I like food BUT…

I am not what one would call a foodie, but I do like to try different things. I’ve done some traveling across these United States and Canada and learned most regions have some interesting selections which can’t be found anywhere else. I’ve also learned that in every case these regional foods are extremely terrible for your health.

It can sometimes be unhealthy

Take Montreal, Canada for example. The tasty treat there is called Poutine. In short, this is deep fried potatoes, covered in cheese curds, and smothered in gravy. It seems like they looked for the three most unhealthy things available, threw them in a bowl, and served it up. It’s a heart attack waiting to happen. The only way they could make it worse would be to add bacon. Don’t get me wrong, poutine is wonderfully yummy, and I make it a point to get some, every time I’m in Canada. It’s truly great. I’m just saying it’s not good for you.

Then again, neither is Chicago’s stuffed pizza, where every slice contains about a pound of sausage and cheese. Of course, you have to eat two slices, because you might not be able to feel your arteries getting harder with just one.

Philadelphia has a cheesesteak sandwich that after they cook the meat in a half cup of butter, they scoop cheese on top with a ladle. I’m not kidding, I’ve seen them do it. My heart started going into arrythmia while looking through the window, before I even ordered the sandwich.

New locations and Holidays all have new and interesting foods

Wherever I go, the local food treat is either smothered in cheese, floating in butter, wrapped in bacon, or topped with something deep fried. I’ve even been to a place in Texas, I forget the name, where the dish is a hamburger, bun and all, with jalapeno cheese on top. This is placed in a bowl which is then filled with chili. It’s really great, but not at all good for you. There isn’t any place I’ve ever been, known for, or proud of, their baked chicken, or green salad for that matter.

Different holidays are like that as well. Every one has some food you shouldn’t eat because it’s extremely unhealthy. That, is all of them except for Christmas. Christmas has foods that you shouldn’t eat because they’re simply inedible. I’m not talking about the standard fruitcake joke. Because this is a misnomer started by idiots who can’t bake, or don’t drink enough brandy.

Don’t fall prey to the fruitcake myth

The thing is if you know a large woman over seventy or so, who is willing to spend the two weeks to make it properly. You’ll get a suitable one and you will notice the difference. Of course, a hundred years ago when some idiot bakers found out people liked them, they decided to make fruitcake light without brandy and properly candied fruit. The result is a brick worthy of worthy of building houses with. Then you have other fools who remember their grandmother’s cakes and try to duplicate them. Big Mistake! These projects usually smell great when you lift them out of the colorful tin they are always in, but don’t be fooled. Eat them not. Your taste buds will thank me for this advice. There is something about the heavy old women and the chemical composition of a fruitcake that makes them the only ones who can create them correctly. Remember these cakes were created in ancient Rome, so somebody must have liked them over the years. Either that or they’ve been drinking an awful lot of brandy. Come to think about it. It may be the brandy.

Anyway, when I talk about inedible Christmas stuff, I’m referring to what my Aunt Celest does. All year long she bakes bread, and it’s very yummy. She makes wheat bread, rye bread, and nut breads. Then suddenly around the holidays, she unexpectedly braids the bread dough, adds raisins and dates, makes a wreath out of the braid, bakes the wreath to a yummy golden brown, then varnishes it. Now I like a sweet icing on my cinnamon rolls, and a buttery glaze on pies, but I draw the line at varnish. However, yes, it’s varnish, and she makes a dozen of these things. Apparently, it’s a Northern European tradition to bake delicious stuff and hang it on the door. Why? I don’t know. The thing is you have to varnish it so the bugs, and birds don’t get to eat it either. Nobody wins.

Also don’t eat food meant for display

While we’re on the subject, I will also never understand why so many people spend so much time and all those ingredients to make gingerbread houses. They not only make the gingerbread itself, but buy a whole bunch of candy to decorate it. I’m not a great fan of gingerbread so making that inedible is sort of ok, but to waste all those gumdrops and little peppermints is a crime. Look if you don’t want to eat all that stuff, don’t stick it to some ginger smelling, rock with windows and a chimney. Send them to me. My kids and I love it, and never get enough. Then again, we’re strange, we eat the holiday stuff we bake and buy. I mean what wierdos?!

The thing about gingerbread houses, is it’s not just my aunt Celest and a few other church ladies doing baking and not eating them. It’s all over. I’ve seen contests with thirty or forty houses put on display for a month so they can collect dust and be judged. Some of those things are spectacular with multiple levels and lights in the windows. I’ve seen castles and entire gingerbread villages. In Walt Disney World’s Grand Floridian hotel lobby, they build a gingerbread house that is truly three stories tall, with multiple chimneys. There is even a store inside where little ones can buy of all things, wait for it, Gingerbread. Who knew? Those folks are crazier than I am.

I don’t want to criticize your traditions

I don’t mean to honk off anyone for their traditions. Hey, if your ancestors decided it was cool to bake a ton of junk, then not eat it, who am I to judge. I just bet it started as a punishment. You know somebody made the first house, then their kid acted up, and a flustered mom said he wasn’t allowed to eat it. A neighbor came over, saw the thing sitting around, and didn’t want to be outdone, so she baked an uneaten house to. A few more neighbors, a few more houses, and suddenly it’s a tradition.

Then again, I always complain too many cookies get baked than can possibly get eaten. Maybe Martha had a whole bunch of gingerbread left over that she couldn’t give away, so Bill her husband started building houses out of it. That’s even more likely.

I just want to eat the candy hanging on my tree!!

Next there’s candy canes. Ohh yes, these are edible, but the second some come into my house the kids snatch them up and hang them on the tree. After that I’m not allowed to touch them. This is unfair! I love candy canes, but I’m forced to look at them day after day, without tasting their minty goodness. Why must all these delectables be forbidden?

Santa, is this punishment for me being on the naughty list? Or What?