Universal ponderinderings

In the scope of all the problems in the universe, I guess this one isn’t really in the top ten. Actually, it might not even be in my top ten, but it annoys the snot out of me. I’m told to be patient. I’m told to accept the world as it is. You know all that “Blessed are the Peace Makers” stuff. Those are good words from a great man. But I gots to know, “Why am I the only person, in the whole freaking world, who hates pepperoni?”

I love Italian food. Sadly, every time I order a salad, in an Italian restaurant, I have to ask for them to take it off. Even then it’s even money they’re going to leave it on, and just hide it under the cheese. Then I put on the dressing and happily take a bite only to be gagged and pepperoni-ized. It’s kind of like getting a letter bomb, or like that ketchup gas they used in World War One. No wait it was mayonnaise gas. Hey, I don’t like mustard either.

Perfect Pizza Problem

Don’t even get me started about pizza. I know I have a lot of non-American friends, who may not know that pizza is a dietary standard in the USA. Basically, it’s a pie with no top crust. The middle is covered with some kind of sauce, usually tomato, then a layer of cheese, then other things, like pepperoni. For some silly reason, pepperoni has become the go to topping for everybody. Now in the USA, it is a federal law that if people are getting together for any type of party, pizza must be served. I’m don’t know if failing to do so is punishable by imprisonment, torture, death, or having to sit through several Jennifer Anniston movies, which is kind of like torture, but worse.

Anyway, if you go to these parties, all the pizzas have pepperoni, or nothing at all. Just cheese, and that’s it. Naked! Now, I’m not saying naked isn’t good in some situations, it is, but on pizza it’s a disgrace. It’s like Picasso not finishing a painting. It might have been a masterpiece, but you don’t know.

and Picasso Paintings

Getting off topic for a moment, I don’t understand the Picasso / art thing. Yes, he made some great masterpieces, but he also made some crapola. I’m not knocking the guy. This is true for everybody. Nobody’s perfect every time, with the possible exception of me, but I’ll leave that question up to you. It’s fitting that his masterworks sell for millions, but why should the trash sell for the same price, just because Picasso painted it. It’s still garbage. I once saw what was said to be a sketch by Dali’ with a round stain in the corner. The dealer clamed it was a whiskey stain when he set his glass down on the sketch. This made it more valuable. So, you’re telling me Sal D made a pencil sketch on a coaster, and they want me to pay two thousand bucks for it. Sure, his paintings are valuable, but I can get better coasters a Walmart, for a lot less. We now return to our program, already in progress.

Getting back to pizza, and the mysterious need for that disgusting pepperoni. So, I go to a party, and my choice is pepperoni, which I hate, or just cheese, which I can’t abide. What kind of a choice it that? Hasn’t world ever heard of Italian sausage? Apparently, not. My college roommate used to tell me, “It’s not pizza if there’s no pepperoni. You can put on anything else but without pepperoni, I’m not having it.” This is what I’m fighting.

Some folks, over the years have told me to just take the pepperoni off and it’ll be okay. Those folks are completely out of their minds, and should be committed to a mental ward. First, if I took off the only topping on the silly pizza, it would become the heinous crime of a cheese pizza, and as we have already established, might be even worse. Second, pepperoni has an oil which when heated in the baking process seeps out and leaks out all over the pizza. Removing the actual pepperoni, does not remove the oil. It still tastes like pepperoni. So there.

Other Crusty Issues

While we’re not on the subject, but I’m going to say it anyway; What’s up with pizza crust? Almost every pizza has a thick crust around the outside that almost no body eats. There are no toppings, or cheese, or sauce on it so it gets thrown to the side, and then tossed in the trash. Pizza places have also noticed this trend, and started stuffing this part of the crust with spices, or cheese, and heaven forbid, pepperoni. If you own a pizza place allow me to tell you something. It’s gross and it’s not working. If you do try to eat that special crust, there’s just too much cheese. You can feel your arteries getting harder. Then some little guy in your heart turns a valve that closes your throat, and you start to gag. This is not what I call a positive experience. More like something, I’d expect to see in a game of Truth or Dare.

Okay, I have abused pepperoni long enough, so you probably understand my feelings on the subject. If you don’t, just go back to the beginning and read this whole thing again. I’m sure you’ll get the message. I realize as a highly intelligent person I sometimes I sometimes speak a little too high brow, and you might have missed a few of the nuances I was trying to relate. It’s okay, don’t beat yourself up. We can’t all be Mr. Ohh!. The reason I want you all to fully understand my position is that I’m about to try to change the world. Ya know, there should be some really impressive music at this point. Something that builds to a thunderous peak as I tell you of my plans. Sadly, when you’re changing the world it’s really difficult to get licensing for such things. Either way here we go.

Educate yurself and join the movement!

Now, my extensive research tells me pizza can trace it’s roots to Ancient Greece, when they put toppings on flat breads. Perhaps it was Achilles or Heracles himself, with his great strength who smashed it into a pie. The modern form can be traced to Naples, Italy in the eighteenth century when tomatoes and sauce were added. These tomatoes were brought from the Americas, making it an international dish. Now, something you may not know is, pepperoni was created in New York by Italian immigrants trying to recreate salami. Bet you didn’t know that one, did you? So, I feel if we’re calling pizza Italian, while Americans supplied the tomato sauce, and Greeks supplied the flatbread, shouldn’t we let the Italians have credit for something?  Like, Italian sausage for instance. This could be the new go to topping.

Do you see where I’m going here? Join the movement! Eliminate Pepperoni! Follow Mr. Ohh! into the future, with Italian sausage. How you choose to handle your sausage is important. Make it count!