Babies’ Butts, Politicians, And Other Important Issues

When God Closes A Store

I just read some shocking news. A local Baby superstore is going to close at the end of the year. At first, I remembered my two and a half adult children and thought, “Who cares?” You must understand that as an American I’m supposed to ignore any problem that doesn’t affect me directly, and scream twice as loud when my political party tells me to. It’s written in our constitution somewhere.

If you want to hear me raed this Press Play If not read on

Then my brain kicked in. Boy are those politicos going to be upset. And in an election year when I’m supposed to be especially pliant and submissive. Oh my! Sorry folks but every once in a while, I have to think for myself. It’s a bad habit, but I can’t seem to break it. 

Anyway, I thought about how much babies cost. Then I thought, if this store closes; what would be the economic impact on the area, and more important in the whole country? It was staggering. Babies present a large part of our Gross National Product. I don’t want to be overly alarmist here, but why aren’t the candidates doing something about this baby bubble bursting. (How about that for an alliteration?) Boy when I get to thinking, I think big. What do you say to that?

He opens up an oppurtunity for a politician

What!?!? You say you’re not aware of this hidden but devastating financial crisis? C’mon, you know you said it. If you didn’t, at least you thought about saying it, and even if you didn’t do that much, you should still continue to read on, and be better informed.

What most people don’t remember, or never realized in the first place, is how large a part babies represent in our national consumer-based economy. Babies need lots of stuff, very expensive stuff. Imagine the hit to furniture makers alone when there is no longer a need for changing tables. Come to think of it, you don’t really need a changing table in the first place, but that certainly doesn’t stop people from buying them. They’re just one part of the vast economy of useless things babies have, which folks rarely use. Remember, owning useless things is one of the rights out founding fathers fought, and died for. But I digress.

The economy may colapse

Consider the designer shirt-vest combination for a six-month-old. Oh yes, it’s cute to show off junior as a little man. So cute in fact that grandma buys it at the baby gallery for a ridiculous price. Money changes hand for the first time. When mom sees it, she falls in love with it so much that she hides it in a closet. Babies tend to leak out of all their various orifices, so mom, afraid to ruin the suit, hesitates in putting it on. After two months, junior has grown out of the said outfit, and thus mom donates it to charity along with all the other cool stuff she got from various friends and relatives which, sadly, baby never wore. The stuff then goes to a thrift store, where it is sold to an on-line re-seller with the tags still on. More money changes hands and the stores use it to provide jobs for the unemployed. (Probably to make baby clothes.) Next the re-seller sells it to another grandma who starts the process all over again, potentially over and over and over again.

Think about it. I can conceive of one outfit made in 1967, which has been sold six-hundred-forty-seven times and still hasn’t been worn. They say our economy works when people buy things. Not necessarily when baby wears them. Well, this one consumer item has been bought many times, benefited hundreds of needy folks, and still hasn’t been consumed. Think of the taxes it generated. It probably paid for a new spy drone all by itself. Okay, maybe a baby one.

But someone will benefit from it

And that’s not all. We pay for disposable diapers, over and over again for years. Very Costly! Then there’s those folks who say they’ll save money with cloth, but they just end up hiring a service to clean up the mess and spend twice as much. More money spent; more jobs created. Wow! Imagine that, one person paid to wash out the poop of another. Amazing! If that’s not good old fashioned American capitalism, I don’t know what is.

Now, don’t you see it. The economy of these great United States of America runs on baby stuff. Still unconvinced? Look at poor and developing countries. They don’t have changing tables, designer baby outfits, or diaper services, and many of the people are extremely poor. If we really want to make a difference in those places, instead of dropping in food and clean water. Just build them a Baby Superstore, and their lifestyles will improve dramatically, by spending money they don’t have. This is governmental logic if ever I saw it.

Always watch out for bad investments

Remember though, it has to be for babies. Children don’t grow so fast. They can wear a pair of pants for years. Grandma only has to buy one pair, and it is so worn out that the re-sellers don’t want it. Also, bigger kids don’t use diapers and will eat less-expensive regular food. Yes, children are a very bad investment.

Hey, wait a second, while I was typing the last paragraph a horrible thought occurred to me. (You’re never too old to multitask) With such a large outlet of baby stuff closing, what happens to supply? Sure, department stores and online retailers will make up some of the slack, but what will happen when there is a shortage of baby pacifiers? Those mouth plugs have been lowering the sound pollution for years. The law of Supply-and-Demand dictates when these important silencing items become less available the prices go up. If that happens, will the mothers of America be able to afford them? Will noise levels in developed countries rise to new heights and become a burden on productivity? (Remember under-developed countries don’t have such things.) Or will we have to resort to “Black Market Binky’s.” The name itself scares me. Maybe it’s good those things aren’t recyclable. Families would root through landfills and search out old ones then sell them to new mothers to… or maybe not. Hey, I’ll step up. My kids had like fifteen of those things each. I will search my dusty attic, find them, and donate them all to Women’s and Children’s Hospitals. Don’t roll your eyes at me, I’m just doing my part to preserve your hearing.

And international intrigue

Then again, with all I hear in the news about Russian meddling, perhaps they are responsible. Conceivably they used Facebook and Twitter bots to ensure this store failed. That must be it. An international conspiracy to close baby stores, collapsing the economy, and we Americans all walk around with dirty butts. We won’t stand for it. We’ll sit down, probably on a toilet, but I digress again.

It’s a good thing we have level headed politicians

I wrote my congressman but he was out campaigning, and never got the letter. I did however get a very nice button to wear on my label telling me to vote for him in November, and his staff asked if they could put a sign in my yard.

Very Odd, especially since my letter said I didn’t like him.

WOW Folks Big Important stuff

Hey everyone, before you go I just need one more minute of your time. It may or not surprise you to know, but Mr. Ohh! has written ten Christmas songs and I am now ready to record them. However, I need your help. I’m trying to Crowd fund the production costs. If you want to help, go to Kickstarter.com and search Finally Some new Holiday Songs, follow this link https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/newholidaysongs/finally-some-new-holiday-songs-a-parody-christmas-album That will direct you to the right place. Thanks, a whole bunch and now we’ll get back the regularly scheduled laughter. Thanks all

$1.00

7 thoughts on “Babies’ Butts, Politicians, And Other Important Issues

  1. This was good. Definitely not where I thought you were going. I know a lot of people who raised their babies without all that “baby” stuff. I have a suspicion that particular store wasn’t helping the economy much, anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

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