Thinking Deep Thoughts

Every so often I sit back to ponder one of life’s great ponderables. Usually, the process of pondering ponderables, is precluded by pondering a peckish place, which promptly places my ponderings precisely upon pizza. And as we all know, pizza promptly replaces all previous ponderings, period.  Bet you can’t say that five times real fast.

In case you didn’t understand a word of that. Which frankly, I didn’t either. It simply means. Whenever I sit and think, I get hungry, and forget what I was thinking about. This is actually a reason it is good to have semi-adult children around the house. It’s not that they will keep you focused on one topic. It’s they’re always hungry. I no longer feel guilty when my mind strays to the topic of food. I can send them to get the food, and feel great about sharing it. It’s a Win-Win. However, I have recently learned, this only works while the children live at home. Not that I want them to live at home forever. Heavens No! I most assuredly want them to leave the nest.

Others Thinking Thoughts

Sadly though, I hadn’t planned on what would happen when they lived at college. In college, there isn’t ever enough money to eat. So, this doesn’t distract them from pondering, and students love to ponder. To hear my son tell it, students get together in groups, and instead of going to the movie, or playing a game, or making out, or doing something else which might be fun, they sit around and ponder life’s ponderables. They don’t have time to enjoy themselves. It is their dutiful responsibility to think about the world, and worry. If someone happens to come up with a solution to a specific issue, it must me thrashed to a bloody pulp, and dismissed as completely undoable because those in power are greedy and corrupt. Certainly nothing positive or optimistic can come out of these sessions. This would be counter-intuitive.

Worry not though. Mr. Ohh! has enough positive energy to beat down all college pessimism. Or at least I thought I did. You see my son came to me the other day with his summer vacation plans, and I thought I would vomit. First, he said he wanted to make the world a better place. So far so good. Having the world be a better place could actually make him a lot of cash, and by default, raise my standard of living as well. Next, he said he was moving to the country. Again good, farming is the backbone of the world, he’ll always have food. Then came the bomb, He wasn’t going to do any of those things, he was going to become a hermit. You heard it right folks, he wanted to make the world better by sitting in a cave, and playing the ukulele.

Thought about Others

I reminded him an endeavor such as this, would require at least some cash to get started. I was chastised, and informed, money was not important when you were pure of heart and had the true spirit. Then I asked where he would get food? His answer was simple; I was going to pay for that. I asked about gear, medicine, and other supplies as well. It seemed I was paying for these things too. Apparently, money isn’t important, because it comes from your father with no questions asked.

Before I could I could correct him from this major error in his ways, he came up with another one. He informed me the reason he was getting a biology degree, was it would give him a heads-up on edible plants he might find. Also, if he were to injure or poison himself he would know all the natural anti-toxins from taking Biology 101. That must be one heck of a class. I warned him. He might not be as prepared as he thought, but he pressed harder. His enthusiasm really made me think.

Old thoughts

You see, my friends had all this blind optimism way back when as well. My best friend has a Masters Degree in entrepreneurship. He currently stocks shelves nights at a big box chain grocery store, and loves it. Another friend, who spent four years studying marketing, now drives for DoorDash, and thinks he has the greatest job in the world. An ex-girlfriend did eight plus years to get a medical degree then had kids. She decided to stay home with them for a while and edited books part-time. She never went back.

I myself have an electronic engineering degree, and I… What do I do? I spend my work day schmoozing clients while my company finishes their projects. Not what I’d call my first career choice, but I get a lot of free lunches, travel, and I spend quite a bit of my company’s money. Also, for the record, I never saw this position in any college catalogue anyplace. I did not take any butt kissing classes, it just happened to be what I’m good at. The best part is I get paid for it. Almost no one I know is actually doing the job they studied for in college. Our lives all took sharp left turns to Plan B. The opposite happens as well. My neighbor worked in a steel mill for fifteen years until he was laid off. His wife convinced him to get a nursing degree. Now, he has ten years at the clinic. You just never know.

New Thought

So, the question becomes; Why are we trying? You ain’t going to do what you study anyway, so why study? Mr. Ohh! has the solution. Give up! Don’t aspire to be anything. Every student should graduate high school, then retire on their parent’s pension. Now before you say, “NO WAY, this could happen,” just listen to the details. Think about it. When a kid graduates high school he or she is the most optimistic they will ever be. Therefore, they are also the most antsy. So, get them out of the house. Parents are still young enough to enjoy themselves without junior Hanging around to muck everything up.

Next, and this is the biggie, after a very short time the kid will get bored, and scream, “This world sucks!” At this point they’re hooked, they will beg to get a job, just to get away from dad’s restrictions. After they have a job, they find out working sucks too. They begin to look at folks like, well… Mr. Ohh! and realize they can get a job kissing. butt and it’s not so bad. That’ll force them to go back to school.

I figure, the timeline for retirement is about eighteen to twenty-one. The bad job phase will last till about thirty. They’re in college until thirty-four. Which, by the way, dad does not have to pay for. Then they work until… oh about… death, because they’ve already been retired and didn’t like it. The benefits of this system are obvious.

Ohh Just Forget It

Now some of you will complain and whine, “What about the percentage of kids who liked retirement.” Well, there will always be weirdos, and fast-food places seem to collect them already.

Maybe in the new system, they’ll finally get my order right!