I don’t understand

I once attended a comedy show. It was excellent except for one part. The headliner started a joke by saying how he hated ‘Stupid People.’ Then he proceeded to talk about these people, and his hatred, for over half an hour. I don’t understand. If he hates these folks as much as he said, why is he spending so much time talking about them. I would think he would love them, because they give him so much material. In fact, if you’ve read my Welcome to Me page, you’ll know I love stupid people. I sometimes sit in the park, watch them, and laugh. They are a source of never-ending entertainment.

I often coerce people into doing stupid things. It’s not very hard. Sometimes all you have to do is talk. I once asked directions to the Speedy Gas station from the attendant at the Speedy Gas station. It took him almost three minutes to realize where he was. Or I’ll ask if I can get five quarters for a dollar. “Sure,” they always respond. I have never gotten a negative answer to this question. After a few seconds they realize what I said, and give me my change, but you should see the looks on their faces. You can just see their little minds wondering if they heard it wrong. Then they shake their heads in disbelief.

Public service projects

I consider all of this a service to humanity. If there weren’t people like me around, no one would ever break out of their hum drum lives. Sometimes, you have to set their brains in motion to get the dust off. There’s no need to thank me, it’s just one of my charities. I actually tried to get credit for this noble work off my taxes last year, Shaking the Dust Off the Minds of People in A Rut. Sadly, that silly government wanted receipts, and times of services provided. That’s a place where I’m sorely needed. Government folks have so much dust on their brains, it’s like there’s a scientist making observations on mental disuse. However, this goes very far off the point.

The point is I don’t hate anyone, smart or stupid. Both can be fun in their own ways. I mean of course, fun to me. If they don’t get it, ohh well. There is one group that does scare me though. The ones who really love their jobs. I’m not talking the normal liking of one’s job, that’s okay. I like my job, but it’s just a job, a way to make money, and live in society. No, I’m talking more like preschool teachers with a glazed look in their eyes, who meet in coffee houses on open mike nights and try to get everyone to sing The Itsy-Bitsy Spider. Folks who pull out crayons when they sign stuff at the bank. The ones you meet, for a date in a fancy restaurant, and they want to cut your steak for you. You know the type, in serious need of a vacation. I dated a woman like this once, and she wanted to redo my apartment in shades of glitter.  

There is a positive side of all this though. I’ve considered getting a bunch of these wackos together and starting a business. If your husband or wife has a roving eye, I will introduce you to one, and set up a date. In a very short time, the wanderlust will be completely gone, and the philanderer will go running back to their spouse, probably screaming, and possibly covered in construction paper begging to be taken back. Remember, I’m not saying all preschool teachers are like this, but going on personal experience… Well, let’s just say, you may know different people than I do, and leave it at that.

Very Scary boys and girls

As humorous as this all might be, people who spend way too much time with small children are not the worst of the crazies. There is a group I’ve found which scare me beyond belief. You may remember my post, Money, and A Bunch of Other Awful Stuff, where I said my bathroom fell apart, and I had to deal with some contractors. If you haven’t don’t worry I forgive you. Either way we had to redo our bathroom and it looked so good my wife thought we should remodel our kitchen. In the bathroom I did most of the work. It taught me a very important lesson; I should NOT be doing this kind of work. Therefore, my wife and I went to a supply store to talk things over with a designer. Somebody hold me, I’m scared!

I had never spoken to a designer up to this point, so I didn’t know what to expect. Well, I’ll tell you what to expect; They love tile! They are complete tile maniacs. I didn’t see it, but I bet there was a picture of this lady sleeping with tile somewhere. When we arrived at the store this lady, we’ll call her Sally because, well that’s her name, started putting tile on top of tile to show us the contrasts of different tile.

After an hour of Sally sharing her tile-love, she suggested we look around and let her know what we liked. I looked at one display, and indicated I was mildly interested in it. Sally went nuts. “You don’t want this stuff! The price is too high and the quality is terrible! This display shouldn’t even be in the store.” Next she took out a wand, and started waving it at the display saying, “Envenerasium!” or something like that. You will never believe what happened next; NOTHING! Nothing at all. But Sally got a satisfied look is her wild crazy eyes, put the wand back in her bag, nodded and walked away from what I’m sure she thought was now a blank wall. Fearing for my life, I chose not to mention the display again.

But wait there’s more!

As is par for the course, my lovely wife decided to go with Sally’s recommendations. Therefore, we had to have someone come out and look over our space and take measurements. The man who came out was Shoon Li. I met him at the door, and he seemed quite normal. Then I took him to the kitchen. Mr. Li took one step into the space, turned around, and walked out saying there was too much evil in the room. Now I admit, my cooking isn’t the best, but I wouldn’t call it demonic. Either way, I had to light a foul-smelling candle before he’d enter again. Then before he’d measure anything, I was told the Feng Shui was all wrong. When cooking dinner, we were looking into the setting sun which was causing the environment to be unhappy. There were similar, non-understandable, things going on with the sink and faucet. I was going to have to reroute all the wiring and plumbing just to make my new kitchen an environmentally harmonious place to prepare sustenance. Yea, like that’s going to happen.

Yup, I am scared of crazy people. Then again, I just did a complete comedic post on them. So maybe, I really like them a lot.

Hmmm!