Ohh! The Horror… Movies

Childhood Beasties

Pediatric Psychologists agree, “Monsters under the bed can be a horrible reality for young children.” Toddlers beside the bed are an even worse one for sleeping fathers. My son was especially susceptible to night creatures and kept me awake many a night with his night frights. As the excellent dad Mr. Ohh! is, I calmed my son, checked under the bed, spoke soothingly to him and even offered to sit in his room until he fell asleep. Once he did, I returned to my bed to be awakened ten minutes later by my toddler telling me, we forgot to check the closet. This rotation was repeated for the dresser, behind the curtains, the nightstand, behind the rocker, and then under the bed again.

If you want to hear me read this Press Play If not read on Either way Don’t be scared

You’d think I’d have learned to check all these things the first time, but frankly I get pretty stupid when I’m sleeping. If the kid were smart, he would have woken his mother and all this could have been avoided. Mothers are so much better than fathers. I’m not saying I shouldn’t share responsibilities, but I don’t have mother radar. I the dad I’m supposed to do what I’m told, distract child A while child B is being changed, reach the top shelf for stuff, and make sure mom is comfortable and is never out of chocolate. Mom with the amazing radar, would have checked everything the first time, made cookies, reassured the child with milk and a snack, tucked him back in, sang him to sleep with a lullaby, looked in on the other two kids, woke and chewed me out for not helping, and been back to sleep in forty-five minutes. Heck, to this day, my mother knows and calls whenever I hurt myself. I usually stop answering after the fourth or fifth time every day.

Scared Teens

As amazing as mom radar is, it’s not what I’m on about. I’m questioning the whole irrational fear thing. I mean, monsters hiding in the darkness is such a common theme, it must be happening to everyone, and not just Mr. Ohh!. There are hundreds of movies made with this theme. In a lot of them the monster has befriended the child, and uses her or him to prey on unsuspecting, scantily clad, busty teenage girl babysitters and her friends. I’m not sure why ultra-thin curvy teens are their select diet, when heavy men have so much more meat on their bones. Who knows? Perhaps heavy meals make them drowsy. I’ll be sure to ask Stephen King the next time I see him.  

Be all this as it may, my point is Hollywood and all those independent movie makers, make tons, or for my world-wide readers metric tons, of cash on simple unsubstantiated fears. There are horror movies about rabid dogs, dead pets, nightmares, camping in the woods, cursed mummies, killer rabbits, getting married, spoiled milk, and even a horror movie about being scared of horror movies.

You’d think they’d be running out of things to scare us with, and well, yes, they have. The reasons for these movies are getting sillier and sillier. I mean there is a horror movie about a dead Nun. Look, I’ve been to Catholic school. Live Nuns are far scarier than dead ones could ever be.

Before we continue, I have a question

Also, why is it always popular, cute, teen girls that get into this trouble? You’d think the demons would look for the sick, small, and loners, like lions in the jungle. It just doesn’t make sense. I’ve watched a million nature documentaries and not one of them say, “Back in the tall grass the predator waits for his chance. Sure, there are many sick, older, and injured animals in this herd, but this particular beast will only attack the strongest young adults, and most likely it will be a svelte female. Why is that, Jim?”

“That is a great question, Ben. It’s a matter of species survival. You see, by strictly going for the young adults, the beast ensures that it’s DNA line and reproduction will be… Ohh heck. This is all bull crap for the TV audience. The truth is I haven’t got a clue.”

Scary things for a new generation

The reason I bring all this up is that I have teenagers in my house, and two of them are boys. They are afraid of some of the strangest things, and if others are like my teens there could be some really great movies right here. For instance, my kids are afraid of the ice trays. They like ice, and will empty the trays when they need ice. However, the thought of refilling those trays with water and placing them in the freezer terrifies them to no end. They just won’t do it. I have tried to ease their fears as I did so long ago with the creatures under the bed, but as yet, have had no luck. The terror of this process, immobilizes them, as if they will be somehow frozen as well.

Apparently, there’s also some horrible demon living in our trash can. Teens will not go near it, and consequently must leave all trash on the counter. Since I am an older adult and have put on a few pounds the thing refuses to come near me or my wife and we can clean up after the teens with impunity. I wish it weren’t so, but I don’t want them eaten. I have even sealed the bag of trash and asked them to take it outside. They will do this task, but dread and anxiety rule the day so it takes a long time and many requests. Think of that movie; It lives in your trash!

The scariest thing of all for a teen is a used blender. When the thing is clean, everything is rainbows and roses. But, once you put fruit, yogurt, and protein powder in it, something happens. Ohh you can happily drink the mixture. Digestive enzymes stop the biological metamorphosis. Sadly though, the residue, somehow morphs into a beast of amazing proportions. Yep, it’s smaller than microscopic, but my daughter and sons aren’t taking any chances.

The movie I would make

Think of the movie that would make. An innocent young girl, Kira, (probably still in her underwear, because that’s what they wear in such movies) makes a delicious, kumquat, dragon fruit, maccha, lizard mud, smoothie. While drinking, she dances around and yaks to no one about her macho boyfriend. Why? Who knows, it’s just what happens in all these scripts.

Unbeknownst to her, but beknownst to us, the little microbes in the smoothie start to reproduce and achieves malevolent intelligence. She dances by the dirty blender, and knocks over it during in a beautiful turn. As she cleans up the glass, she cuts herself and the microbes enter her body, she turns into a zombie, and picking up the blender blades she goes to the picnic.

Once there her best friend, Meghan. greats her saying, “Kira, why are you in your underwear?” Kira attacks with the blender blades, then proceeds to turn Garnwell Woods into a real mess.

This must be what my kids are afraid of. It could never be they just don’t clean up after themselves.

Like I’ve told them a million times!

Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer

Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On



19 thoughts on “Ohh! The Horror… Movies

  1. As a big horror movie fan I get what you mean about the victim always being a curvy, attractive teen however I feel like newer horror movies don’t do that as much. I share some of the fears your teens have lol 😂

    Liked by 2 people

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