Hello to the world from Mr. Ohh!’s Sideways View. I just got my report from Google Analytics and I have reached an interesting milestone. This month I had more hits from the rest of the world than I did from the USA. Of course, America is only six percent of the landmass of the world so we’re actually saying ninety-four percent of the world is bigger than six percent, and I knew that, even before yesterday. Then again since I live in the United States, I just assumed that’s where my audience would be. The internet has changed all that. Mr. Ohh! is global. I may rename myself Global Ohh!. Or Not! That would be silly. Only a decadent American would do that.
Of course, I’ve seen the world on television and I guess I am a decadent American. I’ve seen how folks in poor countries have to walk three blocks from the bus to their job, and don’t even pass a Starbucks. They have to buy fresh produce, baked goods, and meats from open-air markets instead of going to a crowed big-box store and get processed stuff full of salt and preservatives. It must be terrible not to know the subtle flavor of mono-sodium-di-hydro-thiamazide and have to endure what strawberries really taste like.
Oh, the pain of walking along the English countryside and watching them beat their laundry on rocks. It’s almost criminal that I grew up with cement roads instead of dirt paths, two pairs of underwear, and a tricycle. Of course, I don’t ride the tricycle very often anymore, but it’s nice to know I have it. The guilt and shame of it all. I feel terrible. Ohhhh! Okay, I’m better now.
In truth, I don’t know anything about the rest of the world. I’ve never been there. Other bloggers tell me it’s similar to where I live, but the news media wants me to believe everywhere else is some kind of barren landscape. Where the poor feast on rat-burgers and acorns, and they use tea-bags three times. Look I don’t trust the media but it does make one wonder what their agenda is. Why do they want me to think the rest of the world is worse off than the surface of the moon? I think it’s a scheme to get money. Why do I think that? Because It’s always a scheme to get money. I once saw an opportunity to buy real estate on Jupiter. The slogan was “Once It’s colonized your grandchildren will be rich. Get in on the ground floor.” The thing is, Jupitar will never be colonized. No one can live there, and there isn’t any real estate either. It’s made of gas, and you can’t walk or grow a decent lawn on gas. Uncle Bernie can make gas. Oh boy he can. It may smell thick enough, but he can’t walk on it.
So, since I have no clue what it’s like in the rest of the world, I will continue in my own inhibitable fashion. If you are poor and eating bugs for lunch, remember crabs and lobsters are just ocean bugs, and we stupid Americans pay up to eighty bucks for half a dozen crabs, and half a lobster can go for sixty. You might be poor, but you’re sure a lot smarter than we are.
So welcome world to this post. I have a question for you. What is your news media telling you about automobiles? The reason I ask is frankly I’m scared for my life. You see I’m hearing a lot about Self-Driving cars. There is talk of them bringing pizza and groceries, becoming your Uber driver, trucking goods across the country, and delivering packages. I wonder if they will be programed to run over the corner of the lawn and trash the hedge every time like the regular driver does?
Road rage will have a whole new meaning. How does one give a one fingered salute to a driverless car? Then again will there be a screen installed so the car can be programed to give one back to you. Can’t you just see it. You cut off a driverless vehicle and the car catches up. A TV in the back lights up with a smiley face, displays a single finger, then “Have a nice day!” I’m sure it’s be worse to be dissed by a computer. Then again what if two driverless vehicles start competing with each other. Can’t you just see two machines flipping each other off as they drive down the road?
What if you never tip your Uber driver. A person has to grumble and take it, but a driverless car could look at your record. With AI, decide you’re not worth it, and sacrifice itself by locking the doors and driving off a bridge. The possibilities are endless.
Then there are the new car commercials. Those cars drive super-fast or up mountains or across deserts to prove they’re cool in commercials. They have computers in them too. What if you’re a wimp and buy an SUV for the style? You’re out running errands and thinking you look good. The thing is you drive the boring roads so much that the macho car gets fed up and one day decides it can’t stand it anymore and takes off across country. The car is loving it while you’re screaming and getting more and more lost. Next it runs out of gas and you’re stuck in the middle of Wyoming with no food or water, and you probably forgot your phone because you thought you were just going to the store for beer and chips.
It could be even worse. The car I’m really afraid of is the Mustang. The commercials all show it zooming down the road at top speed. You bought it to get girls, but you’re a nerd who follows rules. Sadly, the mustang is a wild thing and the car might decide it needs to run and run fast. Suddenly you’re going two-hundred KPH down a side street and the cops are following you with lights flashing and sirens blaring. The car will love this, and probably rear up on its back wheels, make a sharp turn and take off at top speed. It lives for the thrill of the chase while you just want to hide under the bed. The good thing is it will soon all be over, but I guarantee, no officer will accept this excuse, “I’m sorry Sir but the AI in my car decided I was a wimp and wanted me to know how fast it could go. It’s not my fault.” All I can say is; Welcome to Prison!
So, world, I will say I do like the scooters the media tells me you drive around, but this could be a lie also. I guess the only way to know what’s out there is to go there, become a world traveler, and see the sights. Then again, the media told me, people in rest of the world talk in different languages. Now who’s going to believe that. The crazy things they try to convince us Americans of.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On