Ohh Deer! Ohh Krap!!

For animal lovers…

I am an animal lover. Okay, I’ve never kissed a crocodile, or snuggled a Burmese python, so I guess I don’t love animals all that much. Then again from what I hear, I can truly say I don’t love animals as much, or in the way that Kathryn the Great loved horses. Enough said about that. So, I suppose I’m more of a medium, on the animal lover scale. I do love the wonderful nature pictures from my friends at Outdoor Adventures and Anita’s images. On the other hand, I would never say no to a piece of wild venison jerky, or a hot bowl of squirrel stew, and that’s a whole different kind of love. It seems my relationship with animals is more complicated than I first mentioned, but my relationship with my children is far more complicated. Although I don’t think I would ever eat them?

If you want to hear me read this Press Play If not read on

In my family there are many hunters, and fishermen. I don’t know what you might think about that, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s an okay hobby. Personally, I don’t see the allure. I’ve never lost anything knee deep in an almost frozen lake, or at five in the morning sitting in an icy metal tree stand. I’m certainly not going hunting for anything there. On the other hand, I’ve eaten most wild meats and they are great, especially rabbit. As my daughter just got a rabbit, I am constantly suggesting that Baby-Bun-Bun better not chew on the woodwork, or else she’ll be renamed as Baby-Yum-Yum. But I digress.

Or not

Now, you may not care about any of this, and will probably be quite judgmental about me eating my daughter’s pet. You would be right in doing so. The thing is nature has a way of intruding on your life and there’s not a thing you can do about it. The story I’m about to relate to you happened several years ago, during a particularly bad winter, when I was a far less jaded Mr. Ohh! and still only had one ‘H’. Ohh the halcyon days before we truly knew the world was so set against us. You see, no matter how much we love nature; I have come to find out that nature hates me. I don’t why? I’ve never done anything against nature other than move a few flowers or chase a few squirrels. I really a very nice guy when it comes to nature. I suppose I just have one of those faces that just pisses off mother nature to no end, and she’s paying it forward in case I ever do something. Who knows?

Nature hates me

What happened was, during a particularly cold spell when the temperatures dropped well below -20 a deer wandered out of the woods and died in my back yard. Before any of you shout “Poor deer”, you should be saying “Poor Mr. Ohh!” Sadly, deer die in the cold all the time. It’s part of nature’s plan. I’m pretty sure Mother Nature doesn’t provide bath houses and saunas for the deer, and this one just ignored the signs to get to one. On the other hand, for me this sort of thing never happens. It really blew my mind. Score; Deer Normal day  Mr. Ohh! Totally messed up.

The thing is you have to deal with such things. You can’t spray paint them and call it a new lawn ornament, when things warm up smells occur. So, I called my local Animal Control Office. They asked if the deer was being a menace or destroying property. I informed them it was just lying there, dead. Apparently, as a deceased deer isn’t a danger to anyone, it isn’t their jurisdiction. They suggested I call the Police or local Game Warden.

So does civilization

I didn’t know which to call, but as luck would have it one call did it all. I called the police and they brought the game warden with them. At first, I thought this was a good thing, however bureaucracy being what it is, I was slapped with a fine for hunting deer out of season. How much sense did that make?  Did he honestly think I would shoot a deer out of season, and then call him to report myself? I may be silly but I’m not that stupid. Not to be out done, the officer hit me with a ticket for discharging a firearm within city limits. She was more nuts than the game warden.

After a bit of discussion, I convinced them to look at the deer itself. When they found no evidence of foul play, or venison play as the case may be, they tore up both citations. Nevertheless, it was a tense moment. I mean what if the thing ran into a sharp stick entering my yard. It could have cost me a bundle.

After all was said and done, the two of them decided the animal died of natural causes and because it landed on my property it belonged to me. What the heck was I supposed to do with it? I certainly wasn’t going to eat the thing. Even the local coyotes won’t touch a frozen carcass they didn’t kill. Was I supposed to leave it for the buzzards who, by the way, were currently drinking tequila, and wearing large sombreros, while vacationing in Mexico. Those buzzards know how to party.

What do you do?

Next, I briefly thought of hanging the head in my rec room, and maybe tanning the hide for a rug. Who was I kidding? I’m just not the frontiersman type. That sort of décor would surely clash with my authentic production cels of Bugs Bunny and Wile E. Coyote. Yup, I’m an animation buff and I can’t think of a good deer character that buckskin would go with. It would also clash with the blue sofa. If I brought that thing in the house, it would only cause my wife to want to redecorate the whole house, and cost me more than the fines.

I asked the officer exactly how to get rid of such a thing, figuring they deal with cars hitting deer all the time. She informed me that they send them to a butcher who sends the meat to homeless shelters. I couldn’t do that for reasons previously mentioned. So, I went to the Google. Google told me I could safely double bag the carcass and then take it to a landfill. Are they kidding me? I drive a little tiny car. The deer wouldn’t get to the driveway in that thing. Also, where is one supposed to procure a bag large enough to double bag the thing. The cop just smiled at me and said figure it out.

The solution is out there

With all other options gone I did the only thing that made sense. I threw a party. After all my friends had a few beers, and started feeling, shall we say, malleable, I showed them the deer. Then I challenged their very manhood that they couldn’t drag that thing across the yard. And drag it they did. That deer went all the way out of my housing association, across the street, and into Briarwood Estates.

Now, it’s someone else’s problem.          

How about a cup?

Hey everyone, before you go I just need one more minute of your time. Do you like my stuff? If you do, we should get together for coffee. That’s probably not possible so why not buy me a cup of coffee to show how you feel. It’s real easy just click below. Thanks a bunch for reading and listening



19 thoughts on “Ohh Deer! Ohh Krap!!

  1. Love your story. At first, I thought the police saw the gunshot and it was somebody else who shot the poor deer first. Then it wondered into your backyard with a wound and eventually died there. I think throwing a party is the best thing one can do in an impossible situation…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Me, I love children. But I couldn’t eat a whole one.

    As for the deer: I would have called around local butchers. Wouldn’t they be falling all over each other to haul the carcass away to chop up and sell as venison?

    PS What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea? How about a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. If you’ve read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, I think it’s book three, there is a ship that is made invisible by an SEP field. Somebody Else’s Problem. When people look at it they immediately see it as somebody else’s problem and it disappears. Good choice.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OhhMG!!!! I just realized my simple site is mentioned and linked to in your excellent amazing funny story “For animal lovers…”!
    I feel honored and I know very well that you know very well that I’m an animal lover. I even love insects!!

    I’m happy you don’t go hunting and I have to admit, rabbit is quite tasty and actually Malta’s national dish.

    Thank you Mr. Ohh..

    Liked by 1 person

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