In Sickness

I was feeling terrible, and getting concerned, so I went to the clinic. I was checked out by a nurse who looked like Heidi Klum, but wearing a lot more than what you might see at Victoria’s Secret runway show, which is where I last saw Heidi Klum. This nurse also had several post graduate degrees that put me to shame. Frankly, I was rather embarrassed that all I could think of was she looked like a model. She had brains, and had accomplished great things. The problem was, all I could say when she asked me what was wrong was, “Araguatagu” Pretty girls make my brains turn to mush, leak out my ears, and make a mess all over the floor. Does that ever happen to any of you guys out there? Sadly, a better question might be; Why am I even talking about all this when it has nothing at all to do with my post? So, let’s start again.

Anyway, I went to the clinic and was examined by the nurse-practitioner. After a few tests and a lot of words, I was found to be suffering from Familia Feriatum. When I first heard this I panicked, and started revising my will. My brother-in-law will never get his hands on my new mint-condition, poodle-hair tote bag collector set, no matter how much he cries. But then the nurse explained it to me. This was just the Latin name for an over-abundance of family vacation, or holidays. She prescribed rest, so I could get over my rest period. Makes sense to me!

And in vacation

In reality, it wasn’t a family trip which messed me up. It was just a little jaunt with my daughter, to do some hiking in the woods. You see we have a National Forest about a two-hour drive from where I live, and my daughter is on spring break from high school. If’s that’s not a recipe for disaster? I don’t know what is? My wife was no help. I thought since Princess was on a break, I would get to sleep in every day, the girls would make coffee, and a lovely breakfast for the man of the house. Let’s just say this didn’t happen.

What happened was, I was roused on the first day by a seventeen-year-old girl, and a rabbit. “Baby-Bun-Bun wants to say good morning,” Princess said as she dropped eight pounds of furry muscle on my chest. In truth the bunny did not want to say good morning. She wanted to kick out with her hind legs into my teeth to loosen my fillings, then jump on to my abdomen knocking the wind out of me, and finally launch herself from my groin causing pain in my… Well, you know. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the rabbit was in league with my cat, and hey, maybe I don’t know better.

Next I was sent to get breakfast sandwiches to celebrate. They were celebrating vacation. I was cheering the fact the swelling was going down. After breakfast I was thinking about a nap, but was told I wasn’t. I assured them I was. They assured me I was planning a trip to the national forest.

Guess who won? The planning stage wasn’t difficult. They told me what was going to happen, and I agreed. This is the best way to deal with women on a mission. Afterwards, I was handed a bag, told to pack, and they went shopping for snacks for the trip. About then I realized I probably should have listened more. It really didn’t matter though. Invariably, my wife would come home, tell me I did it wrong, and redo it. It’s a good system. Husbands have been working this way for years.

On the road…

The next day I was again aroused at seven-in-the-morning; Another little detail I missed. We were to be on the road at eight-thirty and I was scheduled to make breakfast while my daughter took a shower. You can see where the ladies planned all this. Well, I did what I was told, loaded up the car, refilled my travel mug with coffee, beat off the cat from scratching me one last time (she misses me when I’m gone), kissed my wife, and my daughter and I were off. Onward into the void, as they say. Boy, the GPS made sure it was a great big void.

Now, the park we were going to is in a national forest. There’s nothing around the forest, but very large farms. Those folks make their own roads, and the state doesn’t care. The driving was murder. The lanes were virtually nonexistent with hills and curves everywhere. You have to drive down the center of the road to be safe. There’s absolutely no way to see if there’s a car coming at you. Then they post a speed of 60 miles-per-hour, that’s 100 kilometers an hour to everyone who’s not American or dead. Is this safe? Next, the roads run into Fred’s farm and make abrupt ninety plus degree turns, as if you could do them at a hundred without an Italian sports car. Some hopes! Then again the tractors which use these roads can’t do over 30, so it all works out.

To a Serial Killing

As I commented about the roads, my daughter noticed this was where many horror movies are staged; Lonely places, on back roads, in the middle of nowhere. As if on cue the GPS had me turn on a trail like road called Goon Road. As if this wasn’t enough to freak me out a little, the road took us into a small town called Widowsville. Princess then set up the scenario, saying it was an evil place women used to get rid of their husbands. I raced through town because my daughter scared me. Then a cop pulled me over for speeding. I calmed down, and pulled over only to be terrified again seeing the police woman. She didn’t give me a ticket, but smiled and suggested I go to the diner for ‘Special Recipe’ meatloaf. I said no thanks, and got the heck out of town. There are no special recipes I want to know about in a place called Widowsville.

We made it to the park and it just so happens it’s famous for two things a great long glacial gorge, and hemlock trees. I’ve read enough mystery stories to hear of hemlock poison, and it’s even the same plant. After the trip I had, even the word messed with my head.

And it was up hill all the way

The gorge, was beautiful though. The issue here was, all the trails started at the river and went up the walls. We planned a day of hiking and it was truly up hill all the way. By the time we made it to the top our water was gone, along with our energy. Yes, getting back to the car was easier, but I was already exhausted when I started down.

We went to a motel, and flopped into our beds. I awoke the next morning sore, but ready for different adventure. My daughter, on the other hand said, “Dad, let’s go back and do those hikes again”

ARGGGGG!