we start hating them even when we did the voting. I never understood that. Local, national and even international despondency was the way to go. Who knew?
Please forgive me Or not!
Well, I know now! From now on I plan to disappoint my fans as often as possible. I’m going to cry and speak of the sad realities whenever I can.
Unless I decide not to. Like always!
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On