A mother is a blessed creature
I have a lovely wife and three wonderful children and they think the world of me. Yes, Mr. Ohh! is truly blessed to have a family that loves him unconditionally, as long as he’s doing exactly what they want him to do at exactly the time they want him to do it. At least I hope this is the case. I’m a father and not a mother after all.
Without a doubt, the mother is truly a sacred creature. Born in the bosom of heaven, she is the creator of life, embodiment of all that is good, and for some strange reason, the one who can humble a five-hundred-pound monster with just a look. A man would look at that beast and start throwing punches to defend his family. A mother in the same position would just say, “Leave my son alone”, throw it the evil eye, and the great hulking thing would cower in a corner. Why? No one knows. In fact, I once suggested to my local police department that they should toss the body armor out the window and hire four or five elderly ladies to handle gang violence. Even the toughest tattooed and pierced gang member is afraid of his grandmother. As well he should be.
Sadly I’m a father
Fathers don’t have such powers, so we have to sometimes search the clues to see if we are reaching the higher echelons of the family status. I don’t want to brag but I think I have. The clues are there. I get to drive the minivan; this is a task mothers do not give up easily. I share PTA duties with my wife, and I notice very few fathers can say that. My daughter screams at me saying I’m ruining her life. All of this is very positive, all though that last one is iffy. My daughter is sixteen and I’m coming to find out that if you can’t sing on the pop charts, pretty much everyone over the age of twenty is ruining her life. Yesterday, an Amazon delivery driver was delivering something for her and asked if she might walk it from the street to the door, where she was going anyway. My daughter rolled her eyes and sighed when she got into the house and told me the driver was ruining her life. Well, I guess I’m not all that special.
You can make dad points though
All this being said I did make some serious dad points this month when I took my sons to their mostly annual international video game tournament. I say mostly annual, because it was annual then was shut down for the virus scare and this year it came back. However, there is another virus on the horizon, so who knows about next year? The boys are really good at this game and actually have a few trophies.
They call these trophies bricks, which caused a major misunderstanding a while back. You see they went to an event and one son was bragging about his ‘brick’. My other son was jealous of the ‘brick’. In an effort to create harmony I went to Home Depot and bought my other son a very pretty brick. It was not well received. He told me that when he said his brother brought home a ‘brick’ he meant that he won a piece of ‘hardware’. I asked if he wanted me to put a long screw into his brick. My son walked away shaking his head. Someday I’m going to learn English, or he is.
But It’s hard
All this being said, when I announced that I was taking the boys to the tournament, my house filled with rejoicing. It just didn’t happen the way I thought it should. You see my boys said things like, “Way cool!” and went on practicing. My daughter on the other hand, starting doing cartwheels and asked if we were leaving on that day or the next. She was seriously disappointed when she woke up the next Saturday morning to find we were still there. I informed her that the event wasn’t for several weeks and she fell into a bout of depression. I asked her if it was because she would miss her brothers and she said she would. However, she did want to know if there was anything I could do to leave a bit sooner?
I was shocked! My little princess wanted me out of the house. I asked her what brought her to this awkward decision. Her exact words were, “OMG dad! Duh! You’re just too goofy” end of quote. Sure, I was okay, when she was three and needed someone to dress up like a queen. I look lovely in a frilly pink gown with yellow lace trim, by the way. Or when she was seven and needed to style somebody’s hair and paint their toe nails because she was playing like she ran a salon. Dad was fine in those cases, but now she’s sixteen, I’m too goofy! I shouted this in a rant for a moment. However, she stopped me cold by kissing me on the cheek and thanking me for understanding.
The girls are against me
It was actually worse than all that. I went to my wife and complained. I was informed by her that sometimes young women need to spread their wings a bit and get away from the father figure. At these times we need to be sympathetic, she told me, let her explore her womanhood and spend some alone time with another woman, i.e., her mother. I considered that for a moment and almost believed it. Until she followed it up with, “Besides, we’ve bought several bags of chips and chocolates to snack on while we watch scary movies when you’re gone.”
I’m appalled! If I ever told my wife that I was going to sit for a weekend to watch movies and eat junk food. She’d have a hundred chores on my To-Do list before I could get to the sofa. Now that I’m leaving, she’s going to do that exact thing. She was never like that before my daughter wanted to be a woman. My wife was always so intelligent and hard-working when my daughter was younger.
It can get so much worse
Disney got it wrong! Princesses aren’t soft and innocent. They are a corrosive corrupting force that destroys everything they come into contact with; Like an acid or Boy Bands! Look at Snow White. The queen knew what she was and sent the huntsman out with her. Snow corrupted the huntsman into letting her go. He even got killed for it but was happy because he saved a princess. This is not a healthy attitude. Then she comes across seven hardened bachelors and gets them all to fall in love but not in a physical way. Again, this is not natural.
Well, it’s too late to back out of the trip now. So, I guess I’ll just go with it. The thing is, after the evil queen spent woman time with a princess, she wanted Snow’s heart in a decorative wooden box. Therefore, after I get home, if my wife starts asking hunters to take my daughter into the woods…
Well, we’ll just have to be careful.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On