Or chids Or not

In today’s installment of; Everything you wanted to know about Mr. Ohh! But were afraid to ask. We learn he is an Orchid enthusiast. Big deal! This just means, I buy extremely expensive plants, that will probably never bloom, and will most likely die because I don’t know how to care of their special needs. Your smarter people buy cheap plants like ferns, or cacti which grow even if you forget about them for a month. All an orchid hobby means is the hobbyist is extremely patient, or more likely, an idiot.

Toxic relationship

The thing is my cat and rabbit also love my orchids, but not the way I do. They think Orchids are yummy. Sadly, they’re toxic. I have taken my cat to the vet twice to get medicine for her nausea. The cat is supposed to be a carnivore. Not supposed to be eating plants in the first place. So why does she continually munch orchids? I’ll tell you why. Because, she’s found it’s a way to inconvenience me. That’s why! If Capn’ Blood isn’t using me as a scratching post, she just can’t be happy, unless she’s causing other problems.

The rabbit, on the other hand is a tougher case. Baby-Bun-Bun will eat anything. Happily, she only munches the flowers, leaves, and stems which fall on the ground. Then she gets a tummy ache. Now rabbits only have two working internal systems; Reproductive and Gastro-Intestinal. We removed of all the reproductive parts before we adopted her. Consequently, if gastro goes bad there’s nothing left. Also, since there are very few rabbit vets in my area, I end up force-feeding her for a few days.

Now these toxins aren’t fatal for either animal. They just make my life miserable. As if finding a place to put the orchid where it gets proper light and moisture isn’t hard enough, I have to consider things like making sure the cat can’t reach it, and preventing the falling stuff from reaching the floor. Believe me, they don’t cover this in the plant manuals. They Should! I’m considering writing a new one; The Real and Untold Problems with Orchid Care. It would sell millions, until someone yells at me on social media, saying I didn’t include a section on alligators or giraffes, and sales plummet. Look people, alligators are covered in the section marked Crocodiles, and if your giraffe can get to your orchid, it’s overgrown. You should cut it back. Enough said. Either way, I’m not writing the book.

Pets Are… Friends??

You see, this is the issue. There are unseen problems in everything when dealing with animals, and especially pets. The most stupid part is, the cat and bunny have now trained me, to cater to their needs. I spent real cash trying to train them not to bite and claw so much, but the one who had to adjust is me. I’m a good little pet to them. I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s supposed to work that way.

Ohh, don’t think the dog is left out of all this. He just doesn’t get sick when he eats orchids. He barfs them up, and I clean it up. Again, I’m well trained. He also has the upper hand when it comes to mornings. I like to get up at seven on work days. Wonder-Dog prefers five. I set my alarm for seven, but because I know he’ll leave little piles of brown gift if I don’t rise, I get up at five and let him out. Then I feed him, scratch him for a bit, just in time to lay back down and have the alarm ring. Yup I’m a well-trained servant. At this point, I’m just glad he doesn’t require me to wear a tuxedo, and carry a silver tray.

The thing is, it’s not just my pets. I go for a walk and several of other people’s pets walk up to me and get a scratch. I don’t have to do this, but I do it because the animal expects it, and will punish me with loud barking, or bloodletting if I don’t. Every pet trainer in the world says, “Use rewards for good proper behaviors. Never use punishments for bad.” Sadly, nobody told this to the animals. They trained me with the threat of punishment.

Proper Training

My cat, dog, or rabbit never offered me a reward, with the possible exception of Capn’ Blood showing up with the occasional dead bird. That said, I have absolutely no use for dead birds, so It’s not much of a reward. Is it? If the cat would cook some spaghetti once in a while, that would be a proper prize. But no, they resort to punishment every time. The cat will even be sitting on my lap while I’m scratching her ear, then if I stop to take a drink of coffee, she’ll inject ten sharp claws into me to remind me I’ve stopped. Something I already know! Later, I’m scratching, afraid to take a drink, and she’ll inject me again because her majesty wishes me to discontinue. I lose either way.

So, my animals have trained me well, and I look stupid. However, those same pets look pretty dumb when it comes to dividing fractions. I can divide fractions. I know this, not because I ever actually do it, but because all three of my children have come to me for help doing so. Therefore, we come up with a new question; Is dividing fractions important, or is knowing how to divide fractions important? I can but never do, and the animals can’t, and never do. My cat can’t, but is never likely to need to. The only time I’ve ever done it is when I was learning to do it, or teaching someone else. I felt I was smarter, when the whole time, I should’ve just ignored it all, like the cat.

What’s really happening

Now, I understand most folks will just snigger at me when the see this, and then go on with their mundane lives. However, I, as Mr. Ohh! cannot do this, because I’ve discovered a conspiracy of epic proportions. You see the cat and rabbit have trained me to keep the orchids out of harm’s way. I did this, and grew complacent. Confident I had solved the problem. They, unfortunately can’t stand my complacency. They refuse to allow me to win in this contest.

Well, last Sunday, I came home to find one of my orchids toppled over, and both cat and rabbit ill. How did this happen? I found out soon enough. They enlisted the help of the dog to climb on a table, and pull the cloth from under the orchid. I know this because his paw-prints were everywhere.

The animals are no longer accepting their status. They’re starting to cooperate amongst themselves. If this gets out, it could be the end of civilization as we know it. Everywhere, pets train their humans, and then take over the houses. Ohh My Heavens!! I know several folks who will end up in the dog house, LITTERALLY!  Be warned!

Be Warned !!

I don’t know about you, but I’m having my tux cleaned, and silver tray polished. Just in case!