Welcome Christmas Fa who foraze

Well, the Christmas season is upon us. Now, I know the reason for the season and why we celebrate. Plus, it’s very important to donate to various charities and help at food banks this time of year, but I’m also very greedy. I love to get gifts. Experience has taught me that the best way to get more gifts is to give more gifts.  Therefore, I have become one of the giftiest people around. I’m all about making folks feel guilty and say, “Ohh, you shouldn’t have. I didn’t get you anything.” Of course, I just laugh it off and say it was my pleasure, because I know that the next time, I see that person I will be lavished with presents. If you know how to play the game, being Santa is great.

Being a lazy procrastinator is bad… Maybe

The issue is I am also one of the laziest people you will ever meet. I mean Procrastinator is my middle name. Really! I’m thinking my mother was getting back at me for an extra-long labor. It was terrible when I was in school. Imagine when the teacher was taking attendance; She’d say, William Oats, and the kid in front of me would call out “Here.” Next, she’d call J. Procrastinator Ohh, the others would laugh and I would be humiliated. I guess you all now have some insight as to how I turned out the way I did, but I should probably move on.

Being this lazy, I’m always running at the last minute to buy my gifts. Also, because I buy so many gifts it seems it’s always the last minute for somebody or another. Last year my Uncle Robert was going to be passing through on December first. My wife insisted I go out a few days before, but I never do that. Consequently, I was still at the store when he arrived. To avoid being an idiot, I climbed the rose trellis, scratching the heck out of my arms, snuck in the upstairs bedroom window, scraping my leg on the sharp edges, grabbed a towel to clean up the blood, stuck my head under the shower to wet my hair, while trying to remove thorns from my flesh, changed my shirt to get rid of the evidence of grass stains and ran down the stairs apologizing, saying I was in the shower. As I was giving my uncle his gift, I found out my wife had already told him I was at the store and all the subterfuge and blood were for naught.

I will change my ways… also Maybe

It was at that moment I decided I was never going to be a Last-Minute-Charlie ever again. However, sadly I was destined to fail. I told you my middle name is Procrastinator. I was still at the stores on December twenty-fourth, eagerly snagging anything left on the shelves, and still needing several more gifts. I was ashamed. I even punished myself. I made myself stand in a corner for five hours. It was very harsh. Luckily my blood type is Be Positive and I couldn’t watch myself suffer all day like that. I took pity on myself, and after a minute or so, feeling I had suffered enough. I told myself I had learned my lesson and let myself get back to life. But I’ll tell you that was the toughest ninety seconds I ever spent. I’ll never be bad again. Yea, Right!!

Changing is hard

You see after so many years of acting in a certain way everybody expects it from me. I want to change my ways, but my family and friends won’t let me. Take my sister for instance; She has received a six-pack of toilet tissue and a ten-pound bag of potatoes from me for the last fifteen Christmases. It’s tradition. Well, not really, it’s all that’s left when I go shopping. The thing is, I wanted this year to be different. I called her in the middle of November and asked her what she wanted. She was shocked and said, “Well, A nine-pack of tissue would be nice this year.” I said, “No what do you really want?” She was so surprised, our conversation ended up sounding like a bad version of the Spice Girls.

ME: So, tell me what you want, what you really want.

HER: I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want

ME: So, tell me what you want, what you really want.

HER: I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want

ME: So, tell me what you want, what you really want.

HER:  I wanna really, really, really wanna zigaziga-ah

Please answer me one question. Where does one purchase a Zigaziga-ah? I have no doubt it’s available at the local big-box store, but you can never get any help at those places. After looking for over an hour I did find someone to ask and all she did was look me funny and call security. Man, there is just no holiday spirit these days at all.

But one must keep trying

Speaking of the other holidays, I have a Hindu friend who recently decided to slowly rid himself of worldly possessions. You think you have friends who are hard to buy for. Last week we were doing a show together and afterward grabbed a coffee. I asked him about the holidays, and at that moment an old Steve Winwood song was playing over the café PA system. He smiled and said that was what he wanted. This man wanted me to Bring Him a Higher Love! I mean he’s a friend, so that’s a medium level love. I have a higher love for my wife and kids, but I’m sorry. He’s a nice guy, but he just doesn’t qualify. Let’s face it, you just can’t go to the store and pick up higher love along with a better watch and more expensive jewelry. He’s getting toilet tissue this year as well. Unless of course I can find that elusive Zigaziga-ah. If they’re not too expensive, that might be a good gift.

Then there’s Rose. She’s one of those folks that have kind of adopted my family. She’s a really nice person and usually normally hilariously funny, but she just recently broke up with her longtime boyfriend, so right now she’s kind of mopey. Anyway, Rose was having coffee with my wife and I tried my new strategy on her. She started to get all weepy and went all Whitney Houston on me saying, “I Wanna Dance with Somebody Who Loves Me!” I guess she’d not over him yet.

Success?

Well, I may not know what a Zigaziga-ah is, and I don’t where to shop for A Higher Love, but this was a gift I could give and on time. I put on a CD and asked Rose to dance. It was a sweet moment, and Rose liked it a lot except for one thing. I can’t dance. I mean I really can’t dance. I stepped all over her feet, and couldn’t keep a beat for schnarts. Rose sat back down and had to soak her feet.

Or Failure

Well, I guess she’s getting toilet tissue like the rest of them. Well, the good thing is they still have that in the stores on Christmas Eve.