*What?? Sorry, No! The Elves Can’t Make That!!!


I have a question. The stupid thing is that I will still have this very same question when I finish this post. In fact, by the end, I will probably have even more questions, because my brain is constantly working, and as such wonders about several things all at once. It’s really a burden to be as super intelligent as Mr. Ohh! is. I however, handle it with dignity and rarely flaunt it in front of those folks who, sadly, will never reach the intellectual pinnacle upon which I reside. Of course, this doesn’t apply to any of you. Anyone reading this, must be a superior human being or else they wouldn’t understand the greatness which spouts forth from this blog like a Roman fountain. Hang on a second. Maybe this was a bad analogy. All the ancient Roman fountains are dried up and covered with fungus. Either way I’m sure you’re brainy enough to see where I was going.

If you want to hear me Read this Press Play If not read on

About Holiday Traditions

Back to my question. Not the one about Roman fountain analogies, the one I haven’t mentioned. You know the super intelligent one. The question is this; With my world-wide audience, I’m curious how other countries celebrate the Christmas holidays. I’m told, in Germany, they hide pickles in their Christmas trees. Now I’m not a big fan of pickles, but I love Christmas trees. So, I don’t think I’d hide my uneaten pickles there, no matter how much I don’t like them. But of course, as I’ve discussed, Little Hans probably once hid his pickle in the tree to avoid being caught not eating it. When the Bṻrgermeister saw this, he announced the tradition for all. This seems to be how the whole tradition thing works.

However, I was misinformed. They do not put a pickle in their trees. They put a glass replica of a pickle in their trees. Seems like a lot of trouble to me. But hey, who am I to judge? The tradition goes on to say that the first adult to find that pickle replacement, will have good luck all year. Well, I have a German friend, and his grandfather found the pickle in the tree last year. Soon after he won some money, just before his car died. He was able to pay for those repairs easily, and nothing else. So, I can’t say if he had good luck or bad, because of finding said fake pickle. But I digress.

Santa and those poor suffering elves

Here in the US, of course, we have the whole Santa Claus tradition. For those unaware, it seems there is a large colony of elves living at the North Pole. I’m not talking about Stan Kowalski who loves a couple streets north. I’m talking high in the arctic at the top of the world. These elves are not what you see in fantasy novels and games. They are short, have long pointed ears, and very little fashion sense. They wear pointed hats and shoes, lots of bells, and nothing but the colors red and green. Certainly not what you’d see on the runways of Paris and Milan. Maybe New York, but New Yorkers are weird.

 All year long these elves make toys and cookies. It is never clearly stated where they get the supplies for this endeavor. However, Fed Ex states it will deliver overnight to any address. Of course, there’s also Door Dash and Grub Hub who have started delivering things other than food. So, I guess they have options. As far as the toys are concerned, I’m told Home Depot and several craft supply houses have a wide selection online, therefore if these elves set up a credit account it probably isn’t an issue to get stuff.

There are two humans who live with all these elves. Santa Claus and his wife. Apparently, they do nothing all year. Then, on Christmas, Santa hops into a giant sleigh, and brings all the stuff the elves made to the world, with the help of some flying reindeer. Mrs. Claus doesn’t even do that much. Although, I have seen her make some public appearances once in a while. She must be in charge of public relations. I guess you get bored, freezing your butt off, all year long at the North Pole.

Dressing up

Santa himself doesn’t make public appearances. I can’t say if he’s camera shy or just plain lazy, but no matter. What he does do, is hire guys to dress-up like him, and collect data on what the kids are looking for. That way the elves make the right stuff, and don’t end up stuck with a billion extra Houla Hoops like they did in 1956. On second thought, perhaps Santa runs some large marketing firm during the year. I can see how it would keep him busy with focus groups and all, but I digress.

This year I was selected, or to be more precise was conned into being one of those brave men and dressed like Santa for a large city event. I must say I was great, but the kids did not cooperate with the spirit of data collection. The very first kid I asked what he wanted answered in one word, “Presents” How is that answer going to help anybody, especially a bunch of hard-working elves up in the Arctic? One girl asked for a kitten, but there’s not an elf alive who can make one of those. If you know anything about biology, you have to know that only mommy cats can make those, and only if there’s a daddy cat who loves her very much. This was not working out.

Gifts for a new age

One kid wanted his grampa to come over, and another wanted his brother’s broken leg to get better. There was even a little girl who wanted to sing better and get the solo in the Christmas concert. I Ho ho’ed and smiled, then asked when the concert was. I kid you not! She said it was that evening. Even if the elves could make her a new set of vocal cords, which I’m quite sure they can’t, getting them delivered, installed, and having the director so amazed that they kick out the girl who had already rehearsed the thing for a month is quite impossible, at least highly unlikely. I thought I had a rough job, but those elves are truly fighting a losing battle.

Personally, I blame Mariah Carey for all the elves’ problems. She sings she doesn’t want anything for Christmas but for some special guy to show up. What happened to greed? I mean, what’s wrong with wanting the guy and a big honking diamond ring? In point of fact there’s a whole bunch of these songs. I counted at least fifteen singers who only want that special person to come by for the holiday. Seriously folks, get it through your heads that you’ve broken up. Cry maybe, but don’t write another freaking song. You’re confusing the children and destroying consumerism as we know it.

The elves have suffered enough!!!!

Those elves have worked hard studying electronics and learning how to make video games. Do you want to see them all unemployed, especially when those special folks still don’t show up even with the song?

Well, I surely don’t! 

How about a cup?

Hey everyone, before you go I just need one more minute of your time. Do you like my stuff? If you do, we should get together for coffee. That’s probably not possible so why not buy me a cup of coffee to show how you feel. It’s real easy just click below. Thanks a bunch for reading and listening



13 thoughts on “*What?? Sorry, No! The Elves Can’t Make That!!!

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