Something tha’s totally beside the point

Many years ago, I was sitting the green room of a local radio station, waiting to be interviewed. Actually, the room was painted a muted orange and there were three of us, from our local theatre group waiting to talk with a couple of DJs to promote out current show. Yea us!

The reason it’s called a green room comes from Shakespeare’s time. It seems actors weren’t important to theatre owners at that time. Actually, actors are never quite as important as they think they are, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, because there was no room in the theatre for actors to wait for their entrances, they had to wait outside on the village green. Can you imagine the entire cast of Romeo & Juliet sitting in a park, while the two of them were having the balcony scene? “I wonder if Bernie will get any of his lines right tonight? I swear it’s never the same show twice.”

“Bernie? What about Sarah? She pads her lines more every day. Soon, she’s going to need a ‘Wide Load’ sign, and some flashing yellow lights!”

“To heck with that. If one more bolt falls out of the scenery, that balcony’s going to be on the ground floor.” Yep, actors can be pretty catty when they’re sitting around doing nothing. I should know. I’m one of them.

Due to the snotty language from the cast, theatre owners decided to add a room for the actors to wait. Since they were used to sitting outside, folks called it the green room. Not because of the color, because they were nostalgic for the village green. Personally, I think it’s kind of dumb, but that’s really how the actor’s waiting area got its name. Anyway, back to the point.

Defining the point

While waiting, we could hear the show. There was this lady caller who was so angry. She complained that, the morning show was stupid, and insulted her intelligence. Then she sighted five examples of offensive things the show did the previous day. I was shocked. Maybe it would have been more productive to inform the station that she was chained to a chair and being forced to listen every day. That’s the only thing I could think of, because elsewise; Why didn’t she just change the channel? Or better yet, turn the bloody radio off?

The real issue is I can no longer laugh at this woman because something very similar happened to me this past week. My daughter has a writing class, and was assigned to write a play in the style of an “After-School Special” She always asks me to help in these assignments because, I’m a naturally good writer and she’s… well NOT! Also, being as how I don’t care for television, I encourage my children to do the same. She didn’t know what an After-School Special was like.

It’s pointless

Therefore, the first project was to stream some programs and learn what she was supposed to write. I felt like that lady. I was essentially chained to a chair and forced to watch the most inane programming ever created. This stuff was sappier than a sugar-maple tree during syrup season. I could feel myself losing IQ points by the minute. I wanted to call someone to complain about them insulting my intelligence, and yes, I had a list.

However, we watched. We learned what an “After-School Special” was all about. I know all you folks are intelligent. I don’t want to be responsible for your brains being sucked out through your eyes. I will therefore give you a synopsis of everyone of those shows, so you will never have to watch them. Don’t worry. This won’t take long.

From now on I will be calling “After-School Specials” ASS’s. I have two reasons for this; The first is the abbreviation is much easier to write. And you can probably guess the second one.

Pointing it out

Simply put there, are only two types of ASS’s; The bully type, and the teen relationship type. My daughter contends there’s a third type; The shaken identity type. I disagree, and in my world I’m always right. In reality though the third type just combines both of the other two into a great big teen mess. The identity seeker is being bullied while trying to have a relationship. This is a combo type. I still see them as only two. Why is this important? It’s not. But knowing just helps you understand which brain cells are being lost.

You also have to know that in ass’s there are no names like Jim, John, or Mary. The names are more like Heather, Nova, or Tad. Why? Perhaps teens with normal, older names never get bullied or have relationship issues. Who knows?

Another oddity, is that ninety-nine per-cent of all these stories take place in California, USA. I am so glad I don’t live there. From the TV perspective, every teen in California has major issues. I had enough trouble raising my kids in the Midwest. I am staying away from the coast.

Plot points

This being said. I can now get to the plots. In the bully type there is always one new kid. Chad or Alyn you pick. They come to a new school and get bullied. They are so sad. Then they meet up with a single friend or teacher who sees the greatness in them, because of course everyone has greatness in them. They win some contest or another, and the whole school cheers them. Lastly, there is final moment with the bully, who realizes they’re a bully. They apologize, and then disclose their terrible family life. The hero forgives them. The bully is now a happy member of society. I’m about to vomit just telling you about this type.

The relationship type is a bit stranger. The relationship can be with a teen and another, or a teen and an animal, or a teen and a family member, or even a teen and a zombie chicken, who can’t lay eggs in public. Of course, the teen in question can’t mention the relation to anyone. So, they stand in front of the camera whining, and writing their thoughts in a journal. This is important, because the journal in question eventually gets lost, stolen, seen by parents, repeated by a pet parrot, or abducted by space aliens. The hero is heartbroken.

Then the book winds up in the hands of the one person, out of billions on the planet, who needs to see it. It turns out that he, she, or it has the exact same feelings for the hero, and explains their undying teen love. Which inevitably dies sometime before the sequel comes out the very next week. Also, the parents accept the unrequited love and everyone lives happily ever after, again until the sequel.

Point of contension

To conclude, you now know the plots of every one of the ASS’s I saw. And I saw a lot of them, much to my chagrin. My daughter thought some were very good. Me? I had to wash my head out by going to a pub to drink and listen to dirty jokes all night.

Point of no return

Yes, it’s damaging raising children, but the therapy is great.  

I think I made My Point!!