I should have kept my big mouth shut
Some great and wise person once said, and I quote, “When In doubt, keep your big mouth shut!” Sadly, this is not a lesson that Mr. Ohh! has been able to learn. You see, I have so much knowledge to spread, I feel it is my duty to enlighten those less fortunate than I. Also, in my defense, it took three times of stupid gum flapping to get me into trouble. I never saw it coming and I was blindsided by my boss, like a teen princess finding out she has to go to work. The signs were all there, I just never thought it would happen to me. Perhaps I should explain.
Last year, all the salespeople in my company went to the gulf coast for the annual sales conference. The technical folks left behind all went to a restaurant to complain. This is what my company calls teamwork. Over hamburgers my boss explained that the salespeople would be eating steak and discussing how to sell the new products. As the others griped in low tones, I proclaimed that they should learn how to actually operate the products, that way they wouldn’t be bothering us all the time. Everyone agreed and my boss got a funny smile on his face. That is always bad sign. I shut up and hid behind Bob in the hopes he would deflect any new unpaid overtime. Bob didn’t appreciate this, but as Darwin wrote; “In the jungle and the workplace, the law is survival of the one who keeps his head down.” If that doesn’t sound exactly like Charles Darwin that’s because it’s not. Chuck Darwin is hard to read. This quote is from Jeremy Darwin, my neighbor up the street
Well, nothing came of it so I forgot about it. Then, at the holiday get-together we were sitting at a table and my boss came by and was asking about our hobbies. Wouldn’t you know I was stupid enough to speak up again. I bragged on how I like to stand in front of a crowd and do comedy. They all marveled at the fact I could do magic for small kids. A couple of other guys talked as well, but me and my fluttering lips had to be center stage. Again, there was the smile but I didn’t even try to avoid it I was going on vacation so I figured I was safe. I had forgotten Jeremy Darwin’s second law; “Never let a predator or supervisor ever know you have abilities outside the norm.”
But Three Times!
The third time was just a simple grumble. It could have happened to anybody. The thing is, my mouth never played office politics, and I honestly feel a bit of grumbling is healthy. All I actually said was that a little company paid travel would be nice when I heard I would have to cover for my boss while he went to Chicago for meetings. Unfortunately, J. Darwin saw this one coming as well; “When any creature or employee seeks to move from, or change its environment they better be darn well ready to face the consequences.” That’s another thing, Charles Darwin never said “Darn” either. You see how good I am at imparting knowledge.
Anyway, most of you probably aren’t as stupid as I was, put these three facts together, and saw what was coming. In my defense, they weren’t all in a row like I presented them to you, so I feel I still maintain the fantastic aura of intelligence that is Mr. Ohh!. So there! If you don’t think so, speak up now. Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm I don’t hear any detractors. I guess I’ll just continue knowing that I’m as wonderful as I think I am.
Sadly, The boss was listening and so was Sales
Well about a month ago my boss came to me and asked if he could take me to lunch. This is never good news. The only reasons your boss ever wants you at lunch is to discipline you, fire you, tell you you’re getting lots more work with no additional pay, or some sort of office surprise party where you will be humiliated and sent back to work in a blue funk unable to complete the days tasks and ultimately get yelled at. When I noticed the sales manager putting on her coat as well, I knew I was in big trouble. Sales and support never mix.
My dread only grew when I saw how fancy the restaurant was. There was raw meat and other stuff on ice in the lobby. Tech people never see these kinds of things. This is the stuff of expense accounts. I didn’t know how to act. I’ve heard sales is rough, and I have no clue what’s on a raw bar. I mean some of that stuff looked like fingers or small pieces of tech support reps who didn’t live up to marketing’s expectations. When we sat down, Marissa, the sales manager ordered a bottle of red wine and three glasses without asking. I was being marinated! I was headed to that raw bar for sure.
But I misunderstood their intentions
I had hoped that my boss might step in and stop this insanity, but frankly I’m the senior member of the team. He may have negotiated with Marissa to provide a sacrifice. They’re both second level management and probably stick together. He even poured three glasses of the blood-colored liquid and proposed the toast. “Congrats Mr. Ohh! I hope you enjoy your time down there. We’re going to miss you.” Frankly I was disappointed in him. I’d been on his team for a long time. Would it have been so hard to say I was going Up There?
I slowly took a sip of the wine, and resigned myself to the inevitable. I actually thought of you all who would lose this great form of entertainment. Then I thought NO! I’m not going to leave without a fight. Even though they plotted my demise, they were still the managers of my company so I asked respectfully, “Why are we here, and what’s going on?”
The two of them looked over their glasses wide-eyed and asked, “Didn’t you talk to Mr. Russet last night? He gave us the green light.”
What was really going on?
Their surprise shocked me. Well, no I hadn’t, and if they were expecting me to volunteer for something like this, they were sadly mistaken. I told them I left early last evening to take my daughter to the dentist. They actually looked embarrassed that I didn’t know what was going on. Neither felt it was their place to tell me as this was an executive decision and was completely voluntary. Well, someone was going to have to tell me what was going on, before I was going to be suckered into a third of the check which was likely to be more than my house payment.
Finally, Marissa told me that the company was opening a sales office in Florida and they wanted me to go there for three months to help hire and train the new sales people. I don’t know what was so hard about that. I agreed easily.
Alls well that doesn’t get chomped
Especially when the alternative was being eaten in little raw pieces
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On