You may or not believe this but there was a time when caller ID didn’t exist. I don’t know when that was but I read about it in the history books. I do know it would have been handy to have if it was around for the dinosaurs. Imagine a T-Rex with those tiny arms. He could have looked at the ID and then decided if it was worth it to answer the phone which was likely always a problem. Or the missionaries in the deep dark jungles, they could have ignored those calls when the island natives called to ask them to be the guest of honor at a special dinner. The list goes on and on. If the witches of Europe hadn’t answered the phone when the pastor called, they might have missed those evening bonfires. Sadly, they didn’t have Caller ID, they answered the phone, and the rest is a smokey history.

When I grew up Caller ID was a little white box that sat on the table next to the phone. Back then, it only displayed a phone number with no name. You had to be smart enough to run through all the numbers you knew, in your head, to figure out just who was calling. Strange but true, back then we memorized telephone numbers, because our phones didn’t have memory to remember them yet. It was a barbaric time, but I won’t say any more. I don’t want to scare the children. Actually, for us kids it was easy. We only had one or two friends, so that’s all we had to know. Adults on the other hand, had to remember all kinds of numbers; parents, siblings, children, friends, bosses, business people, mistresses, and that funny guy down the street who collected your mail when you went on vacation. All those numbers were stored in their heads and not in the phone. It’s no wonder the life expectancy was fifteen years less back then. People’s brains just gave up. So much for the scary history, let’s move on.

Now of course, our phones have all those numbers stored inside them. Also, the caller ID, name and number, is clearly displayed on a large screen. We can even display a picture of the caller if we set that up. Frankly I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. Say you’re at a restaurant having lunch with Ralph, the funny looking guy from accounting with the great sense of humor. Your phone is sitting on the table, and your wife calls. In that moment Ralph can see how beautiful your wife is. He doesn’t know it’s a filter, but that’s beside the point. Also, if he’s quick he can see her phone number. Not a shared number for the whole family, like they had in the days of the cave men, her private number. Next, he might just look at you as you exhale a sigh and comment that the old lady is bugging you again.

All these things add up. Ralph can now make the moves on your wife. You won’t find out because you are trusting and never go through her recent calls. Heck if Ralph succeeds, even if you did she can delete the call after it’s made. Now she’s having a tryst with your lunch buddy, and you don’t know a thing about it because modern technology has made everything more convenient. You still won’t understand what’s going on when you’re careening down a mountain road, after your wife and Ralph cut your brake lines. I’m just saying.

Well maybe I’m being a little paranoid but I do check my wife’s phone every so often. Unfortunately, I have discovered a disturbing trend. There is a guy who calls my wife every day two or three times. She never seems to pick up and I’ve noticed that she doesn’t call back. There could be something going on or not. She could be ignoring him because she is so in love with me, but who knows.

The guy’s name is Scam Likely, and Scam must call from an office because he uses a lot of different phone numbers. I’ve even taken to blocking them when I see them but Scam Likely shows up on my wife’s caller ID over and over. I just can’t beat him.

One time I actually saw Mr. Likely try to make me think it wasn’t him. He used a different name. Illegal Scam came up on the caller ID. I wasn’t fooled. My highly focused brain spotted the con at once. I don’t care what nickname he uses; Government Scam, Banking Scam, Warranty Scam, or Illegal Scam. It’s all him and he’s trying to steal my wife.

Speaking of names Mr. Likely, and I hope you’re out there reading this right now. I think Scam is a stupid name. There I said it, and I don’t care about your feelings. I don’t what your middle name might be, but maybe you should start using it. I mean S. Robert Likely is a much better name. It even sounds professional. I even thought you might be calling my wife to sell her nail polish or make-up or something. Well Scam just doesn’t have that sense of business.

It’s like the name Bud. That makes you think of beer not a good deal on laundry detergent. If my name was Bud Likely I’d change it. And I certainly would not go into telephone sales as a career. It’s the same with the name Scam. With a name like Scam, you should have gone into law or even politics. Not sales. With sales you want a proud name, like S. Robert, assuming your middle name is Robert. I mean I have no idea it could be Christopher, or even Virginia.

There’s another point. Are you Mrs. Likely? I really don’t mean to bring gender into everything but if you are or identify as a woman, you might think I should apologize. I’m not going to. Frankly, whatever your gender, you bother me and my wife with your consistent phone calls. I will say no matter what your gender, you should drop the Scam. It’s not very feminine. Come to think of it, what nationality is Scam anyway?

Wait a gosh darn minute! You have irritated me beyond belief and I’m trying to help you. The kindness of Mr. Ohh! only goes so far. I have given all the advice you’re going to get. I don’t care if you’re selling something or want to steal my wife I have only one thing to say.

Mr. Scam Likely, I’m not going down without a fight. My wife is on to you and refuses to answer your calls. Dial from any number you want. We will block your butt for as long as you keep trying. Our relationship is stronger than you can ever know. We will fight you and your kind to the ends of the earth. We will fight even further, we will…

What’s that? Excuse me folks my son is talking. I got it wrong? Likely to be a scam? Ohhhhhhhh!

Well Folks, um, Never mind.