There are many conspiracy theories all over the globe about shadow governments and secret societies that are hiding in the background covertly running the world for their own fun, profit, and most likely to get some cute girls, because they’re all funny looking. You see, I have found the best-looking women are attracted to powerful people who control the opinions of millions like, well Mr. Ohh! for instance. No, of course I’m not a member of an underground society, and I’m not sure I would tell you if I was. Clandestine groups frown on that sort of behavior. Frankly it’s how they stay secret.

There are also conspiracies about going to the moon, and I really don’t understand that one. I mean If I were a government agency trying to dupe the world, do you think I would fake that I walked on a big rock and took grainy pictures. Heck it would be way cooler to stage that the US went to Mars. The Russians would still be wondering how we did that. I’d also make like there were little creatures on Mars as well. Give the people what they want. If you’re going to fake something at least fake something exciting. Not, silly stuff like I went to the moon, and brought back a bunch of rocks. That’s what makes me know they did do it. If it was a plot, set up by the CIA and NASA it would have been a lot more exciting. Even gullible Americans got bored with the rocks after a while.

While we’re on the subject of space, I have to mention all the Area 51, flying saucer conspiracies. Supposedly, the government has been hiding proof of UFOs for years. I don’t want to tell you what to believe, but most sightings and pictures are from military aircraft. I’ve done some work for the military and they have the best cameras in the world. Those things can take pictures of a candy bar on the ground while the plane is flying at Mach 2, and you can still read “Contains Lecithin as a preservative” on the label. However, the cameras can’t photograph a five-hundred-foot interstellar vehicle with from fifty feet away. That turns out as an unfocused, blurry blob. I’m skeptical of our government for any number of reasons, but I’m growing skeptical of the conspiracy theorists as well. Can’t you believe anyone anymore?

Then there’s Area 51 in Roswell New Mexico. Supposedly this is a huge Air Force base, with thousands of airmen. Now, one man can keep a secret, maybe two, but thousands of men and women on rotation since the 1940’s? NO! Then there is bigger proof for suspicion, but you’ll have to work with me on this so here goes: There are forty-seven-thousand citizens of Roswell. This constitutes two Walmart’s. Now, the first thing everyone does when they arrive in a new town is they inevitably go to Walmart for something they forgot. So, with all the Air Force personal rotating through the base, how is it that none have ever been to the store in their uniform or fatigues? People love wearing that stuff. I don’t live anywhere near a post, secret or otherwise and I see fatigues all the time, but not in Roswell. I don’t think it’s there. Then again if you want to have your conspiracy, who am I to argue? You go right ahead and enjoy it. Besides I have proof of a conspiracy that does exist and if mine does maybe yours does too.

I have discovered a plot that the west coast of North America is trying to turn the entire continent into Californians. You think I’m nuts, but like all good conspiracy theorists I have indisputable proof. I was walking down the street the other day and a couple of teenagers looked at me and clearly said, “’Lo Bruh” I smiled and waved but had no idea what it meant I actually had to go to my teens for a translation. Apparently ‘Lo is a relaxed way of saying, “Hello”, and Bruh is a casual word for “brother.” California casual! Those teens were saying, “Hello Brother” which is confusing in itself because I have a brother and neither of them were him. What I thought they were talking about an old lady in her underwear. You know, low bra. But let’s just admit I made a mistake a mistake and let it go. You see I know several ladies that could hurt me very badly, if they thought I was referring to them.

The conspiracy continues with the sudden appearance of fish tacos on menus across the area. Surfers eat fish tacos. There is no ocean anywhere near me and therefore no surfers. So why the fish tacos? Sure, I eat Mexican tacos everyone does, but as California takes over some idiot thinks I need fish and slaw in my tortilla. Well, I don’t. New menu items are confusing. Let the surfers keep their silly food.

The take over is subtle and a lot of people who aren’t as observant as myself probably won’t notice, but I couldn’t stay silent when the culture crept into one of the most sacred of institutions. The doughnut shops! Yes, the doughnut place by my house is now serving, ohh I can’t say it, but I must, okay I will but be warned it’s terrible. The shop is serving avocado toast. It’s a doughnut place. They’re not supposed to serve healthy food. If you want healthy, coffee without cream has no calories, lose weight on that, not avocado toast.

All this California health stuff gets even worse when you realize they’re putting non-milk almond-coconut juice in the lattes at the coffee house. Almonds are the number one crop in California, and they’re trying to substitute them for good old fashioned midwestern milk. If that’s not proof enough, I don’t know what is.

 I was in the market the other day and there was one of those sample ladies. I always try the samples so I walked up to her table. She offered me a piece of sausage to taste. It was good but a little different. Then she told me there was no sausage in my sausage. It was made from beans. I asked her why anyone would want bean sausage when they can have the real thing? She said it was for people who don’t eat pork, so they can enjoy sausage. I had two arguments for that; First folks who don’t eat pork don’t want to know what it tastes like, that’s the point. Second, the supercheap sausage I buy probably doesn’t have much pork in it either. It’s loaded with all sorts of unmentionable things, likely as not many of them aren’t meat either.

The thing is this conspiracy is just a dodge to hide the real plot. A plot so devious that our young people are falling for it in droves. Well, I can’t take any more I shall expose it for what it really is. Those west coasters are trying to make us healthy. Well, I won’t stand for it.

Put down that apple! The cookies are waiting!