Things

Have you ever done a thing? Then another thing happens, and all of a sudden you think of a third thing. Which should be a thing completely unrelated to the other things, but after thing-ing the things a bit longer, you find both things tell you things about the third thing. The third thing being the important thing, that brings things together. I guess the thing I’m really trying to say is; It’s high time I exposed the lies that we all call Kindergarten!

Yes Kindergarten! Here in America, the first year of our formal education. The first chance we, as five-year-olds, venture away from our parents to explore new boundaries, eat paste, and wet our pants in front of perfect strangers. All the joys of growing up.

Things building into other things

Before I continue, let me explain what happened to make me achieve this true eureka moment. You see, I got a letter in the mail asking for money to plant trees in our local parks. I thought about this. Trees are where birds live. I like birds. If there were no trees, the birds would become homeless. Homeless birds would be standing on street-corners unwashed, panhandling for birdseed, and making trouble pooping on the sidewalk. I have enough trouble with bird poop as it is. I don’t need gangs of bird hoodlums running amuck up and down the neighborhood. Therefore, I concluded trees are good, and sent them fifty dollars.

Very soon after, my mother sent me a photo she found of my Kindergarten class, complete with our teacher Miss Frazzled. Years of experience made me look at the picture differently. Yes, there were twenty smiling tots, but looking closely at Miss Frazzled showed a truth I never saw before. Her eyes showed evidence of crying away the wasted cash she paid for her college degree. Her shoulders sagged; in an understanding she might never get a lover. I even smelled traces of alcohol on her breath. Of course, this could have been the chemicals used in the developing process, but I’m still betting she was a heavy drinker. We will never know. This was the first thing.

The second thing happened days after I got the photo. Nine conservation charities wrote me to ask for money. I couldn’t believe it. Just because I gave to one charity, suddenly they all knew me, by name, and they all expected me to send cash to prevent homeless birds everywhere. Thinking back on Miss Frazzled’s lessons, I remembered her words quite vividly, “Sharing is good. It’s nice to share.” Then I thought about the cost of sending cash to everybody. I’d go broke in a heartbeat. If I shared, I’d need other folks to share just to get back on my feet. If I didn’t share I’d be fine. Miss Frazzle was wrong! Sharing is kind of “Okay,” but it’s certainly not good. She lied to us. This realization caused my large Mr. Ohh! brain to wonder; What other lies were given to me in this most formidable year of my life? Believe me it did not take long to find the next one.

Things I thought I knew

I was so messed up by learning this new fact, I had to sit back and relax a bit. I decided to watch TV, something which could never lie to me. Right? In less than five minutes I was seeing girls in wearing bikinis. BOOM, went my brain, as I remembered Justine Ames. Justine was in my kindergarten class, and she had a peculiar habit. If she got jelly on her face, up went the skirt to wipe her face. If she made a mistake, up went the skirt to hide her embarrassment. If a boy handed her a toy, up went the skirt to act a little coy. If pretty much anything happened, up went Justine’s skirt, and we all saw her underwear. Now, are you ready for the lie? Every time this happened, Miss Frazzle said, “Girls don’t show their underwear, Justine. It’s not right.” Lie Lie Lie!

You pick any form of media, print, broadcast, or online, and within five minutes you will see a girl in their underwear. Not only will you see it, but the actors and models who do it make a ton of cash. Some of you might say, “It’s not all underwear, most of it is bikinis.” You’re not conning me. Bikini is just Polynesian for Underwear on The Beach. Justine wasn’t wrong, she was just ahead of the curve. I will admit, my children are older, so I have no idea what the current line on underwear is. Frankly I don’t want to know. That’s probably a fourth thing all by itself, and I really don’t need any more things.

Tangible things

And It’s not just life lessons they lie about. Take counting for instance. Everyone has to learn the numbers from one to ten. Great. You don’t even have to wait until adulthood before that lie comes out. In second grade you learn fractions, and the lie is revealed. Think about it. Four is bigger that two, always and forever, this is a law. The thing is, not in fractions. If you put one over them both, ¼ is smaller than the ½ so the four is not bigger any more is it. So much for the law. Then you learn two plus two is four; another law. Suddenly, with ones on top of the twos, when you add them you get one. It’s so confusing.

Another thing you’re supposed to learn is your colors, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple, Black, Brown, that’s all you need. They even come in a small box ready for the chomping, oops, I mean using. However, this is not all of them, no matter how many times Miss Frazzle lies and tries to tell you it is. If I knew where to find her, I would take her to a paint store, and show her just how many colors there really are. It would probably blow her poor kindergarten-teacher little mind to see all those swatches. Next I’d pick up a sample of teal, and ask if it was blue or green? If she survived that, I’d tell her to move up to teaching junior high while there was still a chance at redemption.

And terrible things which must be exposed

The most heinous lie perpetrated by kindergarten teachers since the beginning of time, I hesitate to mention, because of the great controversy I’m going to cause. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next great war starts over these next few words, but like every great journalist says, “The truth must be told.” So here goes; Kindergartens all over try to lie and tell us that, “Glitter Is Good.” Glitter is not good!  Glitter is the greatest evil of all time. I’m still cleaning up glitter from when my kids were in kindergarten eleven-years-ago!

The thing is, my daughter is now old enough to want to wear make-up. And what’s in half the make-up in the world? Glitter! I gave her a hug last week, and I still look like a freaking Christmas tree. Of course, it doesn’t come of in the shower.

I’m Sparkly, and I don’t like it!