I’m Sorry

Well, another Holiday season has come and gone, and frankly I’m feeling a bit guilty. Sorry to say, but I did very little that was requested of me. For instance, Maria Carey has been screaming, “All I want for Christmas is you” for thirty years now, and I never showed up.

Hey, she has a lot more cash that I do. If she wanted me so badly, she could have jumped on a plane and come here. I mean, she lives just as far from me as I do from her. I would have even met her halfway if she contacted me directly. But no! She just kept screaming she wanted me for this holiday on the radio, over and over. She also never considered my wife and children. Let’s be fair here. Don’t just scream your request over the air and hope I show up. You have to provide me with some details.

Then there’s that chick screaming that, “Last Christmas she gave me her heart.” I don’t even know who she is. I didn’t mean to reject her love, but again, I’m happily married. If she would’ve stopped by, called, or even texted me, I would have explained things to her. But no, she just keeps screaming to the world how insensitive I am. This kind of thing could seriously ruin the reputation of Mr. Ohh!. Maybe I can sue for libel. Or is it slander? Whatever.

But I have an excuse

I do understand how such a handsome man as myself, could cause these feelings. I know what my charisma does to women. The thing is they just can’t leave me hanging like this. There’s a billboard sign near my house with a pretty girl sitting in the passenger seat of a new convertible saying, “I want you in the driver’s seat of this new car.” Look lady, whoever you are, save the money you spend on billboards and just Google me.

You’ll find out, I’m in a steady relationship. You’ll cry for a few weeks, eat several cartons of ice cream, buy a cat, and then you can get on with your life. The same with all those girls sobbing on the music services. I promise these steps will help. Then again if the cat you get is anything like mine it’ll eat you alive, and you’ll forget about me much sooner. See, it all works out.

Then there’s Don Henly. He yells, “Please come home for Christmas.” I’m home Don! Duh! If this is some kind of sad invitation, you’ve got to provide more details. Don’t cry if I don’t show up, when you haven’t told me where I’m supposed to go. Really, I had vacation time accrued. I’ve been home for the last week-and-a-half. I would have loved to hang out with you. Frankly, my wife would have probably wanted me to leave, and stop being underfoot. But this is beside the point.

It’s not my fault

Yup, I seriously disappointed a lot of folks this year. I never decked my halls with holly. I cried and pouted at various times. Even though I knew Santa Claus was coming to town. Also, I never drove a one-horse open sleigh with jingle bells. Then again, I can still do that sleigh thing. We’ll probably have snow for another two months. I probably won’t. But I could.

On the other hand, if I someone came climbing down the chimney, I’d probably try to have him arrested. Even if he could prove he was only trying to give stuff to my kids. More people depressed. This time it would be all the children in the world. Boy, when I piss people off, I piss off a lot of them.

That’s my story

You can call me a Scrooge if you like. Just don’t call three sprits yet. Wait until I can set up the TV deal. I would like to add my story to the other million and six versions of Dicken’s A Christmas Carol. Or was it A Christmas Susan? Maybe Cheryl? Either way, if I’m going to be visited by three specters, as well as my dead partner’s ghost, I want to be paid for the movie rights in advance. That’s the reason Ebeneezer gets so upset every year. His story is being told thousands of times each year and not a brass farthing goes to his estate.

On the other hand, Santa keeps renegotiating his media contracts every five years. How else does he get supplies, and pay elf salaries? Also, it’s the only reason I can think of for him to deface himself every so often, and have some celebrity save Christmas. He didn’t really need saving; he just needs to keep up the payments on his Tahiti condo. Seriously, I think Scrooge needs to look up Santa’s legal team. Don’t you?

And I’m sticking to it

Getting back to my original point; Yes, I upset a lot of folks over this past holiday, but that’s because everybody also upset me. I’m like Lucy in that classic Peanuts cartoon. She says she never gets what she wants for Christmas; Real Estate.

No, I don’t want real estate, I want, and have always wanted, the original twelve gifts of Christmas. Those days run from December 25th until January 6th. We’re in the middle of that time frame, and I haven’t received one lousy partridge in a pear tree. I didn’t even get a pear from the freaking tree. Let alone the bird. Not any hens French or even American. No turtle doves, white doves, cooing doves, pigeons (which are genetically related to doves), or even Dove Soap. I mean, Dove Chocolate would have been nice. But I didn’t get that either.

I have my reasons

As always, I did get some very nice gift cards, any I truly thank the people who gave them to me. If you haven’t sent yours yet, I’m still accepting holiday gifts until January 6^th. Non-holiday gifts I accept all the time. Just saying.

That being said, none of the received cards is good for one goose-a-laying, let alone six. I did get one from my favorite farmer’s market. However, when I asked, they refused to sell me eight maids-a-milking saying something about me not being allowed to own other people. I didn’t even get a chance to bring up the ladies dancing. The owner threw me out.

I did get a large bottle of bourbon which, I guess, could make me act like a lord-a-leaping. Also, I guess, if I drank enough, I could possibly see ten of me. But this brings us to another problem. If I did drink that much, I certainly would not want twelve drummers drumming around the next morning. Not to mention eleven pipers piping. No, I want the stuff given in the traditional way, not chemically induced.

12 of them

Now, there is the fact each of these gifts is mentioned more than once and in rising numbers. Well, I’m not greedy. In could easily accept one of each gift. I get it, things are expensive. I actually went to a store and appraised five golden catnip rings for Capn’ blood. Expensive!

Yes, I bought them. Even though I didn’t get my list, I learned years ago, it pays to keep the cat happy.

Happy New Year and a happy cat. Life is good