Cart Wars ep II Attack Of The Phones

It starts with children

There is a children’s song which poses the question; Do your ears hang low? What are we doing to our children? Doesn’t the younger generation have enough self-esteem issues without having the simplest of songs looking for deformities? Whatever happened to Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes? Sure, it’s trite. Yes, you spend the whole song repetitively pointing out body parts. BORING! But you aren’t pointing out the poor child’s deformities. Also, don’t get me started about The Wheels on The Bus. I did an entire post on the problems of that song, and even with all its problems, it still doesn’t look at a kid and say, “Hey your ears make you look like a freak.”

Then there’s the bigger question, which only a man of Mr. Ohh!’s caliber could think of; Why would anyone create such a song. My first thought was, it was just for fun. Of course, I threw that theory out immediately because it made way, way too much sense. As you all know, I have proven time and again that nothing in this world makes sense. So, I had to dig deeper. Even the great and powerful Google is confused on this issue. It actually gave me three dates which might have been the origin. The first was 1838 and was not referring to ears, but the balls on George Washington’s old hound dog. It was a common comical bar song, then became a kids tune later like so many other things. The second was 1860, and supposedly referred to the hanging heads of textile mill workers. Again, later if was changed. The third was around 1900 where it was written as a children’s song for no reason at all. Well, in the spirit of so much research done by cooperate America, I decided to dispense with all the facts, and pick the date most convenient with my agenda. It’s the American way. Therefore, you all should ignore the last paragraph and listen to only this, “Mr. Ohh! has done extensive research and concluded the song, Do Your Ears Hang Low, was written around 1900, and this all makes sense, because of what I’m going to tell you from here on out.”

It moves to science and history

The reason I’m using around 1900 as my starting point for this song is that the telephone was invented in 1861 by Phillip Reis. Before you all start screaming at me that it was Alexander Graham Bell in 1876. I’ll have you know that I’m right, as I always am. Look it up. Reis invented it, Bell made it work and got the patent. In fact, there’s also some controversy involving Elisha Grey who invented the water microphone also in 1876. Some say he invented the phone or, at least. worked with Bell. Either way, Bell stole it all for himself, got the patents, made a billion dollars, and became a great American hero. Is this a great country or what? Where even the child of immigrants can grow up to be a crook, revered by the world over. But, I’m starting to sound like a highly intelligent, well researched, science post. Enough of that krap!

You see it really doesn’t matter who invented the telephone, because it looks like it’s here to stay. I’ve seen pictures, and from 1900 on the telephone has always played a vitally important role. In WWII the allies made it a point to destroy phone lines whenever they could to disrupt communication, and make sure the German officers couldn’t call for a date with their girlfriends. This proved to be a great strategy. Without feminine companionship, the officers grew frustrated and cranky. Cranky officers yell too much. Subordinates, who are even more frustrated by the way, get mad at cranky officers, and refuse to listen. This causes confusion at critical moments so the allies who can call their girlfriends come in and take over. It’s been the same since Hannibal, the army hearing sweet words of love can beat the snot out of anybody.

Heck, Hannibal didn’t have any phones. He brought his wife with him. I wonder how that worked out. “Hannibal, honey after your siege of Silarus, could you bring home some eggs? I’d do it myself but Yaccan and I are planning a spa day and I’m not sure my nails will be dry.” Yea, maybe having the phone around is really the better plan, but I digress.

The phone is forever

Talking on the phone so much is what makes your ears deformed, and therefore hang low. I imagine it was a lot worse the phone was stuck to one place with the bulky handle. I’ve used those things as a tot, and they were atrocious. Of course, it would be funny to put a millennial in a locked room. Then tell them all the had to do was to call you to get out. They’d starve. Write the directions on the wall in cursive, and this would become the greatest, young person, Escape Room ever. But I’m digressing again.

The thing about phones is that it used to be every house had a single line. And when I say line I mean line. It was wired to the wall. As I also understand it you did not own you phone, the phone company did. If you didn’t pay the bill, they came and took it away. Easy Peasy. Now it’s all changed. Everybody owns their own phone, and they carry it with them wherever they go. With the advent of this, there is now a phone store on every street corner. Sometimes two or three. I myself have two phones in my pocket right now. One was given to me by my job and one is my personal phone. It’s really gotten out of hand.

But it has changed

I was watching TV the other night for half an hour and I saw six ads for phones. Three were the same phone in different colors. They all advertised the great movies you could make, the great cameras, the shows you could watch, and games you could play. Not one said you could talk on the phone. I asked my children about this.

I was informed you don’t talk on the phone anymore. Calling someone is rude. Now I’ve seen young-people texting back and forth for an hour when a minute call would have been better. But to hear that calling is rude! So actually, speaking to another human person is an invasion of their privacy? I remember looking at a phone and ignoring it, this is what caller ID is for. Now, you have to hear this correctly; Blatantly ignoring another person is not rude, talking to them is. Does this make sense to anyone out there?

Sadly Only to get more confusing

I was so perplexed I went to a store, and acted like a customer asking about a new phone. I was told about Netflix, service options, data rates, gigs of usage, and plans, but nothing about a phone. When I asked again, and pointed to a certain model, I found out it came in five colors. I asked what the device actually did? I was told to Google the specific apps.

Well, don’t my ears hang low!

How about a cup?

Hey everyone, before you go I just need one more minute of your time. Do you like my stuff? If you do, we should get together for coffee. That’s probably not possible so why not buy me a cup of coffee to show how you feel. It’s real easy just click below. Thanks a bunch for reading and listening



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