Yea It’s Virtual…

When I was younger I was addicted to playing something called ‘Interactive Fiction’ which was just a bunch of difficult puzzling situations in a row until you achieved a goal. In retrospect, it was a lot like raising children, but with more positive feedback. Plus, those games took way less than twenty years to complete. Lately, I only play electronic games when I find time to relax. About an hour every two to four weeks.

Now I openly admit, computer games are not reality, but something still has to be said about the unreality of it all. It has oft been said that comics are drawn by geeky guys who fanaticize way too much about their characters. Because of this, the women are way to busty, and impossibly curvy, while the men all look like either muscle bound idiots, or bearded wisemen.  Okay, I can understand this as far as it goes, but what about their battle armor?

But it’s certainly not reality!

You see, my sons asked me to play a battle game recently, and one of my warriors was a warlord princess. She wore a cape, and a steel bikini. Like that was going to protect her from anything. Of course, all the men had full-body armor covering. All vital areas protected in case of attack, but not her. Nope. She knew if her loins and boobs were covered in metal… Well, most of her boobs anyway. Okay, just a small fraction of her boobs, but that’s not the point. She somehow knew no one would try to put a blade in her abdomen. Why is that? If I was an opposing warrior, that’s the first place I would try to stab her.

In fact, the lore of the game states; The reason she is fighting beside you, is because she’s looking for the person who stabbed her handmaiden in the back. If you have an enemy, known for stabbing folks in the back, wouldn’t you protect your back? That’s what I would think, but no. This lady would rather protect her tan-lines.

Mom is watching

In another game I’ve seen, the characters are teens, defending us all from evil spirits. Well good for them. The thing is, they all wear Japanese school uniforms. Hey, I have nothing against school uniforms. I wore one myself back in the day. The thing is, my mother got seriously upset if I got it dirty or torn. I would be punished for a week. They all have back packs. Can’t they change into their regular clothes before fighting evil? I mean, what would their parents say? “Sure, you overthrew the seven furies of Hell, and the demon Cragmoth. But you tore your good skirt and got blood on that blouse. You’re grounded for a week, until you learn to take care of your uniform. And don’t talk to me about fire monsters. Your hoodlum friends will just have to defeat it without you.”

This is just the battle games my kids like. I myself like mystery games. Those are just as confusing. Think about this; You’re walking around the woods and you see a rope holding the tools you require. You need a knife to cut the rope. Three screens away you find the knife, so you go back, cut the rope, and get the tools. Yea! BUT, the knife just vanishes. Poof! Where did it go? Who knows? Is my character in this game so stupid that I would just throw away a knife? A knife is a handy thing to have. I would like to keep it, but the game says no.

If they only had a brain

As a matter of fact, later in this very same game, I come across a net I have to cut. I have to find another knife. Why? I already had one. The stupid game took it away. Didn’t it know I would need it again? Who codes this stuff? Apparently they’re not paying attention to themselves. If a writer did this in a book, the public would go nuts. Writers are expected to keep track of what they do across several novels, and coders don’t even need to make sense across the same game. It’s just not fair.

And it’s not just games either. The new Barbie movie was just released. Now, I haven’t seen it, which makes me eminently qualified to review it. There aren’t any spoilers here because I don’t know a thing about it. *** NO SPOILER ALERT *** NO SPOILER ALERT *** I’ve always wanted to do that. According to the trailer, which I’ve seen, Barbie lives in Barbieland and must go to the real world because she’s having an existential crisis. Their words, not mine. Once there, she has no clue what is going on. WRONG!

This girl’s got heart

Barbie came on the scene in 1959 which means she is sixty-four years old. She’s old enough to know what’s going on. Also, she started out as a fashion model. I’ve known four models. Admittedly, they couldn’t do calculus, but they know about the world at large. In fact, two of them are very savvy business women. Next we have the fact, Barbie has had two-hundred careers, including astronaut, paratrooper, robotics engineer, microbiologist, and NFL cheerleader. Sorry ladies, I had to toss in the last one. I’m still a guy. Either way, no matter how you look at it, this is one highly educated woman. Even if she did have a crisis of some kind she could probably treat herself, as she was a psychologist in 2019.

Some folks say Barbie is bad, and I agree. Look the girl has been stringing along the same guy since 1961. Ken is always just a friend, yet she’s had him on the hook for sixty-two years. And they say men can’t commit. I’m sure the excuse must have been, “Yea Ken, I’ve been to the moon but I haven’t been a veterinarian yet.” Actually, she was a vet in 1985 so what happened after that who knows. Maybe she’s waiting till she wins the Nobel Peace Prize which surprisingly, she hasn’t happened yet.

Therefore, we must conclude the Barbie movie is completely inaccurate. What I would like to see is an accurate movie. Can you imagine that on the big screen? Or Netflix? The lead character has had two-hundred careers in sixty years. That’s between three and four careers every year. Of course, the whole time she’s going to school for something other than what she’s doing. Then again she’s been an astronaut twice, once to the moon, and once on the space shuttle. So, I’m sure there was minimal training for the second. She’s also been six kinds of veterinarian. So again, that’s just serious overachieving.

Someday someone will have the courage to do it right

Frankly, I don’t think Barbie should be making movies, she should be the spokeswoman for espresso machines. “Yes Folks, this is the latte that helped Barbie have two hundred careers. Think of what it can do for the soccer moms and band moms of the world.”

Also, according to the trailer, Barbie is also a ditzy blonde. I think she’s faking. She probably has a nuclear device tucked under that poofy dress, waiting for the right moment to be a physicist.

Oh, wait, she’s already done that.