These Toys Are Not Recommended For Children Over Thirty

A bad week

This has been a bad week. In fact, it was a very bad week. Now I don’t normally believe in corporal punishment, but this has been the kind of a week where I’d like to take off my belt and whack it on its Friday a couple times. That’ll teach it. I tried to give it a time-out, or make it stand in a corner, but it disappeared. As soon as the new week started, the old week was gone just like that. Isn’t that just like a week? They never hang around and take their medicine like a man. Of Course, it wasn’t a man, if it was it would have gone to bed without supper for two days like I use to do.

If you want to hear me read this Press Play If not read on

I should have known something was going to go wrong, because I had just received some very good news. You see, last year I had a great idea at work and then, my boss immediately set me to the job of executing it. Isn’t that just like an employer? Anyway, after many extra hours and long nights, I made it work. Because of the great company I work for, I was given a hearty pat on the back and the job was given to someone in Buffalo to run it. She got a raise and promotion while I got a framed piece of paper and my old job back. Am I bitter? Hell Yea! But all this is beside the point.

The Good News

The good news is that I received an award of a thousand dollars for improving customer relations and reducing complaints. They actually flew me to New Jersey to attend a huge banquet and rub elbows with all the corporate big-wigs where the award was presented. It was pretty nice but would have been better if they could have skipped the big-wigs and sent me to Hawaii instead. I guess you can’t have everything.

Anyway, with my new-found fortune I decided to purchase a 3-D printer. The thing is, the only place for the printer to go was in a long-neglected corner of our family room. When the kids were young, this corner was where they kept their toys. As they got older of course, they went to that corner less and less. You can probably guess what a mess it was. It went four feet in every direction. Its own little pile of devastation that no one went near for years. Well, that was all in the past. I was not only going to brave that corner I was going to clean it up and get my new printer. The thing is, those toys weren’t going down without a fight.

My family makes my job difficult

As I started, I was lulled into a false sense of security. I took things from the top of the pile. There were deflated balls and discarded plush animals. The only hard part of all that was the sentiment of the family. I found a completely unstuffed dog, and was about to throw it away when my twenty-year-old son called out, “You found Woofers!” Frankly, I never knew who Woofers was. I guess you miss a lot when you’re at work. I let him see the rag and them tried to trash it again. He was ready to assassinate me. “NO ONE TOUCHES WOOFERS!” He said with authority. I backed off, after all it was only one little thing. This was before I found Loopy and Doopy, Alice Allie and Allison, Minty, ‘P’ the pony, Nugget Bear, and the Snuggle Burger who, by the way, eats nothing but faces. Who knew? Apparently even after these things have sat forgotten for ten years, they still are part of our family and can’t be lost, or tossed.

It was only after hours of intense negotiation, which I’m sure the American state department couldn’t have managed that I was able to move some of these items to the attic. Woofers was to live in my son’s room. There was a codicil about how often they could come out and how many could leave at a time. We had a beautiful, two-hour, signing ceremony by one of the rose bushes, with no roses because it’s too early in the year. Then a symbolic placing of them in a plastic storage container a somber parade up the stairs to the attic. The family stopped for a few tears and ceremonial Oreos, but I went back to work.

The toys themselves rebel

 It was about this time that I was getting towards the floor. Immediately I noticed it had been mined with loose Legos, strategically placed to prevent anyone from coming near the great toy fortress. Now I have been briefed about the dangers of stepping on Lego. In fact, I have some experience in this field. I said to myself, “Ha Ha, what elementary defenses you have put up.” I was wrong. The scattered plastic bricks were naught but a ploy to lull me into a false sense of security when there was an even greater danger waiting in the darkness. Boy, that sounds ominous, doesn’t it?

Remember folks, I do this stuff in my socks, and when I saw the limited Legos, I relaxed and thought of my sweaty feet and took the socks off. That’s when I came upon the naked Barbies. Why they’re all naked I have no idea, but there it is. At first, I thought nothing of it. In fact, since there were so many, I called my daughter to clean them up. I tried to step over them but slipped. The pain was tremendous. You see, Barbie has very pointy umm girl parts. I mean on real girls these parts are well umm not made of hard plastic. You see if you turned Barbie over these parts would be in the carpet but as the all seemed to be laying on their backs, and Barbie is, well… How should I say this? Um Very perky and um… Well, I guess I gotta say it. I don’t want to. I want to keep this a clean blog but there’s no other way to describe it. The word is Boobs. Barbie has rather prominent, very pointy, hard plastic boobs, and they really hurt when you step on them. Way worse than Lego.

I’m sorry for the dirty word, But it hurt a lot

I was in a mine field. There were pointy breasts everywhere. When that first foot hit, I was off balance. Every time I put a foot down it landed on hard perky plastic. It was almost impossible to keep my balance and avoid this mammary mess. I almost made it, but then I heard the crack.

The pain shot up my left leg and I lost every bit of dignity I had left. Which, by the way, wasn’t much. I went down like a ton of Ken dolls. My wife took me to the emergency room, and after an x-ray it was found that I had broken two bones in my foot. Toys one Mr. Ohh! nothing.

Alls well that ends badly

Sadly, that’s not the worst of it. Do you know how many times you have to explain what happened in an Emergency Room?

Nine times I had to say, “Well, I broke my foot on Barbie’s…  Well, you know”

Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer

Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On


11 thoughts on “These Toys Are Not Recommended For Children Over Thirty

  1. When I had to deal with Barbies I was fortunate in that they were all in a five-gallon bucket. I didn’t step on them but inexplicably about half of them in the bucket were headless.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh!Mr Ohh! It sea that the Fates are determined to get you into that emergency room one way or another lately!
    I remember I would clear the boys room’s out and feel great only to discover the next day they had raised the bins and everything was back in their room’s! Nothing ever got up to the loft!
    Tell me did you get your three D printer and where is it 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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