Great News

Well, we’re moving now. I’m proud to announce that I’ve been promoted. I’m not talking about those silly promotions they give at your meaningless place of employment. I’m not stupid enough to want some corner office with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city. I don’t want the idiot task of going to meetings, making executive decisions, and commanding some administrative assistant to do all my work. I know better than to accept large annual salaries because that means you pay more taxes. Or Not! Actually, in reality the truth is you don’t pay more. Somehow you pay less.

Okay, the fact is that I am stupid enough for the office and sufficiently idiot to go to those meetings. Frankly I want it all, but I can’t have it, and since I complained about not having it for years and didn’t get it. I figured if I complained about having it, for a while they might throw it at me just to hear me complain about it. Ohh how we love to complain and listen to others do it. In fact, I wrote a post about this a while back called, Undecided? I Suggest You Gripe About It. Check it out, you might like it. But Today I don’t want to complain I want to cheer. I was promoted.

So, if I’m not moving up the corporate ladder what could this great promotion be? Well folks, I am being moved into the human Fast-Lane. I am being promoted to the rank of woman. Now, please don’t think I’ve reached mom-hood yet. I don’t think I could ever reach those lofty heights. Frankly, I’ve been failing regularly as a dad, and as we all know, I would need to be a near perfect dad, to even see the pedestal of mom. Of course, seeing is nowhere close to reaching, in this case. No, I’ll just have to accept my new duties with a smile, and hope one day to be good enough.

The Disclaimer

Before I go on, I want to be very clear I am not making fun of women. In my eyes, women are so far above men, that it‘s impossible to be equals. My wife is smart, good-looking, able to cook dinner, balance her checkbook, feed the fish, bathe the dog, and give the cat a mohawk with a fresh banana all at the same time. While she accomplished this, I barely made it out of my seat to ask if I could help. She handed me one very displeased cat, and she was still able to get me to the emergency room, and serve dinner on time. Women are fantastic! If a man would have been responsible for getting me to the hospital, it would have been tragic and possibly deadly, simply because we would have stopped for a beer on the way. Guys are just like that. Well so much for the disclaimer, let’s get back to the story.

Better News

You see the reason for this monumentous promotion is my wife has caught a cold. Of course, if my children were small this would just be a blip in her life. As a woman she would take some aspirin, grab a box of tissues, drink a cup of herbal tea laced with lemon, honey, and bourbon, and off she’d go. However, since my children are teens, and frankly more responsible than I am, this promotion to woman is mine. I get to spend the day running errands, and driving the kids around town in the minivan.

Drive-Thru News

Yes, I said “Hooray for the minivan”. Most guys look at these golden vehicles, sent from heaven, as some kind of goober mobile. Alas, they are but neophytes and have not reached the level of awareness that women, and a few blessed men have. You see the minivan is truly the supreme vehicle. Think about this; have you ever tried to go to a drive-thru in a small Italian sports car? You can’t do it. The car is too low and the window too high, and arms are just not long enough. As they attempt to pass your food something is bound to slip and you’ll end up with fries all over your lap. Also, when you’re paying you are very likely going to drop all your change, which will roll under the car. You end up moving forward, stopping traffic, getting out of your car to get your eighty-seven cents. If you think you’re getting lucky with the blonde lady, wearing a slinky red dress, in the passenger seat after that, you are quite wrong.

In those large pickups men like to drive it’s the reverse. Now, you are higher than the window and the fries don’t end up on your lap. They end up on the pavement. You sit there twice as long as the remake everything. Secondly, and I’m not sure why this happens, at some point, due to in the change in elevation the lid will pop off the soda. It’s gonna spill, and that’s a fact. I understand that in the pickup, blondie in the next seat will be wearing tight blue-jeans, but that iced soda on her lap will still cool the evening.

In a golden van everything is much different. The window and the vans are exactly at the same level. Money, food, and soda will all arrive at their destinations safely. Yes, the lady in the next seat may not be as slinky, but she’ll arrive home in a home in a much happier mood.

Weather News

Another great thing about the vans in gassing up. Imagine trying to look cool in an ice storm next to a Ferrari. You can’t. You’re freezing your butt off, and there’s no protection from the weather. The car’s too small to shield you from the wind. When you get back in all that melting ice is going to ruin your fine Italian leather upholstery. It’s the opposite with those great pickups. Instead of your torso and head icing over like snow miser, it’s your legs and boots that get it. And you just oiled those boots too! So sad! Again, the minivan is perfect. You’re shielded from the wind as you pump fuel, and you stay all warm and toasty. Your car mats will thank you too. Well, they would if they could talk.

Guy News

About now, some of you guys are saying, “Women can afford to drive minivans. They’re not trying to attract women. We need sports cars and trucks to get girls.” Well, the guys who can do more than grunt are saying that. The ones who can’t are saying, “Ughhg”

I say, “Au Contraire!” Where do minivans go? They go to meetings, stores, and community events. There’s lots of women at these places and few guys. While, millions of guys go to bars to get a few women. A few smart men go to minivan hangouts and get the best women. Guys are stupid! They buy expensive vehicles that guys like and hope for women. They should be buying minivans women like, so women are attracted to them.

Bad News for Me

Of course, now that I told everybody, I hope I didn’t skew the odds against me.